Thursday, 21 November 2013

I've Given Up Hope

Well, from a great and inspiring post, we have a depressing one. I'm sorry, but it seems my mood swings have taken a turn for the worst. Although I said that my melancholy had worn off, that was a temporary thing. Turns out, it goes much deeper than I had anticipated.

Yes, I am still mourning the fact that I am single, but don't get me wrong. I don't mind it. But when I am with others, and I look at their Facebook pages, and any news I get about them, I tend to find them all in a relationship. In the end I find myself wondering why I have never been able to catch a break. And even though I have told others time and again, that I have never, NEVER, had a boyfriend they don't believe me, and that hurts me more than anything.

While it's a compliment, it is still a reminder that I have never had anyone to fall in love with, or even anyone who fell in love with me. Granted I've been in an all girls Catholic school, and I have had very little encounters with men. However, through the internet, and other media platforms, I experience relationships indirectly, and continue to dream of the perfect man. Of course there's no such thing, but that doesn't mean that my perfect man is perfect either. Like I said, I want the Goblin King in my life. But I know that's never going to happen.

Today, I met with an old friend (a boy by the way), who used to go to my primary school. We had fun, just hanging out, as friends. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, we just hang out, talking about the past, how we were today, and what has been going on in our lives. But, as we were talking, I was very aware of the fact that he had already had a few girlfriends in his past, whilst I had no boyfriend, not even one. And that thought brought me down to my lowest. At the time, I didn't want to say anything, and I just wanted to focus on having fun, reminiscing with him. But now that I'm alone, I have had time to dwell on the subject, and I truly feel alone.

It is true, what they say, "those with the brightest smile, are the most hurt." While I admit I do like my smile, and I do get complimented because of it, I understand this saying. I truly am hurt, while the injuries have been inflicted on me indirectly, I am hurt. By this, I mean watching relationships build up and break down, and still being on the fringes of them.

Like I said, I have never been in a relationship, but I have seen them, and have been the comforter, but I cannot be the strength of my friends, when I myself have not experienced the hardship of a break-up. The same can be said for my friendship with others.

I do have friends, but I still feel distant to them. I thought that in university I would have friends that would constantly ask me to go out with them, but that hasn't been the case. The reason being is that I live at home, and nearly everyone lives in accommodation. The fact that I'm completely out of the loop, in terms of this tradition, is what hurts me most. I cannot fully take part in their lives, and that cuts me deeply, as deeply as the fact that I have never had someone to love (in that way).

Now you can understand why I don't have anymore confidence in myself. I know I should not be dwelling on these thoughts, and emotions, and that I should get over myself and move on, but I have been told to do that many times, and I have been doing that for pretty much most of my life, but my mind will always go here and it will never stop, until I truly feel loved.

I know some of you will tell me that it's not worth it, having a relationship, but I will never know until I actually have had one. And even if you describe it to me, I will never understand, and fully agree with you, because I have never been directly hurt as bad as you. And although you may say ignorance is bliss, there is another saying which is constant in my case, "the better the devil you know, than the devil you don't." I'd rather experience the hurt and pain of heartbreak, rather than dream about it, and never have had it.

I will leave this post here for now, and give it to you, to do as you wish, as always. And my last request is for your prayers, that one day I may be able to pick myself up and dust myself off, and move on. And I do pray that God bless you, and keep you close to Him, as he does to me. I may not feel his presence sometimes, but I do know he is always there helping me, even in my darkest hours.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Miraculous Interventions

Ok so I know things have been weird lately, I've been more vocal yes, but recently I have been feeling very down, I mean very depressed and desperate lately. But don't worry, I'm not going to become the story of agony, actually I wanted to share a few revelations with you. No I don't mean prophecies (that would have been cool) but more of stories that had enhanced my own faith. Oh and I won't be writing in paragraphs, per say,  the paragraphs will be the different stories, so sorry if it looks like bad grammar.

The first story is about a dream I had many years ago, when I was just starting out secondary school (British school system). What happened in the dream? Well...It started with me waiting in a waiting room, with a bunch of other people, I couldn't find my family, but everyone was talking and happy at the same time, and I guessed that they were there somewhere. Suddenly I herded into a line with some other people. When I got to the front (like you would when you're at a queue in a theme park or ordering food at a fast food place) I was faced with a door, and had to way a while, because the person in front of me had just gone in. Suddenly the door opened and I stepped through. On the other side of the door, was a path, on the side of the cliff - like you would have when a road has been carved out on a mountain. Well there wasn't much to it, because only a few feet away, there was a large tree (I can't really remember but I think it was a willow) and under the tree there were two men dressed in white robes. They were just standing there looking at me with smiles on their faces. I smiled back and stood before them. But instead of facing them, I faced the wall to my left. It wasn't high, in fact it stood up to my chest. While I was standing there I suddenly posed, like a waitress, but instead of a tray of food, I held books. Then one of the men standing there suddenly spoke. He said "Vanessa you are now called..." Now I don't even know what he called me because I actually can't remember, it's like I knew what it was in the dream but I couldn't remember it when I woke up. However he continued saying, "This means love and..." again I cannot remember what he said, there have been a few candidates in my mind, intelligence, beauty...But for the life of me I cannot associate them with it. In fact I think the only thing that will spark that memory is if I actually re-enact it out, but I know that won't happen until I die. Well if it does happen, I'll be very glad it did.

The next story is another dream I had, around the same time as the story above. It basically was about the end of the earth. I was sitting at home looking out through the front window, and I looked up at the sky, and a large hole was developing, you could see the stars through it, and I knew something bad was going to happen. While the hole kept growing, it started to rain - from the hole - and everything the rain touched, outside, burned. I ran to my door, to tell the people outside to hurry inside and be safe, but they couldn't hear me, it was like my voice was non-existent. So instead, I ran back inside the house, and gathered my family in front of the window, and told them to pray. When I did, I saw the Earth, in all its entirety in the universe, as if I was no longer part of the story. After a while, it started to change, it's sides stretched. Think of Saturn and it's rings, and imagine the actual planet's sides were stretched to its rings, this is how I saw the Earth. It continued to stay like this for a while, then, like a lava lamp the main body of the earth slowly rose from the ring, and a new Earth was born. This was one of the most surreal experiences I had in all my life, I couldn't understand why I had the dream, or what it meant. But I'm glad I did, because now, looking back at it, it symbolised the change in my world, I was going through major changes during that time, and looking back, I was creating a new world, metaphorically.

Ok so the next story is basically about the Holy Spirit and how it helped me, when I was lost. I was coming back from a birthday party, this happened in like Year 9/10 (again British school system) and my mum and my sister had come to pick me up and we were using the London Overground. It was the first time we'd ever used it, so typically we didn't know what to do. Suddenly two young men came up to us, because they needed to use the ticket machine - they were also getting on the train - they paid for their tickets and in the process showed us how to buy ours. So we did, and when we went to enter the station, I looked around for the two men, because I wanted to thank them for helping us, but I couldn't find them. It was like they had vanished into thin air. Later on my mum told me that she thought they were angels of the Holy Spirit, because on the way over she had experienced something similar, when she was going to pay for parking, she saw a man walking his dog, he told her that she didn't need to pay for the night, and he turned a corner afterwards. She followed him, to thank him, but she couldn't see him, again like he vanished into thin air. I know this can all be explained, like he had probably turned down a different way to where we thought they were going, but in our terms, being a faithful Catholic, these things are acts of God, and his Spirit, and we are blessed to feel and experience them.

Now this last story is the most sobering one I've had, and by sobering, I mean really remember why I'm Catholic. This happened last night/early this morning, if you go by the time. It started with a nightmare I had, and in this nightmare I was with my cousins talking about something, and I looked up. A bloodied girl was on the ceiling, and looking down at us, I screamed and asked it what it wanted, it told me it wanted me to scream until I had blood running out of my orifices, until I died. I woke up straight after this dream really paralysed with fear. I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear I might have the same dream. But I knew I had to go back to sleep. So what I did was because I knew that if I called, He would help me. I prayed, three times, the Lord's prayer, the Hail Mary and the Glory Be. Then I went back to sleep, albeit more fitful than the last. In this dream, I was looking for the author of a book, with my aunt (we think of her more as a cousin than an aunt). When we found this author we asked her a few questions about a book we had read, and she started to quote the bible, and talk about Jesus, then suddenly she said, "I have always loved you and will always love you". Then suddenly all I could see was this woman, she was looking straight at me, as in my soul, and as clear as day she said, "This body is not yours. Leave." That was when I woke up. I could feel my body and everything around me, but I couldn't move. I was literally paralysed, because I could feel the crushing weight of something on me, not exactly on me, but inside of me, I felt crushed, I couldn't function, then I remembered her last words and like a mantra I kept saying in my head, well I think I kept saying it, I actually didn't really say it. And slowly the weight was starting to lift, so I actually said the words, "This body is not yours, leave" and suddenly I was free, I felt so relieved, and joyful that I started to cry. After a while, I did pray the rosary, the Glorious Mysteries. I'll never forget this experience, it was one of the most scariest I've ever had, and one of the most uplifting, because for the past few weeks I had been feeling lonely and depressed, and it felt like I couldn't find a way to feel happy about anything. But this incident, I knew, no matter how lonely I got, I would always have God to help me.

So yes, all these things really did happen, and I know there may be scientific explanations, but I don't really want to hear them, because in my opinion they helped me remember my faith, and yes they may be controversial, but I'd like them to inspire people, not crush their dreams. I know I sound like a preacher, but I'm not, I'm just a young girl trying to find my purpose in life, and for now, this is all I can do, tell you of what I've experienced and hope you can learn from them. Not all things are bad, if you do the best you can to live in the light, you will see the wonders of God, whether it's the Christian God you worship, the Islamic, the Jewish, or any other religion, no matter what you believe in, there is always one Almighty God and He/She is one and the same. There should really be no barriers. It's just culture and men that tell us what to believe. To quote the movie Angels & Demons, "religion is flawed, because all men are flawed."

Monday, 4 November 2013

Assignment Mayhem and Referencing Confusion

Well hello, I'm back, and I am on my Macbook pro. Yes I finally got my very own laptop, which, to say the least, is AWESOME!!!!!! Ok so, what do I mean by "Assignment Mayhem", well, first you should know I'm in university, if you haven't already guessed, and I am currently trying to figure my way around this whole assignment thing. Yes I've finished it but I don't really know how to hand it in, and of my lecturers has been telling us the details of these things, so I'm completely in the dark. Plus he isn't really up to date with technology...I mean I haven't had any news from him on our "learning platform" that is Blackboard. He said a few weeks ago that he'd be able to get onto it, yet he hasn't done anything to it at WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!

Anyway, that's the first part of my rant the second part, is about referencing...ok so you know the Harvard system of referencing, yes I know it, and know how to use it, but in my opinion, it is soooooooo long!!!!! I prefer putting my sources into footnotes, I mean isn't that a lot easier than writing short hand references then putting it in a bibliography? I mean yes it's great that you get a lot of information out of it, but it's just an effort to cross reference and put the same information in twice!!!! In my opinion, there should be a better form of referencing, something that everyone can use, you know?

Anyway, that's it, because right now, I am very tired, this all thanks to the busy weekend I had, and the fact that I have a full week of university lessons this week, so good bye and I'll see you all very soon.

As always, do with this post what you want. God bless! ^^

I've been fascinated with zodiacs for a long time, but not enough to be overly zealous about it. Again this picture isn't mine...I found it on DEVIANT ART! Which I recommend.