Friday, 21 November 2014

I Don't Know What To Do

Well, my hiatus is over, and so I should be able to go back to my review blog and my story (because obviously I've already started playing League of Legends), but for some reason, I can't bring myself to do anything. Granted I've been logging onto my account for League of Legends, but that's about all I do. I don't play a single game unless a friend plays with me now...and as for my review blog, Doctor Who won't be coming back until Christmas, and well, I have one more assignment to hand in next week, before I can actually say I can return to my story, but truth be told, I'm dreading having to go back to it.

I'm not sad it's ending, in fact I'm happy that I can finish a story that is actually mine, but what I'm dreading is the happiness at the end. Of course every romance story has to have a happy ending, whether the boy gets the girl, or they have a sense of self-actualisation there is always a happy ending, and when I think that, I look back at my own life, and I find myself...not in the mood for happy endings.

I know I could always have a sad ending, but this story is mainly aimed for women, and you know how we like a good ending (never a cliffhanger - we always want the ending - God knows why, but we do). So I have to give it an ending, and most preferably a happy one, but every time I think about it, I just feel so depleted. Every time my mind goes to my story, shy away, because I haven't had my happy ending, and I don't think I ever will...

Lately I've been re-reading Labyrinth fan-fictions, and that feeling I get after a story is done, the king gets his queen, and everyone lives happily after, just makes me yearn for that happy ending. I long for that king to rescue me. I long for my own Goblin King, and yes, I know people will say philosophical things, but I don't care. You may think I'm longing for that "bad boy" type, but the truth is, the fact that in these fan-fictions, he still goes after her and she loves him back, is the one thing that I want; the one thing that I feel like I deserve.

I'm not saying I do, and I know it's impossible, but the fact that someone could love you, with all your flaws, is the one thing I truly desire. Many of you will probably say "if you want it go out and get it, love won't find you sitting at home and pining away," but that's just it! I have gone out, I have tried.

I've tried to flirt, I've tried to play the coy and shy one, but nothing works! I'm not extroverted, I'm not happy standing there with stranger and "chatting them up" it just makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, and the instant I step out I wish I was home, curled up with my iPad or a good book.

It makes me despair that I am so introverted that I can't even see the light of hope anymore, and as I type this, the most quintessential quote I can think of, from the same movie that has inspired my longing for love, is, "It's not fair!" Yes, you've guessed it, Labyrinth. So long, I've looked at life, knowing it's not fair, but for once, I will say it. It's not fair.

It's not fair that I am sitting here, writing all this out. It's not fair that I have this demon. It's not fair that I keep painting myself as the victim, when really it's just me being dramatic. It's not fair that I always seem to cry about this time and again. It's not fair that everywhere I go I seem to be mocked by couples, by strangers who can speak out to people and by friends who seem to have friendships that could span the ages. It's not fair!

Right now I'm listening to Shatter Me (yes, I know it's been...like...a year...since I've last mentioned this song but screw it! I love it, and it speaks to me) and it makes me want to shatter that glass that surrounds me! If you've seen the music video, you can understand what I'm talking about. I want that someone to make me feel alive, I want to stop living in this half state, where I think I'm living, when really I'm just lost, and lonely and not even living.

I know many of you may feel the same way. I know there are people out there, who feel just like me. So I ask you, WHERE ARE YOU! If you do feel the same way I do, why can't I feel you're presence. You +1 my posts, but I never really know if you're simply +1-ing it because it's a new post, or if you actually agree with it. No one even comments, so I keep thinking that no one really reads this post. It's frustrating and every now and then I am so tempted to delete this blog, because what's the point! What's the point of having this blog, when I don't even know if anyone does read it.

You all probably think I'm pathetic, or insane. Perhaps I am, but that doesn't make anything better. As I said before, I am a rose, surrounded by thorns, because I can't break out. The darkness surround me and I feel like I'm going to suffocate because I don't even have the courage to find the light. I'm slowly dying from the poison that tips every thorn and I have no idea how to cure myself of it! I truly, sincerely, and deeply ask for help!