Stressing Out And Spiritual Reflections

Right well, first off, I'm currently in the middle of reviewing my fourth draft for my story, in which the first five chapters are all ready and just need a few tweaking. It'll be up soon! I promise! Second, it's October (the perfect time for mystical, magical things to happen - although it's highly impossible for things to happen to me), and the LEAGUE OF LEGENDS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP tournament is playing throughout the weekend, so get ready for LEAGUE OF LEGENDS SPAMS!!!!  Third I'll be getting a job soon! Actually it's my sister's old job, so I know what sort of things she goes through...most of the time, so expect rants on customers (*secret evil chuckle*). And finally, MY LAST YEAR AT UNIVERSITY IS ALREADY UNDERWAY!!!!!

Ok, so let's start with the story. So over the last few months, I've actually gone into detail about the background of this strange world. In this first novel (Which is taking forever to complete, thanks to both my own obsessive need for sense and the fact that I like it to be perfect) we're walking in the north of the concerned world (I've even drawn a rough map!) and I'm actually creating floor plans of the palaces and homes that my characters step into. It's going to take a while to finish, but at least I know where they're going to go. Anyway, so the main thing I want to speak about for this is that I can actually compare myself to my characters...well at least the main heroines. Basically...if you haven't already guessed, there are Seven...sort of...godlike characters. Basically think of the archangels like Michael, Gabriel, etc, but they're magical. They're not warriors but more like peacekeepers.

Of course, many people think that "peacekeepers" are passive people, they tend to want everyone to love each other, and good to reign and blah, blah, blah. The Great Seven, as they're called, aren't exactly like that. I mean sure they try to stop anyone from fighting, but they know it's never going to happen, since free will means that selfish acts have to happen. However, they will do their best to stop these selfish acts for spiralling out of control. So when their "brothers" decide to take over and force people to do the things they want, they decide to fight back. And when they do get things back on track they just watch over the people that walk their worlds. Oh and because I'm trying to keep things as "scientifically" plausible as possible (like that's not a tongue twister) their worlds, like Earth, will have their natural disasters, which these beings control, if only to test their people and their faith in them. So yeah, that's my definition of "peacekeepers". The Great Seven obviously need to keep the balance. If there is no act of selfishness or evil, then no one will really know what good is. So that's what The Great Seven do to ensure their subjects remember why they try to strive for goodness.

So yeah, that's how they are, roughly, I will be putting up the full detailed background information of the novel(s) up prior to the first novel, so that you guys get a taste of what's going on before you actually read it/them. Anyway, that's what the Great Seven are, and what they do. As for the reason why I compare myself to them, it's because I've realised that I've based them on the seven virtues. They're basically the embodiments of each virtue:

• Earth - Kindness
• Water - Diligence
• Fire - Patience
• Air - Temperance
• Light - Charity
• Night - Chastity
• Fate/Destiny - Humility

I also based their trials on the Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit (which are explained by the Catechism of the Catholic Church):

• Earth - Knowledge
• Water - Piety
• Fire - Courage
• Air - Counsel (Right Judgement)
• Light - Understanding
• Night - Fear of God (Wonder/Awe)
• Fate/Destiny - Wisdom

Again, I'll explain the reasons for this in the background when I upload it later. As for now, you guys can debate about it amongst yourselves. So yeah, as I was researching about all this, I started comparing my own experiences and reactions to the world to these virtues and gifts, and I've noticed, I basically dip into each one, but I don't fully associate with any of them. It's rather disturbing how little I can associate with them, and I've found myself trying to better myself so that I can actually say, I'm not a bad person. I've realised, as I ponder what I need to do to be better, that it's very easy to fall into the trap of being a "bad" person. I mean sometimes, as I've probably already said, I can literally feel how fragile my body is, like I know that if one wrong moment of exposure could easily destroy my body. It's the same here with my spirituality. I can feel the knife's edge I'm balancing on. I could easily tip one way or the other, and it's rather scary how think this ledge is. Is it just me or does anyone else feel like that too? So yeah, that's the "Spiritual Reflections" part of this post (which I realise now how long it will be).

Now on to the next parts!

Warning! LEAGUE OF LEGENDS SPAM ABOUT TO START! Warning!

As I've said, the League of Legends World Championships are currently on and were' currently into our second week of the Group Stages!!! OMG! I REALLY AM LOVING THIS! I know this championship is going to be oh so woefully one sided, but hey, these people are veterans and they are good at what they do. So what's going on so far? Basically, two groups (out of the four) have two clear winners. First off, in Group A, both Flash Wolves and KOO Tigers have qualified for the Quarterfinals (here in London!) with 4-2 each. In Group C SKT T1 are the clearcut winners with 6-0, with EDG (Edward Gaming) running up at 4-2 (So far). Of course the other two groups can be easily predicted.

Right now, my predictions are, for Group D (who'll be playing tomorrow), Origen and KT Rolster will be qualifying for the Quarterfinals, and for Group B, Cloud 9 and either Invictus Gaming or Fnatic will be their qualifiers. So those are my predictions, but they can change throughout the course of the next two days, since their matches are on during the weekend. If you want to see the progress of my mentality then follow me on Twitter: Vanessa Rocha. 

Anyway, preceding the Worlds Championship...this has been long in the making, but as you all know I play League of Legends with a few of my film production buddies. Well, over the summer we've decided to actually set up a YouTube channel of our own (yes there are many who've already established their names in gaming and whatnots) but this channel will be very different. Yes we'll have VODS of our games and gameplay, but we're not going to put our film production skills to waste. We're also going to add actual short films and series (that have been made) with our filming expertise, but that's going to be way into the future, when we have a solid idea for our channel.

So yes, I have been a busy girl over the summer. THANK YOU DEPRESSION! As you all know I've had my major ups and downs during the summer, so in my need to not get so down, I've kept myself busy! It's something to help me cope. I acknowledge how down I can get, but I don't want it to ruin my life so I keep busy!

But yes. We'll be uploading our first videos soon, so look out for the new content. I'll be posting them up on my "official" website and here soon. SO WATCH OUT!!!

Back to our regular scheduled programming...

Alright so that's done, let's talk about this new job. So basically for a long time I've been trying to get a job, albeit half-heartedly, because I'm already in university, and in my last year, so I really need to start taking responsibility. Originally I was going to try to find something related to media or film, but because most of that need experience, which I woefully lack, I've resorted into trying to find whatever  job I can get. But thankfully, my sister has helped me get my foot in the door. So, some perspective. She currently works at Ryman (a stationary store here in London) and because she's gotten tired of her work, plus she's going back to uni (and her course is a bitch!), she's quitting. But because the store she works for is woefully understaffed, she's suggested me as her replacement. So...I'VE GOT A JOB!!! Granted I have to go in for an interview early tomorrow, but it's just formality because her manager really does need people to help out, so I'm guaranteed to get the job!

And finally, for the main part of this post...I am in my last year of university, it started around three weeks ago...AND I'M ALREADY FREAKING OUT!!!! I have so many assignments to complete! Ok, so here's what I have to do:

• A Script Analysis
• A Treatment for said analysis
• A Storyboard
• A Storyboard Edit (with Voiceover, SFX and Music)
• A PowerPoint Presentation about a social issue surround film representation
• A Treatment and 15 pages for my own 50minute script

And for some of them I will need to include a critical analysis...just to show my own reflection on what I did...I CAN'T DO THIS!!!

First off, the first four are for one module...You know how when you think film production, you immediately turn to "director"...well that was me before I took up this degree. I thought that maybe, if I was ambitious enough, I'd be able to call myself a director...but I am so naive! That path is definitely not for me, and this module proves it!!! I can not be a director, because I don't like the idea of having that power and responsibility! It's too much work for me! I know there are many women out there who think "No you can do this! We are women, make us proud!"...Yeah, I'm all for that...But my own personality is not the type that will withstand that pressure!

The PowerPoint Presentation is another thing I hate! I really hate standing in front of an audience and speaking! I hate it! I hate it with a passion!!! I had hoped that I wouldn't have to do it, but no! IT'S AN ACTUAL ASSIGNMENT!!!! Just kill me now!

As for the last one, I'm good with that, I actually don't mind. I'm already almost done with the treatment, and I'll be soon starting on the 15 pages. I'm glad I chose this option of the Project module. That, I'm happy about. But still, it's a lot of pressure! I've got a lot of writing, rehearsing, and socialising I need to do. I mean I have like 3 more weeks before things start to need to be handed in and it's so stressful!!! I really need to buckle down and work soon. It's going to be a lot of work!!! I HATE THIS SEMESTER!!!! SOMEONE KILL ME! ><

Anyway, that's it (sorry for the long post) and I'll see you all next time. As always, do with this post what you will! This is FeatherCharm, signing out! God Bless!

Phantom Therapists and Fanciful Daydreams

Hello everyone!

It's been a while, namely because I'm working on my story, I've been editing and re-editing it, it's almost unrecognisable. Anyway, the point of this post is my personal therapy. No I'm not seeing a therapist (although I really should) but I somehow I found something really revealing about myself.

Alright so here goes my revelation. First I started talking about why I love Labyrinth, and the truth is, I really don't know why. I mean the acting was bad (granted Connolly was only a child - STILL LOVE YOU JEN!) and the puppetry was really creepy, not to mention there really was no point in the whole song and dance numbers they randomly put into the film, but there was something about it that I really love. That something was the romance, the meanings and the silent puzzles you had to piece together to see the picture. For example, the constant reminder that "things are not always what they seem" is a profound message, one that applies to all aspects of life, like the fact that when I smile, it's to cover my sadness. I really am sad, for reasons unbeknownst to me I am sad.

And here we go on that tangent. Recently, my parents have been going through our old home videos, because they're converting it to digital files, since the film reels themselves are getting old and worn, so we've been watching them. Anyway, as I was watching myself, I realised although I was happy and oblivious, so many bad things were going on around me, not just around me but to me, and I was not aware of it at the time. Of course, I'm not going to tell you the details of each and every one, nor am I going to tell you what they were, but after thinking things through I've realised, my sadness is due to all of that. It's why I'm pretty much a hermit now. 

Another tangent, let's go! I mean, if I think about it, I never go out without a reason, and I always use mom and dad as an excuse to stay home, I'd rather sit here with my laptop and write whatever comes to mind because no one really responds to me. In fact, no one responds to any of my posts, so I'm not really afraid of putting down what I think (except for that one time, but I won't say any more about that). In reality the Internet is my saviour. I can write down everything that's bothering me, and then show it to the people I want to show them to. I mean, it's easier than trying to articulate it out loud. I have time to think about it, I have time to not be irrational (sometimes I can be and I'm willing to admit that, but in general I am rational), and I don't mess up the words I want to say.

It's like Meg says in Hercules "It's better to be alone than to get hurt" and it's true! That quote is literally my motto. I can't stress enough how much that quote applies to me. I'd rather be alone than be judged. When I was looking through those home videos, I found one recurring aspect of me that I really hated, that was my hyperactivity and the fact that my voice was so shrill. I can't do anything about my voice, but I am doing something about that hyperactivity. It's the reason why I get embarrassed easily! I've been embarrassed many times that I literally feel the pain when I or other people get embarrassed. Literally! Even the slightest inclination of embarrassment physically hurts me. Take Friends for example, there are many points in every episode, where I have to run screaming from the room because I can't handle the embarrassment. It's like watching horror films, I have to shut my eyes and block my ears from it! It's unbearable! I am literally afraid of being embarrassed because I know what it feels like to be judged, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THESE EXPERIENCES!

The only time I feel like I'm not being judged is when I'm with my friends (my true friends - the ones that actually make me feel safe to be me, the ones that actually make me feel like I'm not being judged). Although we don't always have everything in common, it's always interesting to hear their stories and share some of my own. When I'm with them I feel like I don't have to keep putting up a front! However, I can't hang out with them as much as I like, because they've all got other things going on, and we don't have ready access to one another, and that's where my loneliness comes in, and my introversion and the fact that I'd rather stay at home.

Basically, all I really want is someone to talk to. Not someone to listen to. You don't know how many times I've felt like a fish out of water because I don't know what to say to the people I'm with. I'm usually the listener, and I never get a word out, because if I do, I know I'll kill the mood, and I don't want that to happen. So I have to keep all this (yes this whole post) bottled up inside. I quite literally have no one to say all this to, and the only way the people I know can understand all this, is through here...THE INTERNET! I mean, there's no normal conversation I can have with them that gets me to open up like this! Most of the time when they do come up, I don't say the words I want to say, so in the end I'm left still bursting at the seams! It's frustrating and heartbreaking, because I can't say it! It's the hardest thing I have to do! In the end I can only hope they read this because it's is my feelings, the ones no one listens to because they'd rather stay away from it. In fact, I end up staying away from it because I don't want to burden them with it, and it's heartbreaking for me because they won't listen.

So yes, this is my message to those of you who actually know me and are reading this thing. I know it's long but I've had these feelings for years, and that's just the simplified version of it! There are so many things in my heart that makes me want to cry, but like every strong person, I grin and bear it, because there's no other way for me to cope. So the next time you see me, or the next time you talk to me, please don't make me feel like I'm being judged, otherwise, you won't get to see the real me, because yes, I've been fronting for all of my conscious life, and I can see no way of ever taking off that mask, unless I feel safe, because frankly, I don't feel safe, at all. Although I seem like an open book, I'm quite closed, and I just need that hand to help me open.

Sorry it's a long one, but hey like I said, this is my therapy, and it's an equivalent to what...thirty minutes? so yeah...

That's it, this is Feather signing out! I'll see you all again soon. God bless!

The Bane of Technology

Ok, so here's a new rant. Basically I pretty much virtually live on my laptop (which is a Macbook Pro - I have a love/hate relationship with it). Now with my current lifestyle, I can readily access everything on my laptop, except when it gets all funny with me and decides not to work for me anymore. Today (which is Sunday 19th July 2015) I encountered so many problems with my Macbook that I had had enough and decided to restore its factory settings.

It's a pain, I know, but it worked. The issue that I was mainly encountering was resolved and now I can use the Macbook in peace...however, that's not half the problem. After resetting everything, and re-downloading all the applications and documents I once owned, I had problems with the hard drive I saved all my files on...you see, I needed to log onto a certain app to gain access to the sheet music I'd been working on (yes you'll be hearing more from me soon), and all my passwords had been saved onto that hard drive. Unfortunately my Macbook froze on me so I had to restart EVERYTHING, but that's not the problem. You see when I restarted everything, I guess during that process the hard drive said "You know what, screw it. I'm gonna screw you over, because I am too old for this s**t" (I don't swear), and all the documents, spreadsheets and basically anything to do with everything in my virtual life was ERASED! Granted I could have tried to get them back, but they were in code or something - I had to open up terminal to reset the programmes and whatnots but I'm not that computer savvy to figure it out. Anyway, so I had to basically delete the mumbo jumbo that my hard drive threw in my face, and pretty much re-create everything. Now because it's late (when I wrote this post) and my dad's using the main computer, I can't really re-download everything, so I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF A PAIN THAT IS!!!

Oh and I forgot to mention, because I restarted my Mac, I had to re-download the Microsoft Office programmes I once had on it. The only problem is it needs a product activation key to actually activate it. Now that's not the only problem I had, you see the product key I have is apparently "not valid" and I scoured the Microsoft website only to find that the reason why it's not valid is because the servers are down...well isn't that peachy...WHAT THE F**K IS THIS!!!! I need my Microsoft Word, Excel and whatever else I use to get this blog going!!! I am so not in the mood for this! No Microsoft, get your S**T together and let me use your products! I paid good money for it! I am not about to let you ruin the one constant in my electronic life just because you lot couldn't keep your cool!

Ugh...besides that...I finally have Final Cut Pro up and working again, and not using up the entire space of my Mac's flash drive (no thank you Apple), and now I can work on this second video that I've been trying to get done for the past week. I think I've found out the best way to record this video, because there is no way I'm going through 4 hours of making a house only to find the recordings incompatible with Final Cut Pro/Sony Vegas. All of this mechanical malfunction is giving me a migraine! so that's it...I'm not going to say any more, because if I do, I probably will end up a sobbing mess wondering what I'm going to do with my life.

So in ol' Feather Charm style. This is Feather Charm signing out!

Feather's Music Track 6 - Father I Place Into Your Hands

I just realised, I could easily post up the same songs and stuff here so, yeah...for those who don't want to see Feather's Charm here's the post for the "newest" song I've written:

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while since I checked up on my Music! The truth is I’ve been so backlogged with other stuff; I’ve not had time to release all the new songs I’ve been working on. So this next one is a hymn. I’ve been working on it for some time, and now’s a good time to release it. Although I think I could have done better, I still like it, and maybe in the future I’ll release a new version.

Ok, so what’s the reason behind this one? Well, at first it was challenge for me. You see, I got so used to listening to it being played and sung badly that I just can’t see any way to redeem it. However, I did the best I could, so please welcome, “Father I Place Into Your Hands”. Ok, so the second reason why I’m uploading this, instead of the one for my video (You’ll know if you’ve seen A Modern Bungalow), is because I’ve just gone through a really rough lesson. I’m currently still in the process of reflecting and learning from this lesson and I felt the need to remind myself, it’s not about me. It’s what God wants to do for me. I’m sure, with his guidance I’ll get through this without hurting any more people than I already have. Plus, as I was trying to drag myself out of the muddy pit I’d fallen into, I read a picture post on Facebook that pretty much told me to always thank God, no matter what.

I know he’s helped me through this, in the advice I’d received upon seeking it, and I am grateful he’s chosen to help me in that way. So, regardless of whether or not this hymn is what I’d like it to be, I know he’ll forgive me for my shortcomings, and his infinite grace will make it even better.

So without further ado, here is “Father I Place Into Your Hands”.

Father I Place Into Your Hands - SoundCloud

If you want to check out the sheet music, that made this piece, click here:

Father I Place Into Your Hands

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Lyrics by Jenny Hewer

Father I place into your hands,

the things I cannot do,

Father I place into your hands,

the things that I've been through,

Father I place into your hands,

the way that I should go,

For I know I always can trust you

V

Father I place into your hands,

my friends and family,

Father I place into your hands,

the things that trouble me,

Father I place into your hands,

the person I would be,

For I know, I always can trust you.

V

Father, we love to see your face,

we love to hear your voice,

Father, we love to sing your praise,

and in your name rejoice,

Father, we love to walk with you,

and in your presence rest,

For we know, we always can trust you.

V

Father I want to be with you,

and do the things you do,

Father I want to speak the words,

that you are speaking too,

Father I want to love the ones,

that you will draw to you,

For I know that I am one with you.

So what do you think? Let me know in the comments below, and I'll see you next week with another arrangement.

I Am Tired Of Being Backwards

Ok, so hey! No I'm not a different person, I just wanted everything to be in one place so I don't have to keep logging out and logging back in again, just to write these posts and be on blogger at the same time. This is still Feather Charm, but on a different account so yeah...

Anyway, what is this thing about? Well, I've just recently discovered I'm pretty much backwards, because I'm not really keeping up with everything. I mean, I haven't been on League of Legends for a while, why? Because I keep travelling and working on my blog, I don't have enough time to just play! I know it's all my fault really, but the thing is, I'd rather be out of tune with the world and be in tune with me. There are a lot of things happening in my life: my cousin's graduation, the upcoming League of Legends World Championship Series (that's happening in September...I think...the reason why it's in my life is because I want to watch it), and my last year of university is coming up soon too. I have so many things that's going on, I don't know where to look...so what do I do? I immerse myself in my blog and website, because it's the only way I can cope.

I'm not joking, most of my days now are spent just editing posts, making pages and making new content for the website. I know I should really take it easy but there's just no way I can, because I'd rather get the views on there. I'd really like to have some sort of base going, I mean, I do have quite a bit of stuff on there anyway, but I just don't seem to be getting the views I want, I know I should promote it, but I have no money and the job I do have only pays for travel expenses and I use that money to buy essential stuff I do use! Oh and get this, if I want to buy something online, I have to ask my mother first! There's just nothing I can really do! I have to just rely on the fact that someone in my circle will actually see them and promote it for me...but I know that's not going to happen, because who would want to see a blog/website made by a busybody like me?

Not to mention I have several YouTube channels that I'm going to be linked with (because one's for my website, and the other is a a joint venture), so I'm going to have to promote them...is it just too much to ask for people to look! I don't have much in terms of social skills, but when it comes to being online and getting my opinions out there, I feel a lot safer. However, just like in real life, I'm still being ignored! Maybe I'm thinking too much about this...yes I am thinking too much about this, but the truth is I really just want some recognition! No one really listens to me (except the one person who actually does), the people I try to help, don't even notice that I am doing my best to help them, and I just feel like a hermit because people don't understand that I too need some love! I mean, yes, I get love from my family (immediate family, that is), but from anywhere else? Nope! I mean even here, no one really comments, nor on my website (which I have linked to on this blog), I've no real support on this platform, and it's been what, four, five years? Since I started this blog? I'm just getting so tired of being lonely!

Do you know why I started this blog? I started because a few of my friends had introduced me to blogger, I thought, it's a good way to get opinions out there, so why not try it. Initially it was just meant to be for things like...I don't know...pictures I tried to make on Photoshop (which didn't quite work out), then I tried to make stories, but because I gave up on them, I didn't finish. Now I only use it to simply shout and rant, and pretty much let out the frustration and anger I feel, not just at others, but at myself too. I mean I pretty much just bad-mouth myself here day in and day out, because I don't have confidence in myself. I don't have that reassurance that everything is ok.

And although I have my faith to fall back on, I just feel like it's an excuse, just to say to God, do whatever you want with me, I'm done. I mean, yes I'm trying to do His work, to carry out his mission, but I just feel like no one is really listening. It's like this...I do something, I find it difficult and I get through it, with His help. When I get out at the other end, I look back just to see if anything really happened. I mean, I've built the path, but no one seems to want to take it and join me on the other side, and I look to him and ask, but I just find myself alone, and wondering if I should go back down that path just to ask him, but I keep hearing him telling me to go forward.

Ugh...ok so while I was writing that, I realised, I just gave myself the answer, and that was an example of that anecdote, and once I publish this post, I'm going to keep refreshing my stats page just to see if anyone actually reads this stuff, and I know I'll be getting loads of views, but no one will really comment. I know that. So whatever.

This is Feather Charm, signing off.