And I should just live in a hole somewhere, so no one can get hurt by me.
A few days ago I wrote a blog post that basically ranted on about university. While, yes it was uncalled for, and childish in some people's eyes. It was my way of just venting out all the rage I was feeling. Throughout the past couple of weeks, as you've probably noticed, I've been feeling rather distressed and unusually angry, sad and depressed. This was because a cumulation of a lot of things. Not only was it university work that had stressed me out (although it was a part of it), a lot of family issues, personal issues and self discovery issues have been the major cause of it.
Let's start from the beginning shall we? First, In the summer, I took this personality quiz, and found out that I'm an INFJ. Basically an INFJ is a complicated personality, and we are very rare. Our motto, basically is "help me help you". So that affected me, and I've basically been trying not to develop the weaknesses of this personality trait (it was a detailed profile, that unnerved me).
Next I'd been invited to so many parties, that weren't all that great, and I wondered why and how people could enjoy these things. What I'm talking about are clubs, drinking alcohol, and whatnots. It just didn't appeal to me, and I wanted to go home immediately after I had stepped foot into the club. I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. I wanted to watch TV and think about nothing else. I wanted to write my story, read a book, anything but dance to such loud music and yelling on the top of my voice.
While I was in the night club, I just wanted to sit in a corner...or better yet, the bathroom the entire night, and wait until it was time to leave. I hated going out, and yet I was forced, because I had no choice, it was family and I couldn't let them down.
This had been going on since the beginning of summer, and I have discovered I am not the type to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. I'd rather stay in. The most recent event was a Roller Disco, that I had to go to. Otherwise, my sister wouldn't be able to have her fun, and it was a bit of an obligation, because I had to bring her clothes to our cousin's house, so that she could be ready. In the end I simply waited for nothing. My parents decided that she should just change at our house, and then we could both go together. In my mind I could not have gone. I didn't want to go and it was expensive. Plus I didn't have any money on me and I had to ask for my parents for some.
Of course, as I had promised myself before, I simply sat with the bags, and read Fan-Fiction the entire night. I didn't feel like dancing, I didn't want to mingle, and I was getting decidedly angry, at both the people around me and at myself. Why at myself? Well, I wasn't having the same kind of fun as everyone else. While everyone was dancing about in their roller skates, I was happy reading the story. I was happy simply sitting down, and reading, and every now and then, throughout the night. I just felt bad that I wasn't having the same kind of fun that everyone was having. Granted, I didn't want my picture taken, it was a hassle, and I didn't want to speak to anyone, but I knew that I didn't want to, at the same time.
However, perhaps I could put down my "glumness" down to the fact that I broke down the day before. I had no idea why, I broke down, I simply did. What triggered the waterworks was the fact that I had no money to pay for the taxi ride, and the reservation fee. Not to mention, at the time, I was angry at some League of Legends players for flaming and blaming me for intentionally losing the game. I had to actually quit the game because I was being bullied. That was the first breakdown.
The second was pretty much right after that. It was on a Monday, and I was rather upset still about the Roller Disco, I had no idea why, but I couldn't pick myself up off the floor, because of it, and during an exercise, I burst into tears. Of course it was probably my fault because I had suggested talking about depression, and that set me off. I was really not feeling up to anything that day, and I just couldn't cope. Half an hour before the lesson ended I had to leave, because I just couldn't stay there anymore. Then throughout the week, I was pressured even more, because we basically had two weeks left before our first assignment was due.
I had to quickly pick up the pieces of my shattered self, because I had a job to do, and I couldn't tell anyone about it. As that week progressed, the work kept piling on. I know at this point I would say "thank goodness for my team", but because of certain circumstances, I know they won't appreciate it, since I basically insulted them a few days ago, but nevertheless, thank goodness for them, they readily agreed to help with the work. Of course I made all the templates they worked on, and they did manage to do the bulk of the work for assignment one, but then, only during the weekend of that week, did I realise we had to provide work for assignment 2, i.e. a pre-production portfolio (film-makers would understand what this is), and I was basically hard-pressed for time. I tried to take on most of the work, during that week so that I didn't have to rely on the team, because I knew there were bound to be complications, and other obligations. So that got me stressed in the next week.
Then Monday came around, and we had to reshoot two exercises for the assignment, and at the same time complete the paperwork. I had hoped that by Monday, most of the things I had sent to my team were completed. Obviously I know they have lives (since it's apparent that I don't), but I didn't take that into account, and in my ignorance, I blamed them for my incompetence. So the week progressed and I was getting more and more stressed at the fact that we still had a lot of things to do, and I was starting to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, pressing down on me.
The week was horrible (and this was basically last week), I was getting so stressed, that I was shaking by the time I went to bed every night. I couldn't even sleep well pretty much every night, and I kept thinking about the things we didn't do, and the things we had yet to do. I didn't want to rely on my teammates because I knew they would think it was too last minute. Of course, it was on Tuesday, that we did meet up, and work on the documents together, except for one, since he had obligations he had to keep. Although I had asked earlier (I remember it was either a Friday or a Saturday) if he could do a few of the paperwork. I knew I was taking a risk, giving out these templates, but I knew I had to, because if I didn't I'd burn out.
So I trusted much of the paperwork to everyone else, and I had hoped that by Tuesday, it would all be done. That way, we could all concentrate on the editing of the video. However, as always there were complications, and we had to work through them during the five hours we were free. Needless to say, we had most of the work done, and all that was left was the individual work, but I thought that perhaps we could have done better if we had paid attention to the assignment throughout the semester. And I 'm not talking about anyone other than myself. I should have known we were working on the second assignment, because of the hints that our lecturer was giving. I should have realised that the pre-production work, would take a while to get right, and what did we hand in in the end? Templates.
Plain and simple, we handed in empty templates, because we didn't have enough time to work on them. Of course it was my fault for not realising it sooner, and I shouldn't have hurt my team because of it, and I guess it was my own self-loathing and self-anger, that I wrote that blog post in the end. I had high ambitions, of my team; I had thought they'd work efficiently like the cogs of a clock, but I now understand that this is university, and we still had many mistakes to make, and this assignment was one of them. Well, in my case, it is for me.
Not because I didn't want to work on this with the people I was with. No, in fact, I didn't mind working with them, but as the semester went by, I realised my mistake of thinking I could control everything, including the amount of work others do.
Anyway, at the end of the week, I was feeling decidedly angry at myself, and at my team (which was a poor move on my part, because they had really nothing to do with my own incompetence), and in the end, just before we handed in the work, I had written a blog post, which is now deleted, basically insulting them, and making them look bad. For those of you who read it, I am terribly sorry, and it won't ever happen again. I had written that blog post in a fit of rage, and I didn't know what I was doing. At the time, it made sense for me, but now looking back on it, I know I shouldn't have written it down somewhere so public, I should have probably written it in a journal, and then torn it out, so that I could help myself feel better, but because of the roar of my anger, my moral judgement was basically silent.
I know I overreacted, and I know it's not something I should have done, and I truly regret it, because now I am paying the price, and well, as you can see from this post title, I really don't feel good about myself anymore. However you all have to understand, I can't express anything verbally. When it comes to speaking to people it's hard for me, because when I do speak, I know I have to think things through before I speak, but in the end, I just ramble because I can't say things in the right structure, and it all becomes a blur and I end up getting emotional because of it. Writing, however, is the best mode of communication for me, that's why I love stories. That's why I'm writing a story at the moment, and I'm not publishing it until it is truly perfect. Writing for me is perfect, because I can think about what I have to say. Of course, that blog post was a one off, but most of these posts have been reread and proofed, including those that have been rants against my parents (because of course, every young adult living with their parents know how frustrating it is when they start to nag at you) and school.
And I know I probably will spark up another argument with this post, probably along the lines of, "even if you write this, it doesn't help, because you wrote it anyway", but understand this, I don't take to criticism very well. I've already apologised to the appropriate persons, and I know that it probably won't be enough, and I know that I have a lot to make up for, but if this one post is going to ruin your view of me, then how am I going to make up for it? How can I fully apologise to you? How can I, perhaps erase this blot, but fix it so that it's small?
You have to remember, I'm not perfect. I am going to insult and hurt you one day, perhaps not intentionally or deliberately, but in my ignorance, I will. It's in my nature. I've been like this for all my life, and my family has even told me about it. I've tried to work on it, and I still am working on it. You just have to be patient.
Please don't hold a grudge against me, please don't think I'm doing this deliberately, because I truly am not. I am simply trying to figure myself out, and in the process, I will hurt you. I'm by no means perfect, and I do not try to be, because in the end I know I'm not, and it's just going to have to take some time for me to accept that.
Think of it as this, it's something my mum pointed out one day last year, and because she is a gardener, it would probably make sense:
I am like a rose, not the one with the smooth stem, nor the one that grows in great numbers, but the rare one, that grows amongst thorns. It is not my intention to use these thorns, but if you ever do try to pluck me from my perch, I will hurt you, because I don't want anyone to take me away from the place I feel safe. These thorns are what protect me, and I know it's a bad thing, but it's the only way I can survive. If I have these thorns, I can protect myself from the many who try to pluck me because they want to crush me for whatever reason. If I have these thorns, then no one can hurt me.
I know my thorns will hurt you, but I cannot control it. Maybe someday I can. Someday I may be able to cut those thorns, and make them grow less, but right now. I don't know how. I don't know how to cut down these demons, and I have nothing to help me do so. So as I said before, be patient, and if you do get cut by these thorns, then I truly am sorry.
