Well, from a great and inspiring post, we have a depressing one. I'm sorry, but it seems my mood swings have taken a turn for the worst. Although I said that my melancholy had worn off, that was a temporary thing. Turns out, it goes much deeper than I had anticipated.
Yes, I am still mourning the fact that I am single, but don't get me wrong. I don't mind it. But when I am with others, and I look at their Facebook pages, and any news I get about them, I tend to find them all in a relationship. In the end I find myself wondering why I have never been able to catch a break. And even though I have told others time and again, that I have never, NEVER, had a boyfriend they don't believe me, and that hurts me more than anything.
While it's a compliment, it is still a reminder that I have never had anyone to fall in love with, or even anyone who fell in love with me. Granted I've been in an all girls Catholic school, and I have had very little encounters with men. However, through the internet, and other media platforms, I experience relationships indirectly, and continue to dream of the perfect man. Of course there's no such thing, but that doesn't mean that my perfect man is perfect either. Like I said, I want the Goblin King in my life. But I know that's never going to happen.
Today, I met with an old friend (a boy by the way), who used to go to my primary school. We had fun, just hanging out, as friends. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, we just hang out, talking about the past, how we were today, and what has been going on in our lives. But, as we were talking, I was very aware of the fact that he had already had a few girlfriends in his past, whilst I had no boyfriend, not even one. And that thought brought me down to my lowest. At the time, I didn't want to say anything, and I just wanted to focus on having fun, reminiscing with him. But now that I'm alone, I have had time to dwell on the subject, and I truly feel alone.
It is true, what they say, "those with the brightest smile, are the most hurt." While I admit I do like my smile, and I do get complimented because of it, I understand this saying. I truly am hurt, while the injuries have been inflicted on me indirectly, I am hurt. By this, I mean watching relationships build up and break down, and still being on the fringes of them.
Like I said, I have never been in a relationship, but I have seen them, and have been the comforter, but I cannot be the strength of my friends, when I myself have not experienced the hardship of a break-up. The same can be said for my friendship with others.
I do have friends, but I still feel distant to them. I thought that in university I would have friends that would constantly ask me to go out with them, but that hasn't been the case. The reason being is that I live at home, and nearly everyone lives in accommodation. The fact that I'm completely out of the loop, in terms of this tradition, is what hurts me most. I cannot fully take part in their lives, and that cuts me deeply, as deeply as the fact that I have never had someone to love (in that way).
Now you can understand why I don't have anymore confidence in myself. I know I should not be dwelling on these thoughts, and emotions, and that I should get over myself and move on, but I have been told to do that many times, and I have been doing that for pretty much most of my life, but my mind will always go here and it will never stop, until I truly feel loved.
I know some of you will tell me that it's not worth it, having a relationship, but I will never know until I actually have had one. And even if you describe it to me, I will never understand, and fully agree with you, because I have never been directly hurt as bad as you. And although you may say ignorance is bliss, there is another saying which is constant in my case, "the better the devil you know, than the devil you don't." I'd rather experience the hurt and pain of heartbreak, rather than dream about it, and never have had it.
I will leave this post here for now, and give it to you, to do as you wish, as always. And my last request is for your prayers, that one day I may be able to pick myself up and dust myself off, and move on. And I do pray that God bless you, and keep you close to Him, as he does to me. I may not feel his presence sometimes, but I do know he is always there helping me, even in my darkest hours.
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