It's been a while, namely because I'm working on my story, I've been editing and re-editing it, it's almost unrecognisable. Anyway, the point of this post is my personal therapy. No I'm not seeing a therapist (although I really should) but I somehow I found something really revealing about myself.
Alright so here goes my revelation. First I started talking about why I love Labyrinth, and the truth is, I really don't know why. I mean the acting was bad (granted Connolly was only a child - STILL LOVE YOU JEN!) and the puppetry was really creepy, not to mention there really was no point in the whole song and dance numbers they randomly put into the film, but there was something about it that I really love. That something was the romance, the meanings and the silent puzzles you had to piece together to see the picture. For example, the constant reminder that "things are not always what they seem" is a profound message, one that applies to all aspects of life, like the fact that when I smile, it's to cover my sadness. I really am sad, for reasons unbeknownst to me I am sad.
And here we go on that tangent. Recently, my parents have been going through our old home videos, because they're converting it to digital files, since the film reels themselves are getting old and worn, so we've been watching them. Anyway, as I was watching myself, I realised although I was happy and oblivious, so many bad things were going on around me, not just around me but to me, and I was not aware of it at the time. Of course, I'm not going to tell you the details of each and every one, nor am I going to tell you what they were, but after thinking things through I've realised, my sadness is due to all of that. It's why I'm pretty much a hermit now.
Another tangent, let's go! I mean, if I think about it, I never go out without a reason, and I always use mom and dad as an excuse to stay home, I'd rather sit here with my laptop and write whatever comes to mind because no one really responds to me. In fact, no one responds to any of my posts, so I'm not really afraid of putting down what I think (except for that one time, but I won't say any more about that). In reality the Internet is my saviour. I can write down everything that's bothering me, and then show it to the people I want to show them to. I mean, it's easier than trying to articulate it out loud. I have time to think about it, I have time to not be irrational (sometimes I can be and I'm willing to admit that, but in general I am rational), and I don't mess up the words I want to say.
It's like Meg says in Hercules "It's better to be alone than to get hurt" and it's true! That quote is literally my motto. I can't stress enough how much that quote applies to me. I'd rather be alone than be judged. When I was looking through those home videos, I found one recurring aspect of me that I really hated, that was my hyperactivity and the fact that my voice was so shrill. I can't do anything about my voice, but I am doing something about that hyperactivity. It's the reason why I get embarrassed easily! I've been embarrassed many times that I literally feel the pain when I or other people get embarrassed. Literally! Even the slightest inclination of embarrassment physically hurts me. Take Friends for example, there are many points in every episode, where I have to run screaming from the room because I can't handle the embarrassment. It's like watching horror films, I have to shut my eyes and block my ears from it! It's unbearable! I am literally afraid of being embarrassed because I know what it feels like to be judged, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THESE EXPERIENCES!
The only time I feel like I'm not being judged is when I'm with my friends (my true friends - the ones that actually make me feel safe to be me, the ones that actually make me feel like I'm not being judged). Although we don't always have everything in common, it's always interesting to hear their stories and share some of my own. When I'm with them I feel like I don't have to keep putting up a front! However, I can't hang out with them as much as I like, because they've all got other things going on, and we don't have ready access to one another, and that's where my loneliness comes in, and my introversion and the fact that I'd rather stay at home.
Basically, all I really want is someone to talk to. Not someone to listen to. You don't know how many times I've felt like a fish out of water because I don't know what to say to the people I'm with. I'm usually the listener, and I never get a word out, because if I do, I know I'll kill the mood, and I don't want that to happen. So I have to keep all this (yes this whole post) bottled up inside. I quite literally have no one to say all this to, and the only way the people I know can understand all this, is through here...THE INTERNET! I mean, there's no normal conversation I can have with them that gets me to open up like this! Most of the time when they do come up, I don't say the words I want to say, so in the end I'm left still bursting at the seams! It's frustrating and heartbreaking, because I can't say it! It's the hardest thing I have to do! In the end I can only hope they read this because it's is my feelings, the ones no one listens to because they'd rather stay away from it. In fact, I end up staying away from it because I don't want to burden them with it, and it's heartbreaking for me because they won't listen.
So yes, this is my message to those of you who actually know me and are reading this thing. I know it's long but I've had these feelings for years, and that's just the simplified version of it! There are so many things in my heart that makes me want to cry, but like every strong person, I grin and bear it, because there's no other way for me to cope. So the next time you see me, or the next time you talk to me, please don't make me feel like I'm being judged, otherwise, you won't get to see the real me, because yes, I've been fronting for all of my conscious life, and I can see no way of ever taking off that mask, unless I feel safe, because frankly, I don't feel safe, at all. Although I seem like an open book, I'm quite closed, and I just need that hand to help me open.
Sorry it's a long one, but hey like I said, this is my therapy, and it's an equivalent to what...thirty minutes? so yeah...
That's it, this is Feather signing out! I'll see you all again soon. God bless!