Sunday 1 December 2013
New Purposes
Right, well, I found out that I need something more substantial for this blog. So I've decided, any film I watch from now on, I will write a review for it. So yes, thanks for your co-operation, and hope you enjoy my opinions. ^^
Thursday 21 November 2013
I've Given Up Hope
Well, from a great and inspiring post, we have a depressing one. I'm sorry, but it seems my mood swings have taken a turn for the worst. Although I said that my melancholy had worn off, that was a temporary thing. Turns out, it goes much deeper than I had anticipated.
Yes, I am still mourning the fact that I am single, but don't get me wrong. I don't mind it. But when I am with others, and I look at their Facebook pages, and any news I get about them, I tend to find them all in a relationship. In the end I find myself wondering why I have never been able to catch a break. And even though I have told others time and again, that I have never, NEVER, had a boyfriend they don't believe me, and that hurts me more than anything.
While it's a compliment, it is still a reminder that I have never had anyone to fall in love with, or even anyone who fell in love with me. Granted I've been in an all girls Catholic school, and I have had very little encounters with men. However, through the internet, and other media platforms, I experience relationships indirectly, and continue to dream of the perfect man. Of course there's no such thing, but that doesn't mean that my perfect man is perfect either. Like I said, I want the Goblin King in my life. But I know that's never going to happen.
Today, I met with an old friend (a boy by the way), who used to go to my primary school. We had fun, just hanging out, as friends. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, we just hang out, talking about the past, how we were today, and what has been going on in our lives. But, as we were talking, I was very aware of the fact that he had already had a few girlfriends in his past, whilst I had no boyfriend, not even one. And that thought brought me down to my lowest. At the time, I didn't want to say anything, and I just wanted to focus on having fun, reminiscing with him. But now that I'm alone, I have had time to dwell on the subject, and I truly feel alone.
It is true, what they say, "those with the brightest smile, are the most hurt." While I admit I do like my smile, and I do get complimented because of it, I understand this saying. I truly am hurt, while the injuries have been inflicted on me indirectly, I am hurt. By this, I mean watching relationships build up and break down, and still being on the fringes of them.
Like I said, I have never been in a relationship, but I have seen them, and have been the comforter, but I cannot be the strength of my friends, when I myself have not experienced the hardship of a break-up. The same can be said for my friendship with others.
I do have friends, but I still feel distant to them. I thought that in university I would have friends that would constantly ask me to go out with them, but that hasn't been the case. The reason being is that I live at home, and nearly everyone lives in accommodation. The fact that I'm completely out of the loop, in terms of this tradition, is what hurts me most. I cannot fully take part in their lives, and that cuts me deeply, as deeply as the fact that I have never had someone to love (in that way).
Now you can understand why I don't have anymore confidence in myself. I know I should not be dwelling on these thoughts, and emotions, and that I should get over myself and move on, but I have been told to do that many times, and I have been doing that for pretty much most of my life, but my mind will always go here and it will never stop, until I truly feel loved.
I know some of you will tell me that it's not worth it, having a relationship, but I will never know until I actually have had one. And even if you describe it to me, I will never understand, and fully agree with you, because I have never been directly hurt as bad as you. And although you may say ignorance is bliss, there is another saying which is constant in my case, "the better the devil you know, than the devil you don't." I'd rather experience the hurt and pain of heartbreak, rather than dream about it, and never have had it.
I will leave this post here for now, and give it to you, to do as you wish, as always. And my last request is for your prayers, that one day I may be able to pick myself up and dust myself off, and move on. And I do pray that God bless you, and keep you close to Him, as he does to me. I may not feel his presence sometimes, but I do know he is always there helping me, even in my darkest hours.
Yes, I am still mourning the fact that I am single, but don't get me wrong. I don't mind it. But when I am with others, and I look at their Facebook pages, and any news I get about them, I tend to find them all in a relationship. In the end I find myself wondering why I have never been able to catch a break. And even though I have told others time and again, that I have never, NEVER, had a boyfriend they don't believe me, and that hurts me more than anything.
While it's a compliment, it is still a reminder that I have never had anyone to fall in love with, or even anyone who fell in love with me. Granted I've been in an all girls Catholic school, and I have had very little encounters with men. However, through the internet, and other media platforms, I experience relationships indirectly, and continue to dream of the perfect man. Of course there's no such thing, but that doesn't mean that my perfect man is perfect either. Like I said, I want the Goblin King in my life. But I know that's never going to happen.
Today, I met with an old friend (a boy by the way), who used to go to my primary school. We had fun, just hanging out, as friends. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, we just hang out, talking about the past, how we were today, and what has been going on in our lives. But, as we were talking, I was very aware of the fact that he had already had a few girlfriends in his past, whilst I had no boyfriend, not even one. And that thought brought me down to my lowest. At the time, I didn't want to say anything, and I just wanted to focus on having fun, reminiscing with him. But now that I'm alone, I have had time to dwell on the subject, and I truly feel alone.
It is true, what they say, "those with the brightest smile, are the most hurt." While I admit I do like my smile, and I do get complimented because of it, I understand this saying. I truly am hurt, while the injuries have been inflicted on me indirectly, I am hurt. By this, I mean watching relationships build up and break down, and still being on the fringes of them.
Like I said, I have never been in a relationship, but I have seen them, and have been the comforter, but I cannot be the strength of my friends, when I myself have not experienced the hardship of a break-up. The same can be said for my friendship with others.
I do have friends, but I still feel distant to them. I thought that in university I would have friends that would constantly ask me to go out with them, but that hasn't been the case. The reason being is that I live at home, and nearly everyone lives in accommodation. The fact that I'm completely out of the loop, in terms of this tradition, is what hurts me most. I cannot fully take part in their lives, and that cuts me deeply, as deeply as the fact that I have never had someone to love (in that way).
Now you can understand why I don't have anymore confidence in myself. I know I should not be dwelling on these thoughts, and emotions, and that I should get over myself and move on, but I have been told to do that many times, and I have been doing that for pretty much most of my life, but my mind will always go here and it will never stop, until I truly feel loved.
I know some of you will tell me that it's not worth it, having a relationship, but I will never know until I actually have had one. And even if you describe it to me, I will never understand, and fully agree with you, because I have never been directly hurt as bad as you. And although you may say ignorance is bliss, there is another saying which is constant in my case, "the better the devil you know, than the devil you don't." I'd rather experience the hurt and pain of heartbreak, rather than dream about it, and never have had it.
I will leave this post here for now, and give it to you, to do as you wish, as always. And my last request is for your prayers, that one day I may be able to pick myself up and dust myself off, and move on. And I do pray that God bless you, and keep you close to Him, as he does to me. I may not feel his presence sometimes, but I do know he is always there helping me, even in my darkest hours.
Saturday 9 November 2013
Miraculous Interventions
Ok so I know things have been weird lately, I've been more vocal yes, but recently I have been feeling very down, I mean very depressed and desperate lately. But don't worry, I'm not going to become the story of agony, actually I wanted to share a few revelations with you. No I don't mean prophecies (that would have been cool) but more of stories that had enhanced my own faith. Oh and I won't be writing in paragraphs, per say, the paragraphs will be the different stories, so sorry if it looks like bad grammar.
The first story is about a dream I had many years ago, when I was just starting out secondary school (British school system). What happened in the dream? Well...It started with me waiting in a waiting room, with a bunch of other people, I couldn't find my family, but everyone was talking and happy at the same time, and I guessed that they were there somewhere. Suddenly I herded into a line with some other people. When I got to the front (like you would when you're at a queue in a theme park or ordering food at a fast food place) I was faced with a door, and had to way a while, because the person in front of me had just gone in. Suddenly the door opened and I stepped through. On the other side of the door, was a path, on the side of the cliff - like you would have when a road has been carved out on a mountain. Well there wasn't much to it, because only a few feet away, there was a large tree (I can't really remember but I think it was a willow) and under the tree there were two men dressed in white robes. They were just standing there looking at me with smiles on their faces. I smiled back and stood before them. But instead of facing them, I faced the wall to my left. It wasn't high, in fact it stood up to my chest. While I was standing there I suddenly posed, like a waitress, but instead of a tray of food, I held books. Then one of the men standing there suddenly spoke. He said "Vanessa you are now called..." Now I don't even know what he called me because I actually can't remember, it's like I knew what it was in the dream but I couldn't remember it when I woke up. However he continued saying, "This means love and..." again I cannot remember what he said, there have been a few candidates in my mind, intelligence, beauty...But for the life of me I cannot associate them with it. In fact I think the only thing that will spark that memory is if I actually re-enact it out, but I know that won't happen until I die. Well if it does happen, I'll be very glad it did.
The next story is another dream I had, around the same time as the story above. It basically was about the end of the earth. I was sitting at home looking out through the front window, and I looked up at the sky, and a large hole was developing, you could see the stars through it, and I knew something bad was going to happen. While the hole kept growing, it started to rain - from the hole - and everything the rain touched, outside, burned. I ran to my door, to tell the people outside to hurry inside and be safe, but they couldn't hear me, it was like my voice was non-existent. So instead, I ran back inside the house, and gathered my family in front of the window, and told them to pray. When I did, I saw the Earth, in all its entirety in the universe, as if I was no longer part of the story. After a while, it started to change, it's sides stretched. Think of Saturn and it's rings, and imagine the actual planet's sides were stretched to its rings, this is how I saw the Earth. It continued to stay like this for a while, then, like a lava lamp the main body of the earth slowly rose from the ring, and a new Earth was born. This was one of the most surreal experiences I had in all my life, I couldn't understand why I had the dream, or what it meant. But I'm glad I did, because now, looking back at it, it symbolised the change in my world, I was going through major changes during that time, and looking back, I was creating a new world, metaphorically.
Ok so the next story is basically about the Holy Spirit and how it helped me, when I was lost. I was coming back from a birthday party, this happened in like Year 9/10 (again British school system) and my mum and my sister had come to pick me up and we were using the London Overground. It was the first time we'd ever used it, so typically we didn't know what to do. Suddenly two young men came up to us, because they needed to use the ticket machine - they were also getting on the train - they paid for their tickets and in the process showed us how to buy ours. So we did, and when we went to enter the station, I looked around for the two men, because I wanted to thank them for helping us, but I couldn't find them. It was like they had vanished into thin air. Later on my mum told me that she thought they were angels of the Holy Spirit, because on the way over she had experienced something similar, when she was going to pay for parking, she saw a man walking his dog, he told her that she didn't need to pay for the night, and he turned a corner afterwards. She followed him, to thank him, but she couldn't see him, again like he vanished into thin air. I know this can all be explained, like he had probably turned down a different way to where we thought they were going, but in our terms, being a faithful Catholic, these things are acts of God, and his Spirit, and we are blessed to feel and experience them.
Now this last story is the most sobering one I've had, and by sobering, I mean really remember why I'm Catholic. This happened last night/early this morning, if you go by the time. It started with a nightmare I had, and in this nightmare I was with my cousins talking about something, and I looked up. A bloodied girl was on the ceiling, and looking down at us, I screamed and asked it what it wanted, it told me it wanted me to scream until I had blood running out of my orifices, until I died. I woke up straight after this dream really paralysed with fear. I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear I might have the same dream. But I knew I had to go back to sleep. So what I did was because I knew that if I called, He would help me. I prayed, three times, the Lord's prayer, the Hail Mary and the Glory Be. Then I went back to sleep, albeit more fitful than the last. In this dream, I was looking for the author of a book, with my aunt (we think of her more as a cousin than an aunt). When we found this author we asked her a few questions about a book we had read, and she started to quote the bible, and talk about Jesus, then suddenly she said, "I have always loved you and will always love you". Then suddenly all I could see was this woman, she was looking straight at me, as in my soul, and as clear as day she said, "This body is not yours. Leave." That was when I woke up. I could feel my body and everything around me, but I couldn't move. I was literally paralysed, because I could feel the crushing weight of something on me, not exactly on me, but inside of me, I felt crushed, I couldn't function, then I remembered her last words and like a mantra I kept saying in my head, well I think I kept saying it, I actually didn't really say it. And slowly the weight was starting to lift, so I actually said the words, "This body is not yours, leave" and suddenly I was free, I felt so relieved, and joyful that I started to cry. After a while, I did pray the rosary, the Glorious Mysteries. I'll never forget this experience, it was one of the most scariest I've ever had, and one of the most uplifting, because for the past few weeks I had been feeling lonely and depressed, and it felt like I couldn't find a way to feel happy about anything. But this incident, I knew, no matter how lonely I got, I would always have God to help me.
So yes, all these things really did happen, and I know there may be scientific explanations, but I don't really want to hear them, because in my opinion they helped me remember my faith, and yes they may be controversial, but I'd like them to inspire people, not crush their dreams. I know I sound like a preacher, but I'm not, I'm just a young girl trying to find my purpose in life, and for now, this is all I can do, tell you of what I've experienced and hope you can learn from them. Not all things are bad, if you do the best you can to live in the light, you will see the wonders of God, whether it's the Christian God you worship, the Islamic, the Jewish, or any other religion, no matter what you believe in, there is always one Almighty God and He/She is one and the same. There should really be no barriers. It's just culture and men that tell us what to believe. To quote the movie Angels & Demons, "religion is flawed, because all men are flawed."
The first story is about a dream I had many years ago, when I was just starting out secondary school (British school system). What happened in the dream? Well...It started with me waiting in a waiting room, with a bunch of other people, I couldn't find my family, but everyone was talking and happy at the same time, and I guessed that they were there somewhere. Suddenly I herded into a line with some other people. When I got to the front (like you would when you're at a queue in a theme park or ordering food at a fast food place) I was faced with a door, and had to way a while, because the person in front of me had just gone in. Suddenly the door opened and I stepped through. On the other side of the door, was a path, on the side of the cliff - like you would have when a road has been carved out on a mountain. Well there wasn't much to it, because only a few feet away, there was a large tree (I can't really remember but I think it was a willow) and under the tree there were two men dressed in white robes. They were just standing there looking at me with smiles on their faces. I smiled back and stood before them. But instead of facing them, I faced the wall to my left. It wasn't high, in fact it stood up to my chest. While I was standing there I suddenly posed, like a waitress, but instead of a tray of food, I held books. Then one of the men standing there suddenly spoke. He said "Vanessa you are now called..." Now I don't even know what he called me because I actually can't remember, it's like I knew what it was in the dream but I couldn't remember it when I woke up. However he continued saying, "This means love and..." again I cannot remember what he said, there have been a few candidates in my mind, intelligence, beauty...But for the life of me I cannot associate them with it. In fact I think the only thing that will spark that memory is if I actually re-enact it out, but I know that won't happen until I die. Well if it does happen, I'll be very glad it did.
The next story is another dream I had, around the same time as the story above. It basically was about the end of the earth. I was sitting at home looking out through the front window, and I looked up at the sky, and a large hole was developing, you could see the stars through it, and I knew something bad was going to happen. While the hole kept growing, it started to rain - from the hole - and everything the rain touched, outside, burned. I ran to my door, to tell the people outside to hurry inside and be safe, but they couldn't hear me, it was like my voice was non-existent. So instead, I ran back inside the house, and gathered my family in front of the window, and told them to pray. When I did, I saw the Earth, in all its entirety in the universe, as if I was no longer part of the story. After a while, it started to change, it's sides stretched. Think of Saturn and it's rings, and imagine the actual planet's sides were stretched to its rings, this is how I saw the Earth. It continued to stay like this for a while, then, like a lava lamp the main body of the earth slowly rose from the ring, and a new Earth was born. This was one of the most surreal experiences I had in all my life, I couldn't understand why I had the dream, or what it meant. But I'm glad I did, because now, looking back at it, it symbolised the change in my world, I was going through major changes during that time, and looking back, I was creating a new world, metaphorically.
Ok so the next story is basically about the Holy Spirit and how it helped me, when I was lost. I was coming back from a birthday party, this happened in like Year 9/10 (again British school system) and my mum and my sister had come to pick me up and we were using the London Overground. It was the first time we'd ever used it, so typically we didn't know what to do. Suddenly two young men came up to us, because they needed to use the ticket machine - they were also getting on the train - they paid for their tickets and in the process showed us how to buy ours. So we did, and when we went to enter the station, I looked around for the two men, because I wanted to thank them for helping us, but I couldn't find them. It was like they had vanished into thin air. Later on my mum told me that she thought they were angels of the Holy Spirit, because on the way over she had experienced something similar, when she was going to pay for parking, she saw a man walking his dog, he told her that she didn't need to pay for the night, and he turned a corner afterwards. She followed him, to thank him, but she couldn't see him, again like he vanished into thin air. I know this can all be explained, like he had probably turned down a different way to where we thought they were going, but in our terms, being a faithful Catholic, these things are acts of God, and his Spirit, and we are blessed to feel and experience them.
Now this last story is the most sobering one I've had, and by sobering, I mean really remember why I'm Catholic. This happened last night/early this morning, if you go by the time. It started with a nightmare I had, and in this nightmare I was with my cousins talking about something, and I looked up. A bloodied girl was on the ceiling, and looking down at us, I screamed and asked it what it wanted, it told me it wanted me to scream until I had blood running out of my orifices, until I died. I woke up straight after this dream really paralysed with fear. I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear I might have the same dream. But I knew I had to go back to sleep. So what I did was because I knew that if I called, He would help me. I prayed, three times, the Lord's prayer, the Hail Mary and the Glory Be. Then I went back to sleep, albeit more fitful than the last. In this dream, I was looking for the author of a book, with my aunt (we think of her more as a cousin than an aunt). When we found this author we asked her a few questions about a book we had read, and she started to quote the bible, and talk about Jesus, then suddenly she said, "I have always loved you and will always love you". Then suddenly all I could see was this woman, she was looking straight at me, as in my soul, and as clear as day she said, "This body is not yours. Leave." That was when I woke up. I could feel my body and everything around me, but I couldn't move. I was literally paralysed, because I could feel the crushing weight of something on me, not exactly on me, but inside of me, I felt crushed, I couldn't function, then I remembered her last words and like a mantra I kept saying in my head, well I think I kept saying it, I actually didn't really say it. And slowly the weight was starting to lift, so I actually said the words, "This body is not yours, leave" and suddenly I was free, I felt so relieved, and joyful that I started to cry. After a while, I did pray the rosary, the Glorious Mysteries. I'll never forget this experience, it was one of the most scariest I've ever had, and one of the most uplifting, because for the past few weeks I had been feeling lonely and depressed, and it felt like I couldn't find a way to feel happy about anything. But this incident, I knew, no matter how lonely I got, I would always have God to help me.
So yes, all these things really did happen, and I know there may be scientific explanations, but I don't really want to hear them, because in my opinion they helped me remember my faith, and yes they may be controversial, but I'd like them to inspire people, not crush their dreams. I know I sound like a preacher, but I'm not, I'm just a young girl trying to find my purpose in life, and for now, this is all I can do, tell you of what I've experienced and hope you can learn from them. Not all things are bad, if you do the best you can to live in the light, you will see the wonders of God, whether it's the Christian God you worship, the Islamic, the Jewish, or any other religion, no matter what you believe in, there is always one Almighty God and He/She is one and the same. There should really be no barriers. It's just culture and men that tell us what to believe. To quote the movie Angels & Demons, "religion is flawed, because all men are flawed."
Monday 4 November 2013
Assignment Mayhem and Referencing Confusion
Well hello, I'm back, and I am on my Macbook pro. Yes I finally got my very own laptop, which, to say the least, is AWESOME!!!!!! Ok so, what do I mean by "Assignment Mayhem", well, first you should know I'm in university, if you haven't already guessed, and I am currently trying to figure my way around this whole assignment thing. Yes I've finished it but I don't really know how to hand it in, and well...one of my lecturers has been telling us the details of these things, so I'm completely in the dark. Plus he isn't really up to date with technology...I mean I haven't had any news from him on our "learning platform" that is Blackboard. He said a few weeks ago that he'd be able to get onto it, yet he hasn't done anything to it at all...so WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!
Anyway, that's the first part of my rant the second part, is about referencing...ok so you know the Harvard system of referencing, yes I know it, and know how to use it, but in my opinion, it is soooooooo long!!!!! I prefer putting my sources into footnotes, I mean isn't that a lot easier than writing short hand references then putting it in a bibliography? I mean yes it's great that you get a lot of information out of it, but it's just an effort to cross reference and put the same information in twice!!!! In my opinion, there should be a better form of referencing, something that everyone can use, you know?
Anyway, that's it, because right now, I am very tired, this all thanks to the busy weekend I had, and the fact that I have a full week of university lessons this week, so good bye and I'll see you all very soon.
As always, do with this post what you want. God bless! ^^
Anyway, that's the first part of my rant the second part, is about referencing...ok so you know the Harvard system of referencing, yes I know it, and know how to use it, but in my opinion, it is soooooooo long!!!!! I prefer putting my sources into footnotes, I mean isn't that a lot easier than writing short hand references then putting it in a bibliography? I mean yes it's great that you get a lot of information out of it, but it's just an effort to cross reference and put the same information in twice!!!! In my opinion, there should be a better form of referencing, something that everyone can use, you know?
Anyway, that's it, because right now, I am very tired, this all thanks to the busy weekend I had, and the fact that I have a full week of university lessons this week, so good bye and I'll see you all very soon.
As always, do with this post what you want. God bless! ^^
I've been fascinated with zodiacs for a long time, but not enough to be overly zealous about it. Again this picture isn't mine...I found it on DEVIANT ART! Which I recommend.
Thursday 24 October 2013
Musical Fillings and Assignment Procrastination
Well hello there, this is your blogger speaking...Yeah, no, can't pull it off. So I know it's been a while, but really there's nothing to speak about...well technically that's not true, you see at the beginning of this week I was a bit melancholic, but I think I'm over it, even though it's still at the back of my mind, as it always is, although I am trying to get rid of it...actually I don't think it will ever go away, unless whatever I'm melancholic about happens, which I don't think will in the near future...
Well you know what I'll just say what it is...I was melancholic about the fact that I was single, yes I'm single, and no I have never gone out on a proper date before. But for the moment let's just ignore that, because I don't really want anyone whom I don't know to ask me out, and frankly getting to know someone online, for me, is quite creepy...you don't really know them...Anyway, the reason why I'm feeling melancholic is because I've recently been reading Labyrinth fan-fictions, yes, fan-fictions...and whilst I tell myself I may be fine with the people I hang out with, truth be told, I really want that mercurial Goblin King...yes I prefer the villain to what most boys are like nowadays...you know the type who think that swag is cool, or keeping their pants low because it shows their butt crack, or boys who use slang to speak...I'm not that kind of woman...I prefer the sophisticated type, you know...the type who knows what they want, and will not give up until they have it, but also think about my feelings...
So yes that's what I was melancholic about, but it's been pushed to the back of my mind, because if I continue to think like that I will just burn myself out and lose all hope in all mankind because no one is like my ideal, so I will just be concentrating on my studies for now...
Which reminds me, this title has nothing to do with the first part of this post...well...this I will tell you the meaning of it now...First the musical part...Recently I watched the 25th Anniversary concert for Les Miserables, and OH MY GOD!!!!! I completely forgot that it was this concert that made me fall in love with Les Mis even more...I mean sure the movie was great and everything, despite the singing, but I really love listening to the singing rather than watch the acting...I am a vocal person after all, so watching the concert reminded me that the music is what I fell in love with, for this musical...and of course I realised...when I first watched it, why Les Mis will be known as an all time classic in terms of musicals...I bet one day it will have a status similar to the Charles Dickens novel, A Christmas Carol, or even Shakespeare! Oh how I love Les Mis!!!! So yes now I've been singing music from Les Miserables all around the house everyday...So sue me! I love it!
Now for the assignment part...that part is pretty explanatory, I have been putting of doing my assignments for a while, because I didn't have enough material for it, and I'm still putting some of it off...Well to be fair, I need an example of the work to be able to work the assignment, so I really don't know what I'm doing. Hopefully soon I'll be getting a sample, but for now, the only assignment I've done is the one that's due in on the 8th week of this semester, and I still have yet to do my actual video production assignment...that one is to create a video based on a Joke...I really want to do my joke, hopefully we do, because to be frank...it's really easy, there's nothing too complicated about it.
Anyway, as always, do with this post what you will, and I'll see you next time...God Bless! ^^
Well you know what I'll just say what it is...I was melancholic about the fact that I was single, yes I'm single, and no I have never gone out on a proper date before. But for the moment let's just ignore that, because I don't really want anyone whom I don't know to ask me out, and frankly getting to know someone online, for me, is quite creepy...you don't really know them...Anyway, the reason why I'm feeling melancholic is because I've recently been reading Labyrinth fan-fictions, yes, fan-fictions...and whilst I tell myself I may be fine with the people I hang out with, truth be told, I really want that mercurial Goblin King...yes I prefer the villain to what most boys are like nowadays...you know the type who think that swag is cool, or keeping their pants low because it shows their butt crack, or boys who use slang to speak...I'm not that kind of woman...I prefer the sophisticated type, you know...the type who knows what they want, and will not give up until they have it, but also think about my feelings...
So yes that's what I was melancholic about, but it's been pushed to the back of my mind, because if I continue to think like that I will just burn myself out and lose all hope in all mankind because no one is like my ideal, so I will just be concentrating on my studies for now...
Which reminds me, this title has nothing to do with the first part of this post...well...this I will tell you the meaning of it now...First the musical part...Recently I watched the 25th Anniversary concert for Les Miserables, and OH MY GOD!!!!! I completely forgot that it was this concert that made me fall in love with Les Mis even more...I mean sure the movie was great and everything, despite the singing, but I really love listening to the singing rather than watch the acting...I am a vocal person after all, so watching the concert reminded me that the music is what I fell in love with, for this musical...and of course I realised...when I first watched it, why Les Mis will be known as an all time classic in terms of musicals...I bet one day it will have a status similar to the Charles Dickens novel, A Christmas Carol, or even Shakespeare! Oh how I love Les Mis!!!! So yes now I've been singing music from Les Miserables all around the house everyday...So sue me! I love it!
Now for the assignment part...that part is pretty explanatory, I have been putting of doing my assignments for a while, because I didn't have enough material for it, and I'm still putting some of it off...Well to be fair, I need an example of the work to be able to work the assignment, so I really don't know what I'm doing. Hopefully soon I'll be getting a sample, but for now, the only assignment I've done is the one that's due in on the 8th week of this semester, and I still have yet to do my actual video production assignment...that one is to create a video based on a Joke...I really want to do my joke, hopefully we do, because to be frank...it's really easy, there's nothing too complicated about it.
Anyway, as always, do with this post what you will, and I'll see you next time...God Bless! ^^
I think this image shows my mood perfectly, I found it on DeviantArt, it's a cool website for graphics and pictures if you ever need any, they're some really fantastic artwork there. I suggest you visit the website.
Friday 11 October 2013
Clicker Obsessions and Computer Testings
Today is Friday!!! HALLELUJAH!!! No lectures, seminars or workshops tomorrow!!! I plan on making my weekends free as possible, so today is going to be a busy one...
First off, today I had the pitch to do, the one I was working on yesterday, I'm glad that's over and done with. Granted I had a slight criticism, with the use of PowerPoint and my budgeting criteria, but I did research, and I did the best I could. But overall everyone thought it went well...yay...-_-...But in the end, everyone...was pretty much...obsessed with my clicker...Yes I mean clicker, not my heart, a clicker. You know the thing you use to control presentations without having to look at them and just continue talking...yes that clicker. Anyway, I introduced it because I wanted to test it out, and well, it worked, for most of us, who had PowerPoint presentations.
It became the talk of the lesson when we had finished, all I could hear was "I'm getting me one of those..." and so forth and forthwith...I really don't know if that's the correct way to use that word, but I have and am using it...
Anyway, the seminar went smoothly after that, talking about how box office revenues pays off the entire process of film making, i.e. how it pays off the budget, and how much is left for the producer...yeah... I don't really care, I just want to be in post-production, thank you very much, goodbye and goodnight...
Secondly I just finished my storyboard for my next pitch on Tuesday, and now I have to work on the actual pitch...yeah, yeah, nothing to complain about, but still...HOW THE HELL DO I WRITE A PITCH!!! I mean this one was done using PowerPoint! Is it not the same? Not to mention, I DON'T EVEN HAVE FREAKING MICROSOFT WORKS ON MY MACBOOK!!! My dad has not even bothered to look up his discounts, and if he can get one, I have to bloody wait for probably a month before he even considers it! So now I have to sign off my macbook, turn the bloody shit that I call a computer on, and wait for it to take an entire lifetime to load up Microsoft Word...UGH!!! Today is not only busy, but also annoying and irritating. So forgive me for not putting up a better picture at the end of this post.
So as always, do with it what you will, and I will be seeing you later. God Bless! ^^
First off, today I had the pitch to do, the one I was working on yesterday, I'm glad that's over and done with. Granted I had a slight criticism, with the use of PowerPoint and my budgeting criteria, but I did research, and I did the best I could. But overall everyone thought it went well...yay...-_-...But in the end, everyone...was pretty much...obsessed with my clicker...Yes I mean clicker, not my heart, a clicker. You know the thing you use to control presentations without having to look at them and just continue talking...yes that clicker. Anyway, I introduced it because I wanted to test it out, and well, it worked, for most of us, who had PowerPoint presentations.
It became the talk of the lesson when we had finished, all I could hear was "I'm getting me one of those..." and so forth and forthwith...I really don't know if that's the correct way to use that word, but I have and am using it...
Anyway, the seminar went smoothly after that, talking about how box office revenues pays off the entire process of film making, i.e. how it pays off the budget, and how much is left for the producer...yeah... I don't really care, I just want to be in post-production, thank you very much, goodbye and goodnight...
Secondly I just finished my storyboard for my next pitch on Tuesday, and now I have to work on the actual pitch...yeah, yeah, nothing to complain about, but still...HOW THE HELL DO I WRITE A PITCH!!! I mean this one was done using PowerPoint! Is it not the same? Not to mention, I DON'T EVEN HAVE FREAKING MICROSOFT WORKS ON MY MACBOOK!!! My dad has not even bothered to look up his discounts, and if he can get one, I have to bloody wait for probably a month before he even considers it! So now I have to sign off my macbook, turn the bloody shit that I call a computer on, and wait for it to take an entire lifetime to load up Microsoft Word...UGH!!! Today is not only busy, but also annoying and irritating. So forgive me for not putting up a better picture at the end of this post.
So as always, do with it what you will, and I will be seeing you later. God Bless! ^^
I got this off the internet, it's not mine. I just wanted to share my misery to the world, the fact I couldn't even play my precious piano today... TT_TT
Thursday 10 October 2013
Film Pitches, Red Noses and Yoga Poses
Well hello there! It's been a while, I know, it's just I've been quite busy recently. I started my university course, about 2/3 weeks ago and it's been one hell of a ride. I'm not joking. When we started I told myself to look up everything I needed to know. Well, I did, and was confused at first. We have assignments due for the 6th/7th/8th week of teaching, and I was confused as to how to start them. Seriously! What do I do! But I spoke to some of the other students and my confusion has been satisfied. So now I'm like, I'll start them soon, because we haven't had much materials in order to start them. So perhaps this weekend I'll start writing.
Anyway, so far we've had "homework" to do, both of them are pitches, and well a little bit of reading. OMG!!! PITCHES!!! Granted I can speak in front of people, but when I hear "Pitches" I get really nervous. That's why I'll be using flash cards, thank you very much. Thing is, I don't want to be a producer, I just want to be an editor or a cinematographer, or even director (if possible, I really need to grow a backbone first, before I start ordering people about) because I don't want to come up with the ideas, I just want to be a part of shooting or post-production. Budgeting is not my strong point, and to be honest, I don't like research, but I know I have to. So I just have to "grin and bear it". Right?
So now the "Film Pitches" part of the title's done, it's time for "Red Noses". The reason I say "Red Noses" is the fact that for the last two weeks I've been ill. How? Well I had direct contact with a person that was ill, in one of my lectures, but to my logic, defying any biological lessons I took in A Levels, I blamed it on the alcohol I had on a Thursday night, on which I went out, with my cousins, to attend a comedy night. Of course that's my logic, I blamed it all on the alcohol.
Now for the fun part the "Yoga Poses"! Well I had a yoga class yesterday, it was my first and I loved it! Seriously, after it finished, I couldn't move, not because my limbs ached, but because I was so relaxed I just wanted to sleep! That was an awesome lessons. And I finally know now how to breathe throughout a routine. For those of you young people, and older (if you are still flexible enough), I do recommend practicing yoga, it isn't hard, well if you do it correctly, and if you have someone to teach you properly. It's really good and it does help you, in so many ways, such as:
1. Strengthening your muscles (WITHOUT HAVING TO SWEAT IT OUT!)
2. Relaxing you (if need be, you know, after a long stressful day, just a small routine)
3. Keeping your flexibility and balance (seriously, some of the poses require a lot of concentration and balance)
Now, all that is said and done, I bid you farewell. And until the next time we meet, be good, and as always, do with this post what you will. God Bless!! ^^
Anyway, so far we've had "homework" to do, both of them are pitches, and well a little bit of reading. OMG!!! PITCHES!!! Granted I can speak in front of people, but when I hear "Pitches" I get really nervous. That's why I'll be using flash cards, thank you very much. Thing is, I don't want to be a producer, I just want to be an editor or a cinematographer, or even director (if possible, I really need to grow a backbone first, before I start ordering people about) because I don't want to come up with the ideas, I just want to be a part of shooting or post-production. Budgeting is not my strong point, and to be honest, I don't like research, but I know I have to. So I just have to "grin and bear it". Right?
So now the "Film Pitches" part of the title's done, it's time for "Red Noses". The reason I say "Red Noses" is the fact that for the last two weeks I've been ill. How? Well I had direct contact with a person that was ill, in one of my lectures, but to my logic, defying any biological lessons I took in A Levels, I blamed it on the alcohol I had on a Thursday night, on which I went out, with my cousins, to attend a comedy night. Of course that's my logic, I blamed it all on the alcohol.
Now for the fun part the "Yoga Poses"! Well I had a yoga class yesterday, it was my first and I loved it! Seriously, after it finished, I couldn't move, not because my limbs ached, but because I was so relaxed I just wanted to sleep! That was an awesome lessons. And I finally know now how to breathe throughout a routine. For those of you young people, and older (if you are still flexible enough), I do recommend practicing yoga, it isn't hard, well if you do it correctly, and if you have someone to teach you properly. It's really good and it does help you, in so many ways, such as:
1. Strengthening your muscles (WITHOUT HAVING TO SWEAT IT OUT!)
2. Relaxing you (if need be, you know, after a long stressful day, just a small routine)
3. Keeping your flexibility and balance (seriously, some of the poses require a lot of concentration and balance)
Now, all that is said and done, I bid you farewell. And until the next time we meet, be good, and as always, do with this post what you will. God Bless!! ^^
This is one of the many photos taken on a holiday to Japan. I like this photo, it boasts nature.
Friday 4 October 2013
Filming and Drawing Extravaganza
Well, I did promise a new post every time I can make one, so here's one. Have I told you yet? I am already in university! First year taking a BA (hons) Film Production at University of West London! Oh yeah! The very university I wanted to go to in the first place. Now let's see, what modules I'm taking...There's:
1. The Moving Image - Theory
2. Contemporary Industry Practice - Theory and workshops (I'll explain later)
3. Digital Video Production - Practical
These are my modules so far, next term would be something different. I can't remember what they are though...
Anyway...
So recently one of my lecturers told us to acquire a notebook to add our own ideas when we get them, so just randomly write down a screen title or actually write down a concept, or even draw some storyboards, of course you don't have to draw, you can photograph the storyboards. But anyway, I took his advice and purchased a sketch book, because they're better quality paper, and decided to start this ideas thing. And so far I have drawn some things in the note book, like the train seat in front of me during my journey to the university, my ring at a frontal view, and a rose (actually as I'm writing this post, I'm drawing the rose.
And I have to admit, it was a great idea to do this kind of thing, my creative juices are really flowing.
So you guys want to know what the modules are?
Well, The Moving Image is analyzing films and the techniques that are used to make them what they are and how good they are in terms of these techniques. Contemporary Industry Practice is basically how a movie is made, so from development to exhibition, it's actually quite interesting and my first exercise for the term is to create a pitch, that could potentially be a summer blockbuster. It's really quite interesting. It's due next week. so I better get started on it soon...Finally Digital Video Production is my favorite module...WE ACTUALLY CAN WORK WITH CAMERAS!!! You don't know how excited I am to be working with them, and my first "homework" is to create a pitch, script and storyboard for my first assignment. It's meant to be based on a joke that has a story in it, i.e. beginning, middle and end. OMG! THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!! I hope they do my idea, because I have such details fixed for it, and I would be so mad if we don't do it!!!! ><
That's pretty much it for now. I may upload a few posts after this, with pictures of my drawings, they're not that good. I'm still a beginner, so don't criticize me harshly, I'm not showcasing that much art.
So as always please do with this post what you will. God Bless! ^^
1. The Moving Image - Theory
2. Contemporary Industry Practice - Theory and workshops (I'll explain later)
3. Digital Video Production - Practical
These are my modules so far, next term would be something different. I can't remember what they are though...
Anyway...
So recently one of my lecturers told us to acquire a notebook to add our own ideas when we get them, so just randomly write down a screen title or actually write down a concept, or even draw some storyboards, of course you don't have to draw, you can photograph the storyboards. But anyway, I took his advice and purchased a sketch book, because they're better quality paper, and decided to start this ideas thing. And so far I have drawn some things in the note book, like the train seat in front of me during my journey to the university, my ring at a frontal view, and a rose (actually as I'm writing this post, I'm drawing the rose.
And I have to admit, it was a great idea to do this kind of thing, my creative juices are really flowing.
So you guys want to know what the modules are?
Well, The Moving Image is analyzing films and the techniques that are used to make them what they are and how good they are in terms of these techniques. Contemporary Industry Practice is basically how a movie is made, so from development to exhibition, it's actually quite interesting and my first exercise for the term is to create a pitch, that could potentially be a summer blockbuster. It's really quite interesting. It's due next week. so I better get started on it soon...Finally Digital Video Production is my favorite module...WE ACTUALLY CAN WORK WITH CAMERAS!!! You don't know how excited I am to be working with them, and my first "homework" is to create a pitch, script and storyboard for my first assignment. It's meant to be based on a joke that has a story in it, i.e. beginning, middle and end. OMG! THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!! I hope they do my idea, because I have such details fixed for it, and I would be so mad if we don't do it!!!! ><
That's pretty much it for now. I may upload a few posts after this, with pictures of my drawings, they're not that good. I'm still a beginner, so don't criticize me harshly, I'm not showcasing that much art.
So as always please do with this post what you will. God Bless! ^^
(I DON'T OWN THIS PICTURE!!!!!)
Saturday 21 September 2013
New Perspectives and Attitudes
Well, this isn't really a rant but I do know that things are looking up. Commencing this September I will be beginning my degree course in Film Production. Such an exciting thing to be happening to me. Just a few weeks ago I was fretting about exam results for my A Levels, now I'm casually talking to strangers on my course as if they were my friends from Primary School.
It truly is exciting. I have never thought in my life I would ever reach this point. I had to re-take my first year of A Levels, and I believed that I would remain in my Secondary School for the rest of my life, now I'm printing out the timetable I have for the coming semester.
Truly it is mind-boggling. I just hope I can survive. There are times where I fret about the tiniest things, but that's life really.
For now life is good, I believe that anything can happen, like, as others say, I will find my life partner here. Of course he has to be Catholic, so that I can share my beliefs, but that will all come in due time.
Tis something short but I just had to share my feelings. As always, do with this post as you will. God Bless! ^^
It truly is exciting. I have never thought in my life I would ever reach this point. I had to re-take my first year of A Levels, and I believed that I would remain in my Secondary School for the rest of my life, now I'm printing out the timetable I have for the coming semester.
Truly it is mind-boggling. I just hope I can survive. There are times where I fret about the tiniest things, but that's life really.
For now life is good, I believe that anything can happen, like, as others say, I will find my life partner here. Of course he has to be Catholic, so that I can share my beliefs, but that will all come in due time.
Tis something short but I just had to share my feelings. As always, do with this post as you will. God Bless! ^^
A very first look of my life. This photo was taken of me, my sister and my cousins. Guess which one is me...
Friday 28 June 2013
Delayed Postings and Knitting Mayhem
Ok, so I'm really sorry guys, things have been, well not quite hectic but they have been busy. I've recently given in my beloved iPad, back to school, and I no longer go to school...Now I'm pretty much...free...
I know it's something to be happy about, but lately that freedom has become somewhat busy...and I don't mean by sitting around doing nothing all day, you see, when I finished with all my exams and whatnots, I took up crochet and cross-stitch again, and that has been taking up my time. I would have posted sooner, but that delayed me.
I am also quite late in finishing the next chapter in the story on my other blog, theshadowsdescent.blogspot.co.uk/ I've laid out the foundations of it, and I do know what I want to write, but it just seems like right now I actually have no time for the computer. Literally! So for now please put up with the fact that I am not writing very much on this blog, but I promise when all my projects are done I will get back to writing.
These projects are not so easy to finish, see, I'm crocheting a present for my mum on her birthday this year, and a cardigan for myself. I'm also cross-stitching a piece for my mum, because she's been nagging for the past three years for me to finish it. The only reason it took three years is because of my A-levels, so now I have to finish it. Not only that I also have to find work, suggested by my mum, although, we are going on holiday in the next two months, I'm not sure if they're really going to let me get one. But oh well. At least I tried.
Anyway, sorry it's short and not very in your face, but I seriously need to get back to "work" so like always, do with this post as you will, and God bless. ^^
I know it's something to be happy about, but lately that freedom has become somewhat busy...and I don't mean by sitting around doing nothing all day, you see, when I finished with all my exams and whatnots, I took up crochet and cross-stitch again, and that has been taking up my time. I would have posted sooner, but that delayed me.
I am also quite late in finishing the next chapter in the story on my other blog, theshadowsdescent.blogspot.co.uk/ I've laid out the foundations of it, and I do know what I want to write, but it just seems like right now I actually have no time for the computer. Literally! So for now please put up with the fact that I am not writing very much on this blog, but I promise when all my projects are done I will get back to writing.
These projects are not so easy to finish, see, I'm crocheting a present for my mum on her birthday this year, and a cardigan for myself. I'm also cross-stitching a piece for my mum, because she's been nagging for the past three years for me to finish it. The only reason it took three years is because of my A-levels, so now I have to finish it. Not only that I also have to find work, suggested by my mum, although, we are going on holiday in the next two months, I'm not sure if they're really going to let me get one. But oh well. At least I tried.
Anyway, sorry it's short and not very in your face, but I seriously need to get back to "work" so like always, do with this post as you will, and God bless. ^^
Tuesday 14 May 2013
All Things Must Come To An End
Have you ever felt as if you're close to something, yet you are still so far from it? Well, that has been me for the past couple weeks, I've been revising for my exams, and not been concentrating on making meaningful posts, so apologies for the late update.
Having said that, my exams are at the beginning of June, (June 4th, 11th, and 17th to be exact) and I will be leaving an institute that I have been in for the past 8 years. EIGHT YEARS!!!! That is pretty much near half my lifetime on this earth so far. Its hallowed halls and sprawling greens are what I have been accustomed to for so long, that I cannot believe that I will be off to a different place, it seems surreal.
While, I feel like it is a new beginning, and I can't wait to get there, it is also an end. I am truly sad to leave a beloved and hated place behind, all my friends have left already, since I retook a year, but regardless of it, the place itself is what I will miss the most. I've known it's buildings like the back of my hand, and I doubt I will forget it any time soon, or its people. It is the place I've grown up in. Gone are the restless dreams of a child, or the longings of a dreamer. In it's place, a determination to find the joy at the end of my long and hard wanderings.
I remember, when I was just starting out here, I was the clumsy, eager little girl who didn't exactly know how to make friends. Granted I was a bit dramatic, and as someone once told me "I should have been an actress", but now, that drama has found a safe place to store itself, in the back of my mind and my career path has found its way to a place close to it.
Eight years, it does seem a long time, yet living it myself, it isn't long at all. Yet I feel as if I will be leaving (as quoted from a song I listened to recently) "The safety of the boat". Long have I been in the arms of the Church (The Catholic Church - and yes I am a devout Catholic) and I do feel safe, but now that my dreams will soon be realized, I've never been able to figure out how to be a Catholic in the wider world. There are so many other people and religions bigger and better than me, and I'm scared I may just lose myself along the way.
But I know in the end He will protect me. I just have to trust him.
So here ends a post that marks the end of a child trying to fit a woman's shoe. The next you hear from me will probably be when I find myself dreading my first day at university, or when I have just taken/will take a driving lesson, or even when I'm on holiday. Who knows, but what I do know is that you will be coming back, to read more of my mind, and I hope what you find is not someone who is distant and far from you. I may be in the same country, or town as you when you read it, and I will be able to feel happiness knowing that you reader, have found a mind similar to yours.
Until next time, God bless (which ever God you believe, and if you do not believe, God bless you anyway, that you may find him in your life) and as always do with this post what you will: show it to friends, read it in isolation, whatever you want.
Having said that, my exams are at the beginning of June, (June 4th, 11th, and 17th to be exact) and I will be leaving an institute that I have been in for the past 8 years. EIGHT YEARS!!!! That is pretty much near half my lifetime on this earth so far. Its hallowed halls and sprawling greens are what I have been accustomed to for so long, that I cannot believe that I will be off to a different place, it seems surreal.
While, I feel like it is a new beginning, and I can't wait to get there, it is also an end. I am truly sad to leave a beloved and hated place behind, all my friends have left already, since I retook a year, but regardless of it, the place itself is what I will miss the most. I've known it's buildings like the back of my hand, and I doubt I will forget it any time soon, or its people. It is the place I've grown up in. Gone are the restless dreams of a child, or the longings of a dreamer. In it's place, a determination to find the joy at the end of my long and hard wanderings.
I remember, when I was just starting out here, I was the clumsy, eager little girl who didn't exactly know how to make friends. Granted I was a bit dramatic, and as someone once told me "I should have been an actress", but now, that drama has found a safe place to store itself, in the back of my mind and my career path has found its way to a place close to it.
Eight years, it does seem a long time, yet living it myself, it isn't long at all. Yet I feel as if I will be leaving (as quoted from a song I listened to recently) "The safety of the boat". Long have I been in the arms of the Church (The Catholic Church - and yes I am a devout Catholic) and I do feel safe, but now that my dreams will soon be realized, I've never been able to figure out how to be a Catholic in the wider world. There are so many other people and religions bigger and better than me, and I'm scared I may just lose myself along the way.
But I know in the end He will protect me. I just have to trust him.
So here ends a post that marks the end of a child trying to fit a woman's shoe. The next you hear from me will probably be when I find myself dreading my first day at university, or when I have just taken/will take a driving lesson, or even when I'm on holiday. Who knows, but what I do know is that you will be coming back, to read more of my mind, and I hope what you find is not someone who is distant and far from you. I may be in the same country, or town as you when you read it, and I will be able to feel happiness knowing that you reader, have found a mind similar to yours.
Until next time, God bless (which ever God you believe, and if you do not believe, God bless you anyway, that you may find him in your life) and as always do with this post what you will: show it to friends, read it in isolation, whatever you want.
Tuesday 9 April 2013
A River Flowing
There is a reason to everything. It is because things happen, and things don't happen that others do. For example, a phone won't ring unless someone decides to call and acts it out. Everything has a cause. This post would not happen if I didn't want to post. It's a funny thing when you think about it. If we didn't do anything, nothing would be done. Something has to happen for it to be done.
This year is my last year in secondary school. It's strange just thinking about it. I didn't think that it would ever happen, and yet it is. What I must do now, is to think of the future: what is to come, yet I must live in the present. How can I do that? It is said, "Things are easier said than done." How much of this is true? What do I want? I want to know what will happen, I want to know everything that could help me. I usually go in life, without thinking, and end up either overjoyed, or totally embarrassed. Most of the time it's the latter. I can't handle that, that's why everything must be known, understood. That's why, this year is both a joy to me, and a curse. I want to leave the life I have known, but I don't want to embarrass myself at the same time.
Most of the time I would stay in a corner, my comfort, my home. But it isn't enough for me to do that. If I want to do something, I have to get out. But most of the time I'm scared to. Why? The embarrassment, the humiliation! I can't handle it, and yet I must.
Life truly is like a river flowing. We are the rocks that follow it. We must. We have no choice. We bump each other, we climb each other. We do everything we can to reach that ocean at the end. When we do what then? We look back? We forget? We're relieved that we have finally reached our rest? No one can say. But if I do know one thing, it is this:
We cannot spend our lives comforting our own wounds, because others have bumped us, because others have climbed over us to get to that ocean, we have to move on like they do. And it is up to us to keep our rock strong. If we don't we would end up a grain, in that ocean, not knowing how we ever turned into it. We must keep our boulder-like foundation, we must keep strong. We must be that rock, not just to ourselves, but to others as well. We must push them forward, we must guide them along that river, to join us at the end, in the ocean. We must fall, we must climb. That is all we must do, until we reach that ocean. I hope when we do though, we can look back, we can see the journey we've taken not just on our own, but the journey we've taken with others. We can look back at the marks we've made in the bank. We can look back at the marks we've made on each other. We can finally be at rest, knowing our mark was made in that river, our world.
This year is my last year in secondary school. It's strange just thinking about it. I didn't think that it would ever happen, and yet it is. What I must do now, is to think of the future: what is to come, yet I must live in the present. How can I do that? It is said, "Things are easier said than done." How much of this is true? What do I want? I want to know what will happen, I want to know everything that could help me. I usually go in life, without thinking, and end up either overjoyed, or totally embarrassed. Most of the time it's the latter. I can't handle that, that's why everything must be known, understood. That's why, this year is both a joy to me, and a curse. I want to leave the life I have known, but I don't want to embarrass myself at the same time.
Most of the time I would stay in a corner, my comfort, my home. But it isn't enough for me to do that. If I want to do something, I have to get out. But most of the time I'm scared to. Why? The embarrassment, the humiliation! I can't handle it, and yet I must.
Life truly is like a river flowing. We are the rocks that follow it. We must. We have no choice. We bump each other, we climb each other. We do everything we can to reach that ocean at the end. When we do what then? We look back? We forget? We're relieved that we have finally reached our rest? No one can say. But if I do know one thing, it is this:
We cannot spend our lives comforting our own wounds, because others have bumped us, because others have climbed over us to get to that ocean, we have to move on like they do. And it is up to us to keep our rock strong. If we don't we would end up a grain, in that ocean, not knowing how we ever turned into it. We must keep our boulder-like foundation, we must keep strong. We must be that rock, not just to ourselves, but to others as well. We must push them forward, we must guide them along that river, to join us at the end, in the ocean. We must fall, we must climb. That is all we must do, until we reach that ocean. I hope when we do though, we can look back, we can see the journey we've taken not just on our own, but the journey we've taken with others. We can look back at the marks we've made in the bank. We can look back at the marks we've made on each other. We can finally be at rest, knowing our mark was made in that river, our world.
Last Riddle - Given and Taken
So here's last week's riddle.
And I'm guessing no one actually wanted to guess, and because of the lack of responses to these riddles, I'll be ending them with this one. So the 10th and last riddle is this:
And I'm guessing no one actually wanted to guess, and because of the lack of responses to these riddles, I'll be ending them with this one. So the 10th and last riddle is this:
It is made,
It is given,
It is a bond,
That can't be broken,
To break it,
Means unhappiness,
To keep it,
Is utter bliss.
You probably guessed it, but it was:
A Vow.
No reason, just thought it up...Ok so the next few weeks I'll just be posting up random sayings, as well as rants. Unless you want more riddles, COMMENT! That is all I ask. Good day!
Tuesday 2 April 2013
Riddle 10 - The Cheese!
Here's last week's riddle guys!
That is all!The picture this time, is mine, but it was made in a time when I didn't know what to do with myself, so I decided to make up these sorts of pictures. There is no link on it, because it is fully mine! It's actually my Twitter background. ^^
It is a part of us,
That we cannot see,
Without it's presence,
We cannot be.
To have and lost,
Is not to not have at all,
It makes us blind,
But with it we stand tall.
So who am I,
I cannot say,
But you can show me,
Some other way...
Sorry it's cheesy, I couldn't think of anything else.
But did you get the answer?
It was...
Heart
So there really wasn't a reason for this, but I guess, it was something right? Anyway, this next one will probably be better.
It is made,
It is given,
It is a bond,
That can't be broken,
To break it,
Means unhappiness,
To keep it,
Is utter bliss.
Again it's a bit cheese! Oh well...
Again answers can be posted as a comment so please...COMMENT!!!!
Monday 25 March 2013
I SURVIVED!!!!
Yes! I survived! The fact that I'm writing this post, shows it...granted I did make a few mistakes...but I doubt anyone noticed...anyway...ready for the riddles!
Here's what I posted up last week:
That is all!The picture this time, is mine, but it was made in a time when I didn't know what to do with myself, so I decided to make up these sorts of pictures. There is no link on it, because it is fully mine! Yeah it was one of my earlier attempts at using Photoshop. ^^
Here's what I posted up last week:
You cannot see it,
Yet it's there,
But you know that
It's everywhere,
A life without it,
Is no life at all,
A life with it,
Can stand up tall,
We know it is
What we need,
We take it for granted,
Even in our sleep.
So what was the answer?
Well...
Air
Yeah, not really meaningful, but for the last few weeks I've been posting up really deep and meaningful riddles, I thought I would give you a break...So yeah, that's the real reason for this riddle. But then again, it is true...without air, you can't live, and with it, we can stand tall, it has an invigorating effect. I don't know how but it does!
Ok, here's this week's riddle:
It is a part of us,
That we cannot see,
Without it's presence,
We cannot be.
To have and lost,
Is not to not have at all,
It makes us blind,
But with it we stand tall.
So who am I,
I cannot say,
But you can show me,
Some other way...
Yeah, the last part, was a bit of a hooha...but I couldn't think of anything else, but the others are really what the riddle is about.!
Again answers can be posted as a comment so please...COMMENT!!!!
Wednesday 20 March 2013
Riddle 8 - Things Happen
So...The riddle for last week!!
We accept it from birth,
We live it until the world hits us,
When we oppose it,
Others say we are blind,
We close ourselves off to its ideas,
We judge those who are,
We cannot accept what it is,
Even though it has been for ages.
What did you think?
The answer is...
Religion
Ok so the reason behind was probably obvious, the appointing of a new Pope in the Catholic Church. Yes I'm Catholic. Actually there are many reasons associated with this riddle, it's not just the new Pope, Les Miserables, had a hand in this too...I don't know why really, but I just know that those who do have faith it's not just because of our own personality, but it's also in the way we were brought up...I don't know I think that if I didn't grow up the way I did now, I'm not sure if I would have had faith in God. But I'm glad I do, because right now, I don't think I can live without God in my life, anymore. I try a lot to see, but I just can't, because when I do, I end up feeling empty inside. Well anyway, enough with all this mushy stuff...Back down to business...
Here's this week's riddle:
You cannot see it,
Yet it's there,
But you know that
It's everywhere,
A life without it,
Is no life at all,
A life with it,
Can stand up tall,
We know it is
What we need,
We take it for granted,
Even in our sleep.
Yeah, I just wanted to make one that rhymed, it's been a while, so here you go!
Again answers can be posted as a comment so please...COMMENT!!!!
A Surprising Readilation?...
Ok, so this is not exactly a rant, but a very surprised...speech? First of all let's start with Monday...On Monday I receive a text from both my parents saying that I will be needed on Sunday to read for Palm Sunday, which is the beginning of Holy Week, in the Catholic/Christian calendar, of course oblivious to what I was reading I immediately said yes. At this point in time, I just felt privileged to read on Holy Week, The last time I read at Easter was at the Easter Vigil, on the Saturday before Easter Sunday, so I'm happy that I at least could do something that was as important, since we wouldn't be at church for Easter Sunday...it's a coincidence but my dad's birthday is on Easter Sunday, and we will be celebrating in a restaurant called Cosmo...somewhere in Croydon...Anyway...so yeah, I was happy to read, thinking I would be used for either the first reading, the psalm or the second reading...Oh but it doesn't end there...
You see, today on Wednesday 20th March 2013, my dad picked up the readings that I'm supposed to do on Sunday, and I was given a heads up by my mother this morning...Oh it gets better...
So I'm at school, with little concern about the readings, doing my everyday thing, learning, talking to friends, worrying about school, then I get home. I'm on the bus listening to Les Miserables, and loving it...
I come into the house...set down my bags, say hi to my dad, and get ready to do another bout of homework...then I see the post, and the readings I will do on Sunday. Now at this point it didn't strike me that the readings were photocopied, I had half expected it. So yeah, I didn't take any notice of it...until I got closer...
The readings weren't readings...actually when I picked it up, I felt many pages in what I now call my SCRIPT...because it isn't the first or second readings, or even the psalms that I got...nope, IT'S THE GOSPEL! O0O...Imagine my surprise when I see that it is, granted I don't have to say the priests lines that introduce that it is, you know..."The Lord be with you" and all that...And it's not even the best part...Here I would like to point out that my parish has a very modern way in reading the gospel...I'm not sure if every parish does this but mine certainly does. They include the readers to take part in the gospel, as extra characters, so the priest takes the role of Jesus, while everyone else does everyone else...So when I picked up the SCRIPT, I immediately think, "Oh, I'm going to be one of the other characters"...oh no...that's not what I get...
Like every good story there has to be description, in the form of narration...yep you guessed it...I AM THE NARRATOR!!!!!!! And Oh Lord help me...Trust me to get the biggest part, other than Jesus himself...What has happened to me!!! You know what, ever since my Confirmation I've been slowly climbing the ranks of the readers, I've read at Christmas (Midnight Mass) a few times, I've done Easter once, I've done the Sunday dedicated to the Holy Spirit, I've done soooo many Liturgical events, that it's not funny anymore!!! Now I have this...I know I will mess up at least once, during this special day! Over the past I have had at least one mistake whilst I read at mass! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS!!!!
So yeah, that's the story so far...If I make it out alive on Sunday, I'll tell you all the good news...If not...well...I guess you'll all have to put up with me saying bad things about myself, and whatnots...I doubt it, but still, please guys, pray for me. It's essential I have a lot of support so I don't make a fool of myself.
As always, God bless, and please post any comment you have, or any questions you have. Otherwise post up your answers to the riddle, that I have set. Like I said before, I post one up every week. ^^
You see, today on Wednesday 20th March 2013, my dad picked up the readings that I'm supposed to do on Sunday, and I was given a heads up by my mother this morning...Oh it gets better...
So I'm at school, with little concern about the readings, doing my everyday thing, learning, talking to friends, worrying about school, then I get home. I'm on the bus listening to Les Miserables, and loving it...
I come into the house...set down my bags, say hi to my dad, and get ready to do another bout of homework...then I see the post, and the readings I will do on Sunday. Now at this point it didn't strike me that the readings were photocopied, I had half expected it. So yeah, I didn't take any notice of it...until I got closer...
The readings weren't readings...actually when I picked it up, I felt many pages in what I now call my SCRIPT...because it isn't the first or second readings, or even the psalms that I got...nope, IT'S THE GOSPEL! O0O...Imagine my surprise when I see that it is, granted I don't have to say the priests lines that introduce that it is, you know..."The Lord be with you" and all that...And it's not even the best part...Here I would like to point out that my parish has a very modern way in reading the gospel...I'm not sure if every parish does this but mine certainly does. They include the readers to take part in the gospel, as extra characters, so the priest takes the role of Jesus, while everyone else does everyone else...So when I picked up the SCRIPT, I immediately think, "Oh, I'm going to be one of the other characters"...oh no...that's not what I get...
Like every good story there has to be description, in the form of narration...yep you guessed it...I AM THE NARRATOR!!!!!!! And Oh Lord help me...Trust me to get the biggest part, other than Jesus himself...What has happened to me!!! You know what, ever since my Confirmation I've been slowly climbing the ranks of the readers, I've read at Christmas (Midnight Mass) a few times, I've done Easter once, I've done the Sunday dedicated to the Holy Spirit, I've done soooo many Liturgical events, that it's not funny anymore!!! Now I have this...I know I will mess up at least once, during this special day! Over the past I have had at least one mistake whilst I read at mass! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS!!!!
So yeah, that's the story so far...If I make it out alive on Sunday, I'll tell you all the good news...If not...well...I guess you'll all have to put up with me saying bad things about myself, and whatnots...I doubt it, but still, please guys, pray for me. It's essential I have a lot of support so I don't make a fool of myself.
As always, God bless, and please post any comment you have, or any questions you have. Otherwise post up your answers to the riddle, that I have set. Like I said before, I post one up every week. ^^
Thursday 14 March 2013
Riddle 7 - This is getting ridiculous
OK, so I'm late in the next one, I've been busy anyway, you know the drill! ^^
That is all!The picture this time, is mine, but it was made in a time when I didn't know what to do with myself, so I decided to make up these sorts of pictures. There is no link on it, because it is fully mine! ^^
A world set apart,
Seen and is real,
But is never believed,
Those who lived in it,
Cannot describe it,
Nor do they want to,
We only dream of what it's like,
But we will never know,
If we don't live it.
Did you get it?
The answer is:
War
Again I was inspired by Les Mis for this one. How many of us can say that we've been in a war, physically, not emotionally or mentally. I mean like really been in one. I know there are many people who can say they have, and they can say a list of facts about how it was and how they felt, but we will never actually know what it's like to be in a war. Can you really imagine it: your friends and family dying right before your eyes? Can you say that you'd go to their aid instead of saving yourself? Can you even say that if you saw a gun aimed at your friend, would you really run to their aid? Would you sacrifice yourself, in an environment like that? You will never know unless you've lived it. Those who lived it say it's hell on earth, and we say we understand. But do we really understand?
Ok so enough philosophizing, down to business...
We accept it from birth,
We live it until the world hits us,
When we oppose it,
Others say we are blind,
We close ourselves off to its ideas,
We judge those who are,
We cannot accept what it is,
Even though it has been for ages.
What do you think?
Again answers can be posted as a comment so please...COMMENT!!!!
Thursday 7 March 2013
Riddle 6 - Oops O_O
So you know the routine now,
That is all!
The picture this time, is mine, but it leads to my other blog, the one that has the story, and if you do go onto that blog, please review the chapter you've read, because I would like to know if it's good, or needs amending. Plus you can add your own ideas! ^^
Here's the riddle for last week:
It is a salvation, and a damnation,
It is what we fear, but not cannot avoid.
It is a darkness and a light,
But it will never go away.
It creates grief and life,
We cannot escape it,
Yet we can choose how to face it,
Some face it with heads held high,
Some don't want to at all.
So any guesses?
No?
~Well~
The answer is:
Death
Why? Well I watched Les Miserable, two/three weeks ago, and the overhanging theme was death. I won't spoil it if you haven't seen the movie or play, or even read the book. But I would SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND IT!! Anyway I thought about death, and was reminded not only in movies but in real life death is always present, but we try not to look at it, and say that we would only look at it later, but that never comes. So, why? Because there are always controversial arguments going on about it, but it is simply something that happens to everyone, at the end of our lives. It's the way you look at it, when you do. Why become afraid of it? Why run away from it? Just face it head on and welcome it like an old friend.
OK this week's one (I'll wait for Monday 18th March to post the answer of the riddle.):
A world set apart,
Seen and is real,
But is never believed,
Those who lived in it,
Cannot describe it,
Nor do they want to,
We only dream of what it's like,
But we will never know,
If we don't live it.
What do you think?
Again answers can be posted as a comment so please...COMMENT!!!!
The picture this time, is mine, but it leads to my other blog, the one that has the story, and if you do go onto that blog, please review the chapter you've read, because I would like to know if it's good, or needs amending. Plus you can add your own ideas! ^^
Saturday 2 March 2013
Cancelled Plans and Disappointment
Ok so you know how when you planned something and the people who you planned it with decided to cancel because of an upset? Yeah this has happened to me today.
Yesterday my sister became ill, and I had hoped that she would be better by now, so we could watch a movie with our cousins, but she's still ill. And we had planned to watch this particular movie for the past week. Cue angry conversation.
I had hoped that we could still go without my sister, because she's seen it twice already, and she actually didn't really want to watch it again, and actually complained to me under her breath that she didn't want to watch it again. Of course while conversing on WhatsApp and telling them that they could go either on their own or with just me, they mistake her leave of absence for politeness, when we kept telling them that it wasn't.
And while trying to encourage them to go without her, or us, the pent up rage, anger, hurt, and disappointment start making itself known, and playing with my words...so in the end I start getting mad at them and saying, something along the lines of "FINE WE WON'T GO! AND BECAUSE YOU GUYS THINK IT'S GOING TO STILL BE OUT NEXT WEEK YOU CAN GO BUT I WON'T BE THERE! AND IF IT'S NOT OUT THEN DON'T BLAME ME FOR MISSING IT!"
I pretty much told them this, and exited the conversation, I actually thought that if I kept being in the group it would become hazardous to my emotional health, and that isn't even looking good right now, even now as I'm writing this blog, and doing homework, I'm talking to one of them, about what's been building up this emotional fart, because I just can't get over it anymore...
Here's why. For the past two years, my patience has been tested and I don't think I can handle all of the rejection! First off, August two years ago. After completing a week in Lourdes helping out at the grotto and feeling closer to God and going to WYD (World Youth Day) in Spain, which was also a way to get in touch and closer to God, I got my results for the previous year for my AS Levels, they weren't good, so I had to repeat a year. September started, and I was still in Year 12, because I didn't pass and I could see all my friends in the year above me getting along just fine, or that's what I thought. Christmas and New Year passed and it's February again. Around this time, I also had to film, for my AS media coursework, and had to put up with one of my actors dropping out and having to replace him with someone else. Oh that doesn't end there...The new actor...who will not be named, because of again emotional reasons...started complaining, because we had to film in the cold, wet winter...Newsflash buddy...I HAD TO!!! IT WASN'T BY CHOICE THAT I HAD TO FILM IN THE POURING RAIN AND THE COLD! MY MEDIA COURSEWORK WAS DUE BEFORE THE EASTER HOLIDAY! In March, after filming, I got my exam results (because I had an ICT exam in January, 10 hours of hell - spread out of course) and I got a failing grade, and I was tempted to redo it again, but thought better of it. At least I knew that if I got a good grade in my ICT coursework, I could get a C over all in my A Level (I managed to continue ICT into A2 - what a relief).
Now skip along to Summer 2012, I went to the US, namely Washington DC, New York and Chicago...I didn't really think it was a touring trip, I had expected something more relaxing, because I had been very active during the year, and I had wanted to go swimming since I actually find that relaxing, possibly near the beach, but if a pool was present, I wouldn't complain, but nope...nowhere near a beach, and not packing a swimming costume should have been my first guess that we weren't going to swim. Instead we took tour buses, walked around beautiful monuments, which did inspire some creative juices for my other blog. But that was about it. There was no spa treatment, no lie ins, nothing. Instead all we got were some souvenirs, new clothes (because that was all we could do, shop for new clothes) and some memories of these places we'd been to...WE DIDN'T EVEN GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE! (well not properly).
Despite that the only good thing about the Summer was my exam results after the trip, I had nearly expected to get failing grades again, but Boom Bam Baby! C's all around, meaning that I had just barely passed to go to A2! That was probably the good thing that happened for the past two years (prom notwithstanding, although it was a great party and it was for the year I used to be in, I didn't feel very happy at the time, I would have liked it if I had one of the people from my friendship groups attending with me - they were in the year above my old year, so they had their own prom).
Now comes September, I was fully immersed in my studies for the whole term. Except a little mishap happened, and I am now no longer proper friends with one of my sister's friends (you see I took a liking to her friends, and became an honorary member of their friendship group). I will never forget the way she mocked me...IN FRONT OF ME!!!!! All I did was just be myself expecting to be taken seriously, and I knew that I would be funny unconsciously. BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE MOCKED!!!!!! Seriously, this one "friend" honestly shouldn't be a friend. There's loads of issues with this one girl that I can describe but I won't because It would probably take up the entirety of this blog! So now, I'm no longer talking to this person, and will not in the near or distant future!
Then Christmas and New Year came around...which were not even celebrated the way that normal families celebrate...together...My dad had to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so we didn't do much things together, and we barely made it to Christmas Eve Mass! I really didn't enjoy it, even though I tried to, I didn't feel the Christmas spirit! New Years was slightly better, but I still felt dejected because of Christmas.
My birthday came, and my mum and I watched the Hobbit in 3D IMAX at the BFI. It was good don't get me wrong, it's what got me into writing riddles, but that's not the point, we ate at Harvesters (a restaurant/pub) just my dad, my mum, my sister and I. I was half expecting to have a big family get together, like we do every year...but as you can guess, that didn't happen. Nope, not a damn thing was done to celebrate my birthday with my whole family.
After this small disappointment, I now had to film with my cousins (the very ones that I had just argued with about going to the move...oh we're getting there) and a few friends, for my A2 Media coursework, which I am working on at the moment. Oh everything went smoothly, and we were getting on just fine, then a small hiccup happened. If you read my blog before, this is where "Anti-Social Time! Bad I Know" came in, I'm not even going to start with it.
Ok so we finished filming and we were going to pretty much go our separate ways, when I suggested watching a movie with my cousins, as well as my sister (who I wasn't sure was going to come) - by the way, this isn't the incident that started this post off, no this is the one before it. So I invited them, and we were sure to carry out this plan...then one of our cousins fell ill. I got that, it wasn't her fault so I suggested we drop the plans, besides we were going away for the half term (which was last week). This was just a disappointment, which I knew wasn't going to be picked up, and I half expected to watch it in the cinema anyway. So I resigned its fate to be on TV or on the computer.
Then the half term came...we went to Wales. Not a bad place, very hilly and scenic. It was nice, to get out, don't get me wrong. The holiday was nice...I just expected to relax though, and have Wi-Fi...I got none of it...nope, and the pool that was promised to be fixed and heated...not even that...When we got into it on like the second day, we expected it to be warmer that the outside temperature, which was about 4-8...but felt like -2 degrees (centigrade/Celsius)...I COULDN'T EVEN SWIM! We inquired at reception, and found out that it wasn't really fixed yet, the temperature had to warm up...WE WERE TOLD IT WAS FIXED!!!!! So we didn't get to have a relaxing swim, in a heated pool, instead we got freezing to death in an ice cube! But at least later in the week my mum had promised to allow me to get a spa treatment...Nope...not even that...When it came to Thursday, which we decided would be a lazy day, my mum declared that we wouldn't even get that spa treatment, because the employees didn't look as vibrant as their spa declared that we would feel like! That's just great! No pool, no spa, no Wi-Fi! Oh don't even get me started! We were promised Wi-Fi to be available, only to find out when we got there, that the Wi-Fi was available IN THE RECEPTION AREA!!!! NOT EVEN IN THE RESORT LODGES! When you promise Wi-Fi, IT MUST BE IN THE LODGES TOO! Oh and the Thursday we expected to have as a lazy day...we went out. And that's pretty much what we'd done throughout the whole week! We didn't even get a rest day! To say the least it was mildly enjoyable, but I had hoped for better.
Now we come to the event that started this long and winded rant...the movie. I was told about this night out, about a week ago, and had expected to actually go...then my sister came down with the cold. I don't blame her. I was concerned for her. But she insisted I go with my cousins to go to the movie, what do they decide? NOT TO GO AT ALL!!!!!!! If one of us wasn't going, none of us were, even though she had ALREADY SEEN IT TWICE!!!!! This is where they mistake her rejection for politeness. And where this whole thing takes off. I had told them that I was willing to go, but they kept telling me this one little snip of a pharse "If you couldn't go to watch one of your favorite movies again, wouldn't you be disappointed?" or "I know I would be disappointed to not watch the movie again." I KEPT TELLING THEM THAT SHE DIDN'T CARE!!! SHE HAD TOLD ME HERSELF!!!!!!! But nope, they still mistake it for politeness. BUT I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO PUT THIS NIGHT OFF!!!!!!! I had been looking forward to watching it, with them, and watching it again, because I knew once wasn't enough, but then when they said "we'll watch it next week" I had a bad feeling it wouldn't be on, because it came out early January, and it's already March! So now I had to opt out, because they wouldn't get the hint, that they could watch it on their own, and without us! THEY DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING WITH US TO HAVE A GREAT TIME!!!!!!! And so I deleted the group conversation, and stopped talking to them in that way, and although I have one of them as my contacts in my WhatsApp conversations list, I will not be talking to them for a while, because after this event, I just can't do it anymore. After a long time to myself, and writing this, I have opted to reject they're incoming offers to going out, for now, because I know they mean well, but I just can't be on the receiving end of rejections anymore. I've had to deal with it too much already, and I don't think my heart or my emotional well-being can take it anymore. So yeah I've started crying now...because all this has just taken its toll...so excuse me while I wallow in self-pity...
Yesterday my sister became ill, and I had hoped that she would be better by now, so we could watch a movie with our cousins, but she's still ill. And we had planned to watch this particular movie for the past week. Cue angry conversation.
I had hoped that we could still go without my sister, because she's seen it twice already, and she actually didn't really want to watch it again, and actually complained to me under her breath that she didn't want to watch it again. Of course while conversing on WhatsApp and telling them that they could go either on their own or with just me, they mistake her leave of absence for politeness, when we kept telling them that it wasn't.
And while trying to encourage them to go without her, or us, the pent up rage, anger, hurt, and disappointment start making itself known, and playing with my words...so in the end I start getting mad at them and saying, something along the lines of "FINE WE WON'T GO! AND BECAUSE YOU GUYS THINK IT'S GOING TO STILL BE OUT NEXT WEEK YOU CAN GO BUT I WON'T BE THERE! AND IF IT'S NOT OUT THEN DON'T BLAME ME FOR MISSING IT!"
I pretty much told them this, and exited the conversation, I actually thought that if I kept being in the group it would become hazardous to my emotional health, and that isn't even looking good right now, even now as I'm writing this blog, and doing homework, I'm talking to one of them, about what's been building up this emotional fart, because I just can't get over it anymore...
Here's why. For the past two years, my patience has been tested and I don't think I can handle all of the rejection! First off, August two years ago. After completing a week in Lourdes helping out at the grotto and feeling closer to God and going to WYD (World Youth Day) in Spain, which was also a way to get in touch and closer to God, I got my results for the previous year for my AS Levels, they weren't good, so I had to repeat a year. September started, and I was still in Year 12, because I didn't pass and I could see all my friends in the year above me getting along just fine, or that's what I thought. Christmas and New Year passed and it's February again. Around this time, I also had to film, for my AS media coursework, and had to put up with one of my actors dropping out and having to replace him with someone else. Oh that doesn't end there...The new actor...who will not be named, because of again emotional reasons...started complaining, because we had to film in the cold, wet winter...Newsflash buddy...I HAD TO!!! IT WASN'T BY CHOICE THAT I HAD TO FILM IN THE POURING RAIN AND THE COLD! MY MEDIA COURSEWORK WAS DUE BEFORE THE EASTER HOLIDAY! In March, after filming, I got my exam results (because I had an ICT exam in January, 10 hours of hell - spread out of course) and I got a failing grade, and I was tempted to redo it again, but thought better of it. At least I knew that if I got a good grade in my ICT coursework, I could get a C over all in my A Level (I managed to continue ICT into A2 - what a relief).
Now skip along to Summer 2012, I went to the US, namely Washington DC, New York and Chicago...I didn't really think it was a touring trip, I had expected something more relaxing, because I had been very active during the year, and I had wanted to go swimming since I actually find that relaxing, possibly near the beach, but if a pool was present, I wouldn't complain, but nope...nowhere near a beach, and not packing a swimming costume should have been my first guess that we weren't going to swim. Instead we took tour buses, walked around beautiful monuments, which did inspire some creative juices for my other blog. But that was about it. There was no spa treatment, no lie ins, nothing. Instead all we got were some souvenirs, new clothes (because that was all we could do, shop for new clothes) and some memories of these places we'd been to...WE DIDN'T EVEN GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE! (well not properly).
Despite that the only good thing about the Summer was my exam results after the trip, I had nearly expected to get failing grades again, but Boom Bam Baby! C's all around, meaning that I had just barely passed to go to A2! That was probably the good thing that happened for the past two years (prom notwithstanding, although it was a great party and it was for the year I used to be in, I didn't feel very happy at the time, I would have liked it if I had one of the people from my friendship groups attending with me - they were in the year above my old year, so they had their own prom).
Now comes September, I was fully immersed in my studies for the whole term. Except a little mishap happened, and I am now no longer proper friends with one of my sister's friends (you see I took a liking to her friends, and became an honorary member of their friendship group). I will never forget the way she mocked me...IN FRONT OF ME!!!!! All I did was just be myself expecting to be taken seriously, and I knew that I would be funny unconsciously. BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE MOCKED!!!!!! Seriously, this one "friend" honestly shouldn't be a friend. There's loads of issues with this one girl that I can describe but I won't because It would probably take up the entirety of this blog! So now, I'm no longer talking to this person, and will not in the near or distant future!
Then Christmas and New Year came around...which were not even celebrated the way that normal families celebrate...together...My dad had to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so we didn't do much things together, and we barely made it to Christmas Eve Mass! I really didn't enjoy it, even though I tried to, I didn't feel the Christmas spirit! New Years was slightly better, but I still felt dejected because of Christmas.
My birthday came, and my mum and I watched the Hobbit in 3D IMAX at the BFI. It was good don't get me wrong, it's what got me into writing riddles, but that's not the point, we ate at Harvesters (a restaurant/pub) just my dad, my mum, my sister and I. I was half expecting to have a big family get together, like we do every year...but as you can guess, that didn't happen. Nope, not a damn thing was done to celebrate my birthday with my whole family.
After this small disappointment, I now had to film with my cousins (the very ones that I had just argued with about going to the move...oh we're getting there) and a few friends, for my A2 Media coursework, which I am working on at the moment. Oh everything went smoothly, and we were getting on just fine, then a small hiccup happened. If you read my blog before, this is where "Anti-Social Time! Bad I Know" came in, I'm not even going to start with it.
Ok so we finished filming and we were going to pretty much go our separate ways, when I suggested watching a movie with my cousins, as well as my sister (who I wasn't sure was going to come) - by the way, this isn't the incident that started this post off, no this is the one before it. So I invited them, and we were sure to carry out this plan...then one of our cousins fell ill. I got that, it wasn't her fault so I suggested we drop the plans, besides we were going away for the half term (which was last week). This was just a disappointment, which I knew wasn't going to be picked up, and I half expected to watch it in the cinema anyway. So I resigned its fate to be on TV or on the computer.
Then the half term came...we went to Wales. Not a bad place, very hilly and scenic. It was nice, to get out, don't get me wrong. The holiday was nice...I just expected to relax though, and have Wi-Fi...I got none of it...nope, and the pool that was promised to be fixed and heated...not even that...When we got into it on like the second day, we expected it to be warmer that the outside temperature, which was about 4-8...but felt like -2 degrees (centigrade/Celsius)...I COULDN'T EVEN SWIM! We inquired at reception, and found out that it wasn't really fixed yet, the temperature had to warm up...WE WERE TOLD IT WAS FIXED!!!!! So we didn't get to have a relaxing swim, in a heated pool, instead we got freezing to death in an ice cube! But at least later in the week my mum had promised to allow me to get a spa treatment...Nope...not even that...When it came to Thursday, which we decided would be a lazy day, my mum declared that we wouldn't even get that spa treatment, because the employees didn't look as vibrant as their spa declared that we would feel like! That's just great! No pool, no spa, no Wi-Fi! Oh don't even get me started! We were promised Wi-Fi to be available, only to find out when we got there, that the Wi-Fi was available IN THE RECEPTION AREA!!!! NOT EVEN IN THE RESORT LODGES! When you promise Wi-Fi, IT MUST BE IN THE LODGES TOO! Oh and the Thursday we expected to have as a lazy day...we went out. And that's pretty much what we'd done throughout the whole week! We didn't even get a rest day! To say the least it was mildly enjoyable, but I had hoped for better.
Now we come to the event that started this long and winded rant...the movie. I was told about this night out, about a week ago, and had expected to actually go...then my sister came down with the cold. I don't blame her. I was concerned for her. But she insisted I go with my cousins to go to the movie, what do they decide? NOT TO GO AT ALL!!!!!!! If one of us wasn't going, none of us were, even though she had ALREADY SEEN IT TWICE!!!!! This is where they mistake her rejection for politeness. And where this whole thing takes off. I had told them that I was willing to go, but they kept telling me this one little snip of a pharse "If you couldn't go to watch one of your favorite movies again, wouldn't you be disappointed?" or "I know I would be disappointed to not watch the movie again." I KEPT TELLING THEM THAT SHE DIDN'T CARE!!! SHE HAD TOLD ME HERSELF!!!!!!! But nope, they still mistake it for politeness. BUT I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO PUT THIS NIGHT OFF!!!!!!! I had been looking forward to watching it, with them, and watching it again, because I knew once wasn't enough, but then when they said "we'll watch it next week" I had a bad feeling it wouldn't be on, because it came out early January, and it's already March! So now I had to opt out, because they wouldn't get the hint, that they could watch it on their own, and without us! THEY DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING WITH US TO HAVE A GREAT TIME!!!!!!! And so I deleted the group conversation, and stopped talking to them in that way, and although I have one of them as my contacts in my WhatsApp conversations list, I will not be talking to them for a while, because after this event, I just can't do it anymore. After a long time to myself, and writing this, I have opted to reject they're incoming offers to going out, for now, because I know they mean well, but I just can't be on the receiving end of rejections anymore. I've had to deal with it too much already, and I don't think my heart or my emotional well-being can take it anymore. So yeah I've started crying now...because all this has just taken its toll...so excuse me while I wallow in self-pity...
Wednesday 27 February 2013
An Inconvenient Holiday
Right, so you know the feeling when you're just lazing about, happy and content, then someone decides to say something that is highly inconvenient to you, and you know it's only due to lack of memory? Well that's me at the moment...
There I was sitting on the couch, full from eating, and content to watch Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadow (which is an awesome movie by the way), while conversing with my family, and my sister pulls out a booklet of travel places she would like to go to. Suddenly my mother blurts out something that widens my eyes:
"Oh we're going to Spain"
"When?!" I ask, hoping it's in the summer where I have the most time off...
"October!" She says with glee, expecting me to share in it.
I just gaze straight ahead, thinking about it. You may be thinking what's the matter with October, spooks and thrills, so exciting...well I'll tell you now that it is an inconvenient time for me because I WILL BE STARTING MY UNIVERSITY COURSE IN SEPTEMBER!!!!! And university schedules in London are not the same as school schedules, here.
In school you are expected to be in school from the beginning of September to the end of July, with a few holidays interspersed, to spread out the terms. In each term you have a half term which splits the terms again into two....
You might have guessed, that one of them is in October. Correct. The last week of October to be exact. And yes you are granted that this coincides with the holiday...oh but you are not yet close to my ire...
In university you have nothing of the sort...you have semester whereby there are only two...get my drift? All I really have is two holidays (if they don't give me Easter...) that would be Christmas and the very long and very needed Summer holiday.
Guess what? NO HALF TERMS IN THE MIDDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is what brings my ire...
My parents have planned a holiday with only my old school's schedule in mind, not a university schedule...
So I'm stuck all alone at home while they have fun in the sun in Spain!!!!!!! Where I would gladly help with the language since I'm studying it right now,and to a very full and intellectual extent.
Now you may all be saying "well what's wrong with that? You get the whole house to yourself and you don't have anyone telling you what to do, you can easily have a party!"
Oh yeah don't get me wrong, I will finally learn some sense of independence, but it's the fact that this was planned without me in mind...
Hang on, I will explain...
What I mean is that they both clearly know I'm going to university and that their schedule is different from regular school. Yet they so willing chose to book a holiday without this in mind, clearly forgetting! This leads me to suspect that THEY EXPECT ME TO STILL BE IN A HIGH SCHOOL REGIME!!!!!! They don't take into account at all that I will be in university, they don't even remember that what I've been so labouring for, for the past two years has been for university! This is what ticks me off! They clearly forgot me! Now they amend this problem by saying that I get to learn independence...FOR ONE BLEEDING WEEK!!! I have longed for, and craved for the independence that many of my classmates will get this coming year, and I have been begging them for the past two years to let me go into accommodation, to learn this but they adamantly refuse...NOW THEY SAY THAT I'LL GET THE CHANCE!!!!!! FOR ONE WEEK!!!! THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TIME, THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TIME!!!! Whilst I'll be learning all this at the end of October, everyone has already started at the beginning of the year!
This is what ticks me off! The fact that they are now contradicting their reasons, for me to not go into accommodation and to not learn independence for myself, is the very thing that ticks me off!!!
Oh this has happened before, but only verbally, I would ask my mother something and she would deny it, in fact deny my right for asking again, because "her word is the final word" (similar to what my father would do too). Then weeks or even months later, she would suggest the VERY THING I SUGGESTED TO HER NOT THAT LONG AGO!!!!!!!
Well anyway, I will leave it there, and say I'm sorry myself, since I didn't get to post up the answer to the riddle I posted two weeks ago and I have my reasons:
For the first week I was so busy with coursework and my biology case study not to mention my homework, that I didn't have time to go on my blog and post it.
And in the second week I was in Wales, actually in a resort that didn't have any Wi-Fi connections in their lodgings, but in their reception area, plus I was walking about all day everyday so I didn't have time either.
So I'm really sorry for that. And this week has been hectic because I'm still trying to get off Holiday mode and into full studying mode, so I'll post up the answer and the next riddle next week...
Oh and you may find now that my steam has now blown away, that's because I'm taking into great satisfaction that my parents are concerning themselves with our broken toilet flush, which I forgot to tell them when I got out of the shower, too busy singing my way through Eponine's pieces in Les Miserables. A minor revenge to their accident aimed at me...so you know an accident for an accident.
I know it's petty and selfish, but just once I'd like to be. So it's goodnight from me for now.
There I was sitting on the couch, full from eating, and content to watch Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadow (which is an awesome movie by the way), while conversing with my family, and my sister pulls out a booklet of travel places she would like to go to. Suddenly my mother blurts out something that widens my eyes:
"Oh we're going to Spain"
"When?!" I ask, hoping it's in the summer where I have the most time off...
"October!" She says with glee, expecting me to share in it.
I just gaze straight ahead, thinking about it. You may be thinking what's the matter with October, spooks and thrills, so exciting...well I'll tell you now that it is an inconvenient time for me because I WILL BE STARTING MY UNIVERSITY COURSE IN SEPTEMBER!!!!! And university schedules in London are not the same as school schedules, here.
In school you are expected to be in school from the beginning of September to the end of July, with a few holidays interspersed, to spread out the terms. In each term you have a half term which splits the terms again into two....
You might have guessed, that one of them is in October. Correct. The last week of October to be exact. And yes you are granted that this coincides with the holiday...oh but you are not yet close to my ire...
In university you have nothing of the sort...you have semester whereby there are only two...get my drift? All I really have is two holidays (if they don't give me Easter...) that would be Christmas and the very long and very needed Summer holiday.
Guess what? NO HALF TERMS IN THE MIDDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is what brings my ire...
My parents have planned a holiday with only my old school's schedule in mind, not a university schedule...
So I'm stuck all alone at home while they have fun in the sun in Spain!!!!!!! Where I would gladly help with the language since I'm studying it right now,and to a very full and intellectual extent.
Now you may all be saying "well what's wrong with that? You get the whole house to yourself and you don't have anyone telling you what to do, you can easily have a party!"
Oh yeah don't get me wrong, I will finally learn some sense of independence, but it's the fact that this was planned without me in mind...
Hang on, I will explain...
What I mean is that they both clearly know I'm going to university and that their schedule is different from regular school. Yet they so willing chose to book a holiday without this in mind, clearly forgetting! This leads me to suspect that THEY EXPECT ME TO STILL BE IN A HIGH SCHOOL REGIME!!!!!! They don't take into account at all that I will be in university, they don't even remember that what I've been so labouring for, for the past two years has been for university! This is what ticks me off! They clearly forgot me! Now they amend this problem by saying that I get to learn independence...FOR ONE BLEEDING WEEK!!! I have longed for, and craved for the independence that many of my classmates will get this coming year, and I have been begging them for the past two years to let me go into accommodation, to learn this but they adamantly refuse...NOW THEY SAY THAT I'LL GET THE CHANCE!!!!!! FOR ONE WEEK!!!! THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TIME, THAT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TIME!!!! Whilst I'll be learning all this at the end of October, everyone has already started at the beginning of the year!
This is what ticks me off! The fact that they are now contradicting their reasons, for me to not go into accommodation and to not learn independence for myself, is the very thing that ticks me off!!!
Oh this has happened before, but only verbally, I would ask my mother something and she would deny it, in fact deny my right for asking again, because "her word is the final word" (similar to what my father would do too). Then weeks or even months later, she would suggest the VERY THING I SUGGESTED TO HER NOT THAT LONG AGO!!!!!!!
Well anyway, I will leave it there, and say I'm sorry myself, since I didn't get to post up the answer to the riddle I posted two weeks ago and I have my reasons:
For the first week I was so busy with coursework and my biology case study not to mention my homework, that I didn't have time to go on my blog and post it.
And in the second week I was in Wales, actually in a resort that didn't have any Wi-Fi connections in their lodgings, but in their reception area, plus I was walking about all day everyday so I didn't have time either.
So I'm really sorry for that. And this week has been hectic because I'm still trying to get off Holiday mode and into full studying mode, so I'll post up the answer and the next riddle next week...
Oh and you may find now that my steam has now blown away, that's because I'm taking into great satisfaction that my parents are concerning themselves with our broken toilet flush, which I forgot to tell them when I got out of the shower, too busy singing my way through Eponine's pieces in Les Miserables. A minor revenge to their accident aimed at me...so you know an accident for an accident.
I know it's petty and selfish, but just once I'd like to be. So it's goodnight from me for now.
Tuesday 5 February 2013
Riddle 5 - What is it We Fear?
So you know the routine now,
Here's the riddle for last week:
That is all!
By the way, this picture has no reference to the answer, I put it up, because it reflects the thought of life, how magnificent and mysterious it is, we don't really think at all, and just take it for granted. AGAIN THE PICTURE IS NOT MINE!!! I just used it for inspiration, click on the picture to see who actually made it.
Here's the riddle for last week:
We do not exactly know what it is,
We say it is, but not what is thought,
It is different for another when it is true for one,
They are never the same, yet it is one,
It cannot be described, nor shown,
No matter how others try.
It cannot be true, as it can be altered,
It cannot lie, as it tells the truth.
Did you get it?
The answer was:
Reality
So the reason for this one? Well I was listening to the soundtrack for Inception one day, and it just came to me. I then contemplated what "Reality" was. For every person it is different: it can be good, it can be bad, but it's still just perception. Reality for everyone is a perception, that we cannot avoid. It is a truth, since it tells the truth, but we see it in different ways. So what is your reality?
Ok! Next riddle!
It is a salvation, and a damnation,
It is what we fear, but not cannot avoid.
It is a darkness and a light,
But it will never go away.
It creates grief and life,
We cannot escape it,
Yet we can choose how to face it,
Some face it with heads held high,
Some don't want to at all.
What do you think?
Again answers can be posted as a comment so please...COMMENT!!!!
By the way, this picture has no reference to the answer, I put it up, because it reflects the thought of life, how magnificent and mysterious it is, we don't really think at all, and just take it for granted. AGAIN THE PICTURE IS NOT MINE!!! I just used it for inspiration, click on the picture to see who actually made it.
Tuesday 29 January 2013
Riddle 4 - What is Being?
Well you ready for the answer to last week's riddle?
Did you get it?
The answer was:
Pride!
That is all!
By the way, this picture has no reference to the answer, I put it up, because it reflects the thought of life, how magnificent and mysterious it is, we don't really think at all, and just take it for granted. AGAIN THE PICTURE IS NOT MINE!!! I just used it for inspiration, click on the picture to see who actually made it.
First here's last week's riddle:
The root of all sin, it creates not life but death,
Our only solution is to have none,
But even if we declare it, it is still there,
Present in the darkness of our hearts,
Even the purest,
It is our greatest defeat.
Did you get it?
The answer was:
Pride!
Reason? Well I thought of it during the week, while contemplating (peripherally) on a book I had read, it's not the root of all evil, since it's one of the Seven Deadly Sins, and I don't really think it's key, but in the book I read it was kind of what the author was implying, but it is a cause for sin, and I thought, well what is the root of all evil? I thought about how Satan had betrayed God, how he used to be the Morning Star. It was because of his selfishness, that he turned away from being a steward of Humankind, and instead became our greatest threat. So I came to the conclusion that selfishness is the root of all sin, (as is money, such as declared by Jesus) but in all essence, it is because we want what we want, and not what we need that selfishness takes its root. Even if we say we aren't, we are. Just because we give money away, or spend time with the poor, we only spend a limited amount, we don't actually give thought to what we do. So some philosophy there but hey... you never know.
So you ready for this week's one?
Here we go:
We do not exactly know what it is,
We say it is, but not what is thought,
It is different for another when it is true for one,
They are never the same, yet it is one,
It cannot be described, nor shown,
No matter how others try.
It cannot be true, as it can be altered,
It cannot lie, as it tells the truth.
What do you think?
Again answers can be posted as a comment so please...COMMENT!!!!
By the way, this picture has no reference to the answer, I put it up, because it reflects the thought of life, how magnificent and mysterious it is, we don't really think at all, and just take it for granted. AGAIN THE PICTURE IS NOT MINE!!! I just used it for inspiration, click on the picture to see who actually made it.
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