Well, I've finished the first third of my story to say the least. I'm already on chapter 12 and it is coming along quite nicely. Although I'm still iffy about one thing or other, maybe when I get my reviews I'll be able to clear up some of the mess I've made. When I do eventually post up this story, I hope it does make sense, because the people I've sent the story to kind of have the same mindset as me, so they'll understand, but as for the public...I'm not so sure, so please, when I do post this story up, comment any review that you feel necessary, and I promise I'll edit appropriately.
You know what? I think this story is doing more good than harm. Yes more GOOD than HARM. I think it's because it's actually helping me come to terms with my demons (yes you all know what those are...if you've been reading my posts). Looking back, I was really depressed on Saturday because I saw my cousins with their partners, and I didn't have one. I was so down that I could even function socially, and I demanded my cousin's company, just to vent out my frustrations. However just after we had arranged the details of our outing, I took to my laptop and began writing furiously, as sudden inspiration hit me, I wrote for nearly three chapters straight. When that streak finally ended, I found myself in a bizarre sense of serenity, like the melancholy of the past year just floated away. Granted that happened every time I did feel the sudden dip in mood, but not quite as fulfilling as that one. I actually came to terms with it, and although I know it will be back, and I am still not happy, it doesn't mean I'm completely depressed. Instead I just feel like I don't care anymore, and that whatever everyone else has told me will come true (maybe not any time soon, but one day).
It's also helped me in other ways. You see, I think the reason I've not ever had a boyfriend, or even my first kiss was because I was still holding out for my first crush, which actually ended like three years after I no longer saw him every day, and I found there were much "bigger" and better fish out in the sea. However a small part of me still wanted to see what it would be like if I saw him again, that is, before I started this story. As I wrote the last few chapters that I had been working on last week, I realised, that I would probably never see him again, and most likely not, even in the slightest, ever want to be with him. I've seen bits and pieces of his life, don't get me wrong, I've looked him up on Facebook once or twice, just to see if he had changed or not, and suffice to say I no longer have any feelings towards him. I'd take a look at his picture and say "Really? I fancied that?" and I am relieved, to say the least.
So in the last few days I have, with the help of some oldies music and some venting through song, continued to write my feelings into the story, and now I have let go. I am free, and no longer burdened by the crushing defeat I had when I was but seven years old (that was when I had indirectly confessed my crush and was rejected). I can honestly say I have moved on, and now all I can do and will do is wait for that one person who will honestly make me feel like I am special, like I have a purpose and that I do make him happy.
Anyway that's it for now, this was more of a confession than an update, because well there was really nothing I had going in terms of the update, so this confession would have to suffice. So as always: do with this post what you will and God Bless. ^^
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