To Fear The Loss Of Faith

Hello Everyone,

So this is the continuation of the last post The Story Of A Candle. First off what made me decide to make something like that? Well not only am I in a rut with my own novel, I recently read this article and it made me begin to think:

I was 25 when I had my first kiss. Here's what I learned. 

At first I was tormenting myself over this article, basically feeling sorry for myself, and that’s when my thoughts turned a little darker. I began to think about the “what ifs” in my life, like “what if somewhere along the way, I lose my own faith?” or “what if no one will listen?” Thus “The Story Of A Candle” was born.

There are moments in my life where I realise I’ve been through that situation, where I almost lose faith, but then something amazing happens to restore it. So although my candle is still a little weak, it’s getting stronger. I have been knocked around a bit, in terms of my faith, but I’ve learned that going to church and having my quiet time with God refreshes me, it restores the faith that I have lost.

Ok, so that’s just a little summary of what I’m about to say, but stay with me, it’ll all make sense, that is…if you’ve got a religion you believe in.

So let’s start from the beginning. What you need to know is that I was pretty much raised as a Catholic, my parents went to church every Sunday; I went to Catholic primary and secondary schools, and I took part in all the initiation sacraments of the Catholic Church. Basically, I’ve led a sheltered Catholic lifestyle. That is not to say I’ve not learned a thing or two while I’ve grown up. In my schools we weren’t just dictated the bible and punished as you’d think. We were also taught little bits and pieces of other religions like Buddhism, Islam, Sikhism, Judaism, etc. So I’m not that ignorant, and I am fully aware that each religion have their own traditions and principles that I respect.

Now skip forward to Sixth Form (the equivalent to college or the last few years of high school for some of you), where I’m thinking about university and what I want to do in the future. The idea that I’d be in a world, where people don’t quite understand my views on the world, or the views of the Catholic Church, finally hit me. I would no longer be sheltered as much, by the Catholic Church, or by any sort of spiritual guide, and that thought scared me the most. It didn’t matter if I was going into a new environment. It didn’t matter that I’d finally be in a “co-ed” environment. It didn’t matter that I was going into UNIVERSITY to get a DEGREE. What scared me most was the fact that my own faith would be shaken just because there would be people who do not understand (or like for that matter) the fact that I am a Catholic.

I don’t understand why they hold such animosity for us. I mean I know there are a many deeds in the history of Catholicism that I’m not proud of, but they have to understand that we’re also human, we’re not gods. I’ve used this quote many times before, and I have a feeling I’m going to use it many times more in the future, but I believe everyone needs to remember this:

“Religion is flawed on because man is flawed, all man!”

It is very easy to fault the religion itself because of the people that have influenced it, but at its core, religion is about faith and the belief that there is something more to our lives than simply being on this Earth. I mean, my faith has led me in many of my decisions. For example, my novel, the music I write/arrange/compose, the TV programmes and movies I watch, etc.

My faith has gone so far as to give meaning to everything I do. That is how I came to this subject while reading that article above. I always have to have meaning in everything, even in the names of each character of my novel have meaning. I always put some sort of meaning to whatever I do because without meaning, I don’t think we could function. For example, every movie has a meaning, if not explicit, it’s implicit, words have meaning, even paintings have some sort of meaning. This is why I’m actually glad I’m Catholic. It gives meaning to whatever happens to me.

Anyway, regardless of what has happened to me for the past two years, I am still glad I’m Catholic. I won’t fault others for believing what they believe in. If you don’t believe in a god, or a higher being, that’s up to you. If you think there’s meaning in life, and your purpose will eventually show itself, it’s your choice, but there is one thing you must remember. Do not be too aggressive in your conviction. If you try to convert me, know that I will listen to your point of view, but I will always believe that I will flourish under the Catholic religion. Everyone has their own way of worship; this is mine.

Well, that’s it for now; I know it’s a bit of a rant and a bit long but I hope you understand that it’s something I’ve been wanting to say for a long time. I know I’ve said it before, but I feel like repeating it, because it is not just something that can be put out there and then archived, it’s something that needs to be remembered.

So do with this post what you will, and God Bless! ^^

“Religion is flawed on because man is flawed, all man!”

Miraculous Interventions

Ok so I know things have been weird lately, I've been more vocal yes, but recently I have been feeling very down, I mean very depressed and desperate lately. But don't worry, I'm not going to become the story of agony, actually I wanted to share a few revelations with you. No I don't mean prophecies (that would have been cool) but more of stories that had enhanced my own faith. Oh and I won't be writing in paragraphs, per say,  the paragraphs will be the different stories, so sorry if it looks like bad grammar.

The first story is about a dream I had many years ago, when I was just starting out secondary school (British school system). What happened in the dream? Well...It started with me waiting in a waiting room, with a bunch of other people, I couldn't find my family, but everyone was talking and happy at the same time, and I guessed that they were there somewhere. Suddenly I herded into a line with some other people. When I got to the front (like you would when you're at a queue in a theme park or ordering food at a fast food place) I was faced with a door, and had to way a while, because the person in front of me had just gone in. Suddenly the door opened and I stepped through. On the other side of the door, was a path, on the side of the cliff - like you would have when a road has been carved out on a mountain. Well there wasn't much to it, because only a few feet away, there was a large tree (I can't really remember but I think it was a willow) and under the tree there were two men dressed in white robes. They were just standing there looking at me with smiles on their faces. I smiled back and stood before them. But instead of facing them, I faced the wall to my left. It wasn't high, in fact it stood up to my chest. While I was standing there I suddenly posed, like a waitress, but instead of a tray of food, I held books. Then one of the men standing there suddenly spoke. He said "Vanessa you are now called..." Now I don't even know what he called me because I actually can't remember, it's like I knew what it was in the dream but I couldn't remember it when I woke up. However he continued saying, "This means love and..." again I cannot remember what he said, there have been a few candidates in my mind, intelligence, beauty...But for the life of me I cannot associate them with it. In fact I think the only thing that will spark that memory is if I actually re-enact it out, but I know that won't happen until I die. Well if it does happen, I'll be very glad it did.

The next story is another dream I had, around the same time as the story above. It basically was about the end of the earth. I was sitting at home looking out through the front window, and I looked up at the sky, and a large hole was developing, you could see the stars through it, and I knew something bad was going to happen. While the hole kept growing, it started to rain - from the hole - and everything the rain touched, outside, burned. I ran to my door, to tell the people outside to hurry inside and be safe, but they couldn't hear me, it was like my voice was non-existent. So instead, I ran back inside the house, and gathered my family in front of the window, and told them to pray. When I did, I saw the Earth, in all its entirety in the universe, as if I was no longer part of the story. After a while, it started to change, it's sides stretched. Think of Saturn and it's rings, and imagine the actual planet's sides were stretched to its rings, this is how I saw the Earth. It continued to stay like this for a while, then, like a lava lamp the main body of the earth slowly rose from the ring, and a new Earth was born. This was one of the most surreal experiences I had in all my life, I couldn't understand why I had the dream, or what it meant. But I'm glad I did, because now, looking back at it, it symbolised the change in my world, I was going through major changes during that time, and looking back, I was creating a new world, metaphorically.

Ok so the next story is basically about the Holy Spirit and how it helped me, when I was lost. I was coming back from a birthday party, this happened in like Year 9/10 (again British school system) and my mum and my sister had come to pick me up and we were using the London Overground. It was the first time we'd ever used it, so typically we didn't know what to do. Suddenly two young men came up to us, because they needed to use the ticket machine - they were also getting on the train - they paid for their tickets and in the process showed us how to buy ours. So we did, and when we went to enter the station, I looked around for the two men, because I wanted to thank them for helping us, but I couldn't find them. It was like they had vanished into thin air. Later on my mum told me that she thought they were angels of the Holy Spirit, because on the way over she had experienced something similar, when she was going to pay for parking, she saw a man walking his dog, he told her that she didn't need to pay for the night, and he turned a corner afterwards. She followed him, to thank him, but she couldn't see him, again like he vanished into thin air. I know this can all be explained, like he had probably turned down a different way to where we thought they were going, but in our terms, being a faithful Catholic, these things are acts of God, and his Spirit, and we are blessed to feel and experience them.

Now this last story is the most sobering one I've had, and by sobering, I mean really remember why I'm Catholic. This happened last night/early this morning, if you go by the time. It started with a nightmare I had, and in this nightmare I was with my cousins talking about something, and I looked up. A bloodied girl was on the ceiling, and looking down at us, I screamed and asked it what it wanted, it told me it wanted me to scream until I had blood running out of my orifices, until I died. I woke up straight after this dream really paralysed with fear. I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear I might have the same dream. But I knew I had to go back to sleep. So what I did was because I knew that if I called, He would help me. I prayed, three times, the Lord's prayer, the Hail Mary and the Glory Be. Then I went back to sleep, albeit more fitful than the last. In this dream, I was looking for the author of a book, with my aunt (we think of her more as a cousin than an aunt). When we found this author we asked her a few questions about a book we had read, and she started to quote the bible, and talk about Jesus, then suddenly she said, "I have always loved you and will always love you". Then suddenly all I could see was this woman, she was looking straight at me, as in my soul, and as clear as day she said, "This body is not yours. Leave." That was when I woke up. I could feel my body and everything around me, but I couldn't move. I was literally paralysed, because I could feel the crushing weight of something on me, not exactly on me, but inside of me, I felt crushed, I couldn't function, then I remembered her last words and like a mantra I kept saying in my head, well I think I kept saying it, I actually didn't really say it. And slowly the weight was starting to lift, so I actually said the words, "This body is not yours, leave" and suddenly I was free, I felt so relieved, and joyful that I started to cry. After a while, I did pray the rosary, the Glorious Mysteries. I'll never forget this experience, it was one of the most scariest I've ever had, and one of the most uplifting, because for the past few weeks I had been feeling lonely and depressed, and it felt like I couldn't find a way to feel happy about anything. But this incident, I knew, no matter how lonely I got, I would always have God to help me.

So yes, all these things really did happen, and I know there may be scientific explanations, but I don't really want to hear them, because in my opinion they helped me remember my faith, and yes they may be controversial, but I'd like them to inspire people, not crush their dreams. I know I sound like a preacher, but I'm not, I'm just a young girl trying to find my purpose in life, and for now, this is all I can do, tell you of what I've experienced and hope you can learn from them. Not all things are bad, if you do the best you can to live in the light, you will see the wonders of God, whether it's the Christian God you worship, the Islamic, the Jewish, or any other religion, no matter what you believe in, there is always one Almighty God and He/She is one and the same. There should really be no barriers. It's just culture and men that tell us what to believe. To quote the movie Angels & Demons, "religion is flawed, because all men are flawed."