Essay Mayhem and Inspirations Needed

Hello Everyone,

So more than a week has gone by, and I’m sitting here writing a post. Basically, this week has been dedicated to my university assignments, which I can gladly say is finished! Now I can focus on my novel (I’ll speak about that later)…yes I will focus on that story…ok fine, what is it guys? What do you need?

Seriously, why do I do this to myself, I torment myself over helping others that I don’t concentrate on the one thing I want to concentrate on…It’s not their fault (don’t worry, if you’re one of the guys I’ve helped, I’m not blaming you) it’s mine. I CAN’T HELP IT!!!! I want to…no have to…help people! It’s built into my nature! Even now, I’m helping my friends as I’m writing this.

First it was simply discussing the content of the essay, now I’m proofreading for one of them…I got a B in my English GCSE (Exam board for those of you who aren’t from the UK)…so…why are you depending on me? Of course, it doesn’t matter, because I’m pretty much game for anything.

Ugh…oh the problems of an introvert…Anyway, so back to what I was saying…Inspiration…yes, I am running out of steam people! I mean I had the steam, but then I lost it when I finished the last chapter…now I’m on chapter 8 and I have nothing for it! I hate filler chapters, there’s pretty much nothing you can write for it! Of course, I have written notes as a guideline, but I highly doubt I’m actually going to use them. Oh well, we’ll have to see what happens…I will be updating you when I reach chapter 9, but that’s probably going to take a while, because…again…I will be procrastinating, since I have another post I want to write and I will probably write that, just to put off writing the novel. I need to stop procrastinating.

So a little bit more hints as to what I’m writing: well, I’ve changed the prologue somewhat, because the previous one was not that great, and to be honest, the entire story needed a revamp. Oh! I’ve decided, I’ll be adding snippets of the story here…not major snippets, but little bits of the story just to show you how this story is going to look like. So here’s the first one:

Unbeknownst to her, a celestial figure stepped behind her, watching her intently. Her bare feet peeked out from the lavender stars of her gown, and raven locks billowed in unseen winds. Feeling a presence behind her, the woman turned to face the figure, both in awe and in fear. The gentle rainbow eyes held a life aeons.

“You are certain?” her voice was as smooth as silk, and yet whispered through the woman’s soul. A single nod was her only reply, as she held out the baby.

This little snippet is from the prologue. If you want to be a reviewer, drop me a comment, and let me know if you’d like to read a fantasy novel, that will need a few tweaks. Oh and one more thing: if you want to know what the story is about, head over to my blogger, the summary is there (Buckle Down And Work)…although I will make a better one, once I’ve finished the last draft.

So that’s it for now. Time to return to procrastinating, and helping my friends. As always, do with this post what you will, and I’ll see you soon. God Bless!

I Don't Know What To Do

Well, my hiatus is over, and so I should be able to go back to my review blog and my story (because obviously I've already started playing League of Legends), but for some reason, I can't bring myself to do anything. Granted I've been logging onto my account for League of Legends, but that's about all I do. I don't play a single game unless a friend plays with me now...and as for my review blog, Doctor Who won't be coming back until Christmas, and well, I have one more assignment to hand in next week, before I can actually say I can return to my story, but truth be told, I'm dreading having to go back to it.

I'm not sad it's ending, in fact I'm happy that I can finish a story that is actually mine, but what I'm dreading is the happiness at the end. Of course every romance story has to have a happy ending, whether the boy gets the girl, or they have a sense of self-actualisation there is always a happy ending, and when I think that, I look back at my own life, and I find myself...not in the mood for happy endings.

I know I could always have a sad ending, but this story is mainly aimed for women, and you know how we like a good ending (never a cliffhanger - we always want the ending - God knows why, but we do). So I have to give it an ending, and most preferably a happy one, but every time I think about it, I just feel so depleted. Every time my mind goes to my story, shy away, because I haven't had my happy ending, and I don't think I ever will...

Lately I've been re-reading Labyrinth fan-fictions, and that feeling I get after a story is done, the king gets his queen, and everyone lives happily after, just makes me yearn for that happy ending. I long for that king to rescue me. I long for my own Goblin King, and yes, I know people will say philosophical things, but I don't care. You may think I'm longing for that "bad boy" type, but the truth is, the fact that in these fan-fictions, he still goes after her and she loves him back, is the one thing that I want; the one thing that I feel like I deserve.

I'm not saying I do, and I know it's impossible, but the fact that someone could love you, with all your flaws, is the one thing I truly desire. Many of you will probably say "if you want it go out and get it, love won't find you sitting at home and pining away," but that's just it! I have gone out, I have tried.

I've tried to flirt, I've tried to play the coy and shy one, but nothing works! I'm not extroverted, I'm not happy standing there with stranger and "chatting them up" it just makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, and the instant I step out I wish I was home, curled up with my iPad or a good book.

It makes me despair that I am so introverted that I can't even see the light of hope anymore, and as I type this, the most quintessential quote I can think of, from the same movie that has inspired my longing for love, is, "It's not fair!" Yes, you've guessed it, Labyrinth. So long, I've looked at life, knowing it's not fair, but for once, I will say it. It's not fair.

It's not fair that I am sitting here, writing all this out. It's not fair that I have this demon. It's not fair that I keep painting myself as the victim, when really it's just me being dramatic. It's not fair that I always seem to cry about this time and again. It's not fair that everywhere I go I seem to be mocked by couples, by strangers who can speak out to people and by friends who seem to have friendships that could span the ages. It's not fair!

Right now I'm listening to Shatter Me (yes, I know it's been...like...a year...since I've last mentioned this song but screw it! I love it, and it speaks to me) and it makes me want to shatter that glass that surrounds me! If you've seen the music video, you can understand what I'm talking about. I want that someone to make me feel alive, I want to stop living in this half state, where I think I'm living, when really I'm just lost, and lonely and not even living.

I know many of you may feel the same way. I know there are people out there, who feel just like me. So I ask you, WHERE ARE YOU! If you do feel the same way I do, why can't I feel you're presence. You +1 my posts, but I never really know if you're simply +1-ing it because it's a new post, or if you actually agree with it. No one even comments, so I keep thinking that no one really reads this post. It's frustrating and every now and then I am so tempted to delete this blog, because what's the point! What's the point of having this blog, when I don't even know if anyone does read it.

You all probably think I'm pathetic, or insane. Perhaps I am, but that doesn't make anything better. As I said before, I am a rose, surrounded by thorns, because I can't break out. The darkness surround me and I feel like I'm going to suffocate because I don't even have the courage to find the light. I'm slowly dying from the poison that tips every thorn and I have no idea how to cure myself of it! I truly, sincerely, and deeply ask for help!

I've Given Up Hope

Well, from a great and inspiring post, we have a depressing one. I'm sorry, but it seems my mood swings have taken a turn for the worst. Although I said that my melancholy had worn off, that was a temporary thing. Turns out, it goes much deeper than I had anticipated.

Yes, I am still mourning the fact that I am single, but don't get me wrong. I don't mind it. But when I am with others, and I look at their Facebook pages, and any news I get about them, I tend to find them all in a relationship. In the end I find myself wondering why I have never been able to catch a break. And even though I have told others time and again, that I have never, NEVER, had a boyfriend they don't believe me, and that hurts me more than anything.

While it's a compliment, it is still a reminder that I have never had anyone to fall in love with, or even anyone who fell in love with me. Granted I've been in an all girls Catholic school, and I have had very little encounters with men. However, through the internet, and other media platforms, I experience relationships indirectly, and continue to dream of the perfect man. Of course there's no such thing, but that doesn't mean that my perfect man is perfect either. Like I said, I want the Goblin King in my life. But I know that's never going to happen.

Today, I met with an old friend (a boy by the way), who used to go to my primary school. We had fun, just hanging out, as friends. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, we just hang out, talking about the past, how we were today, and what has been going on in our lives. But, as we were talking, I was very aware of the fact that he had already had a few girlfriends in his past, whilst I had no boyfriend, not even one. And that thought brought me down to my lowest. At the time, I didn't want to say anything, and I just wanted to focus on having fun, reminiscing with him. But now that I'm alone, I have had time to dwell on the subject, and I truly feel alone.

It is true, what they say, "those with the brightest smile, are the most hurt." While I admit I do like my smile, and I do get complimented because of it, I understand this saying. I truly am hurt, while the injuries have been inflicted on me indirectly, I am hurt. By this, I mean watching relationships build up and break down, and still being on the fringes of them.

Like I said, I have never been in a relationship, but I have seen them, and have been the comforter, but I cannot be the strength of my friends, when I myself have not experienced the hardship of a break-up. The same can be said for my friendship with others.

I do have friends, but I still feel distant to them. I thought that in university I would have friends that would constantly ask me to go out with them, but that hasn't been the case. The reason being is that I live at home, and nearly everyone lives in accommodation. The fact that I'm completely out of the loop, in terms of this tradition, is what hurts me most. I cannot fully take part in their lives, and that cuts me deeply, as deeply as the fact that I have never had someone to love (in that way).

Now you can understand why I don't have anymore confidence in myself. I know I should not be dwelling on these thoughts, and emotions, and that I should get over myself and move on, but I have been told to do that many times, and I have been doing that for pretty much most of my life, but my mind will always go here and it will never stop, until I truly feel loved.

I know some of you will tell me that it's not worth it, having a relationship, but I will never know until I actually have had one. And even if you describe it to me, I will never understand, and fully agree with you, because I have never been directly hurt as bad as you. And although you may say ignorance is bliss, there is another saying which is constant in my case, "the better the devil you know, than the devil you don't." I'd rather experience the hurt and pain of heartbreak, rather than dream about it, and never have had it.

I will leave this post here for now, and give it to you, to do as you wish, as always. And my last request is for your prayers, that one day I may be able to pick myself up and dust myself off, and move on. And I do pray that God bless you, and keep you close to Him, as he does to me. I may not feel his presence sometimes, but I do know he is always there helping me, even in my darkest hours.