I Am Tired Of Being Backwards

Ok, so hey! No I'm not a different person, I just wanted everything to be in one place so I don't have to keep logging out and logging back in again, just to write these posts and be on blogger at the same time. This is still Feather Charm, but on a different account so yeah...

Anyway, what is this thing about? Well, I've just recently discovered I'm pretty much backwards, because I'm not really keeping up with everything. I mean, I haven't been on League of Legends for a while, why? Because I keep travelling and working on my blog, I don't have enough time to just play! I know it's all my fault really, but the thing is, I'd rather be out of tune with the world and be in tune with me. There are a lot of things happening in my life: my cousin's graduation, the upcoming League of Legends World Championship Series (that's happening in September...I think...the reason why it's in my life is because I want to watch it), and my last year of university is coming up soon too. I have so many things that's going on, I don't know where to look...so what do I do? I immerse myself in my blog and website, because it's the only way I can cope.

I'm not joking, most of my days now are spent just editing posts, making pages and making new content for the website. I know I should really take it easy but there's just no way I can, because I'd rather get the views on there. I'd really like to have some sort of base going, I mean, I do have quite a bit of stuff on there anyway, but I just don't seem to be getting the views I want, I know I should promote it, but I have no money and the job I do have only pays for travel expenses and I use that money to buy essential stuff I do use! Oh and get this, if I want to buy something online, I have to ask my mother first! There's just nothing I can really do! I have to just rely on the fact that someone in my circle will actually see them and promote it for me...but I know that's not going to happen, because who would want to see a blog/website made by a busybody like me?

Not to mention I have several YouTube channels that I'm going to be linked with (because one's for my website, and the other is a a joint venture), so I'm going to have to promote them...is it just too much to ask for people to look! I don't have much in terms of social skills, but when it comes to being online and getting my opinions out there, I feel a lot safer. However, just like in real life, I'm still being ignored! Maybe I'm thinking too much about this...yes I am thinking too much about this, but the truth is I really just want some recognition! No one really listens to me (except the one person who actually does), the people I try to help, don't even notice that I am doing my best to help them, and I just feel like a hermit because people don't understand that I too need some love! I mean, yes, I get love from my family (immediate family, that is), but from anywhere else? Nope! I mean even here, no one really comments, nor on my website (which I have linked to on this blog), I've no real support on this platform, and it's been what, four, five years? Since I started this blog? I'm just getting so tired of being lonely!

Do you know why I started this blog? I started because a few of my friends had introduced me to blogger, I thought, it's a good way to get opinions out there, so why not try it. Initially it was just meant to be for things like...I don't know...pictures I tried to make on Photoshop (which didn't quite work out), then I tried to make stories, but because I gave up on them, I didn't finish. Now I only use it to simply shout and rant, and pretty much let out the frustration and anger I feel, not just at others, but at myself too. I mean I pretty much just bad-mouth myself here day in and day out, because I don't have confidence in myself. I don't have that reassurance that everything is ok.

And although I have my faith to fall back on, I just feel like it's an excuse, just to say to God, do whatever you want with me, I'm done. I mean, yes I'm trying to do His work, to carry out his mission, but I just feel like no one is really listening. It's like this...I do something, I find it difficult and I get through it, with His help. When I get out at the other end, I look back just to see if anything really happened. I mean, I've built the path, but no one seems to want to take it and join me on the other side, and I look to him and ask, but I just find myself alone, and wondering if I should go back down that path just to ask him, but I keep hearing him telling me to go forward.

Ugh...ok so while I was writing that, I realised, I just gave myself the answer, and that was an example of that anecdote, and once I publish this post, I'm going to keep refreshing my stats page just to see if anyone actually reads this stuff, and I know I'll be getting loads of views, but no one will really comment. I know that. So whatever.

This is Feather Charm, signing off.

The Music Corner Episode 5 - Here I Am Lord

Hello Everyone,

As promised another arrangement here for The Music Corner on Monday, to help you through the week. Ok, so unlike the previous two episodes, which were original pieces, this is another arrangement of a hymn. This one is my absolute favourite because it holds dear memories in my heart. It’s called Here I Am Lord.

So he reasons why I love this hymn is because I once was asked to participate in a liturgy. My part was to “dance” for…you guessed it…THIS HYMN! ‘Course this was when I was a kid (around 7 or 8 at the time) and something like this was a huge deal for me! For someone like me, being chosen to be a part of liturgies and masses was awesome! It meant that I would no longer just be a part of the crowd; my voice could be heard! For someone like me, it was a relief to know someone was finally listening!

Needless to say, I felt blessed from that moment on, and because of it I joined the school choir where I felt closer to God through the songs we sang. Of course, not all the songs were hymns, we sang other stuff, but that moment stuck with me and that’s why this hymn is my all-time favourite.

However, I was quite reluctant to make an arrangement for something like this. Although I love this hymn, there were times when it was sung in my parish, and it was deathly slow. Not to mention, they would have a drumbeat going on behind it, which took the majesty out of it. So, not only do I have some great memories of it, I also had some not-so-great memories too, but I can’t fault them, I guess they did it because they thought people couldn’t sing to it if it were faster.

Oh and if you want to check out the WordPress page, where I've also uploaded the score, and the ScoreCloud version (no I did not spell SoundCloud wrong) then click here.

Well, anyway here’s the piece. I hope you like it just as much as I do. 

Here I Am Lord - SoundCloud

As always tell me what you think in the comments below, and I’ll see you all soon! As always, do with this post what you will, and God Bless. ^^

Why Am I So Tired?

It's fine! I'm not ill or anything, I've just been on my feet all day, and yes, I know why I'm tired. It's just...I feel not just physically but mentally and emotionally drained!

Today is my workshop for TV Studio Production. Don't get me wrong! I love it! In fact I hope, one day I get to work on a TV Studio set, because it's awesome! But...it's literally draining! All the meetings, all the discussions, and arguments! It does take a toll. Thankfully I'm not director and I'm not directly in charge of everything. I mean...I am...it's just I'm not the one that makes the big decisions like what shots to use, or where to put things. I just keep everyone organised, make sure the director gets what he wants...needs...and the production goes smoothly. That in itself is exhausting!

I mean, I have to follow the director wherever he goes, and keep up to date with his decisions. I have to make sure every team knows what they're doing, and I have to make sure they give in their reports and lists, so that we have a foundation for the work. UGH!

So tiring. Even now as I write this, I'm still on my toes, trying to make sure we can still have a rehearsal for Monday! But I can't complain, it's all part of the job right?

Anyway, here's the update for the story:

So far I've finished four chapters and the prologue. I'm proof reading it now, so I don't make any mistakes later on. I've got my reviewers on the job and it's going well (FINALLY they're communicating!), plus with my chapter a day motto, I'll probably be done with this draft by the end of March or April...depending on whether or not I can stick to my own deadline.

Now that's done! I'll just post up a picture I found on the internet, as inspiration. This is actually my inspiration for one of the scenes in my story, it's right at the beginning, and when you read it, you'll understand why:

As always the link to the origins of the picture is on the picture itself.

And so I end with a metaphor I read in Of Dreams and Broken Things (not sure if it's the original place it came from, but it's where I read it):

"Men will fight for power, but men will die for love."

Do with this post what you will, and God Bless. ^^

I Am Not Fine

So recently I discovered I am not fine (as the title says). Apparently I have a dark side that's holding me back from whatever I should really be doing, that is according to my lecturer. I actually listen to him, because he's actually very observant with these things, because, as a screenwriter he knows a bit about psychology, and my psychology is somewhat messed up, in his opinion.

Well, that explains the unexpected depression...actually, it's not unexpected, it's been going on since...well, since this course started...I'm not entirely sure why, but since September, my mood's gone from ok to "I can't be bothered anymore" and I don't mean that for just university or work...I mean it with everything. For example, I've recently returned to my most favourite game League of Legends (which in my opinion is one of the greatest games I've ever played!) and it's been two months...but in the last few weeks I can't be bothered to play...I log on and I just don't want to play a game, bot or PVP. It's not that I'm tired of the game, far from it. I'm actually just not in the mood to do anything...not even watch YouTube videos...I mean, I watch the new vlogs from the channels I'm subscribed to, but that's pretty much it. Then I go off and read fan-fiction, but not just any fan-fiction. I read the fan-fictions that I've learned to love over the last 3 years, namely Of Dreams and Broken Things; What's Past is Prologue; The End of Days and Dreams, Wishes and Plain Brown Wrapper. All of these fan-fictions, as you can guess are all based on Labyrinth.

As I read these fan-fictions, I find myself wanting to be Sarah, more and more, and I find myself thinking a bit like these versions of her, especially when it comes to feeling like I don't belong in this world, and I really should be somewhere else, like another world or another time or universe...I guess, I'll not be alone in that department...but nevertheless, I do feel quite alone, in the place I'm in, because as we all know INFJ's are very hard to come by, in the real world...

Anyway, that's what I've discovered is the root of my problem - the fact I had a dark side and didn't know it...but what caused this dark side you ask? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNOW! I've been trying to ask myself that very question ever since I knew I was (mildly) depressed. I put it down to my childhood bullies, and whatnots, but to be honest, I don't really think it's them...I mean they're a major factor, don't get me wrong, but they're not the only things that have caused this and I may just be over-thinking this, but I do think there is more to my dark side than past bullies.

So yes, it's a rant, but it's probably good for me, because I get it off my chest, and maybe I can breathe better, but who knows...

I Am A Horrible Person...

And I should just live in a hole somewhere, so no one can get hurt by me.

A few days ago I wrote a blog post that basically ranted on about university. While, yes it was uncalled for, and childish in some people's eyes. It was my way of just venting out all the rage I was feeling. Throughout the past couple of weeks, as you've probably noticed, I've been feeling rather distressed and unusually angry, sad and depressed. This was because a cumulation of a lot of things. Not only was it university work that had stressed me out (although it was a part of it), a lot of family issues, personal issues and self discovery issues have been the major cause of it.

Let's start from the beginning shall we? First, In the summer, I took this personality quiz, and found out that I'm an INFJ. Basically an INFJ is a complicated personality, and we are very rare. Our motto, basically is "help me help you". So that affected me, and I've basically been trying not to develop the weaknesses of this personality trait (it was a detailed profile, that unnerved me).

Next I'd been invited to so many parties, that weren't all that great, and I wondered why and how people could enjoy these things. What I'm talking about are clubs, drinking alcohol, and whatnots. It just didn't appeal to me, and I wanted to go home immediately after I had stepped foot into the club. I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. I wanted to watch TV and think about nothing else. I wanted to write my story, read a book, anything but dance to such loud music and yelling on the top of my voice.

While I was in the night club, I just wanted to sit in a corner...or better yet, the bathroom the entire night, and wait until it was time to leave. I hated going out, and yet I was forced, because I had no choice, it was family and I couldn't let them down. 

This had been going on since the beginning of summer, and I have discovered I am not the type to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. I'd rather stay in. The most recent event was a Roller Disco, that I had to go to. Otherwise, my sister wouldn't be able to have her fun, and it was a bit of an obligation, because I had to bring her clothes to our cousin's house, so that she could be ready. In the end I simply waited for nothing. My parents decided that she should just change at our house, and then we could both go together. In my mind I could not have gone. I didn't want to go and it was expensive. Plus I didn't have any money on me and I had to ask for my parents for some.

Of course, as I had promised myself before, I simply sat with the bags, and read Fan-Fiction the entire night. I didn't feel like dancing, I didn't want to mingle, and I was getting decidedly angry, at both the people around me and at myself. Why at myself? Well, I wasn't having the same kind of fun as everyone else. While everyone was dancing about in their roller skates, I was happy reading the story. I was happy simply sitting down, and reading, and every now and then, throughout the night. I just felt bad that I wasn't having the same kind of fun that everyone was having. Granted, I didn't want my picture taken, it was a hassle, and I didn't want to speak to anyone, but I knew that I didn't want to, at the same time.

However, perhaps I could put down my "glumness" down to the fact that I broke down the day before. I had no idea why, I broke down, I simply did. What triggered the waterworks was the fact that I had no money to pay for the taxi ride, and the reservation fee. Not to mention, at the time, I was angry at some League of Legends players for flaming and blaming me for intentionally losing the game. I had to actually quit the game because I was being bullied. That was the first breakdown.

The second was pretty much right after that. It was on a Monday, and I was rather upset still about the Roller Disco, I had no idea why, but I couldn't pick myself up off the floor, because of it, and during an exercise, I burst into tears. Of course it was probably my fault because I had suggested talking about depression, and that set me off. I was really not feeling up to anything that day, and I just couldn't cope. Half an hour before the lesson ended I had to leave, because I just couldn't stay there anymore. Then throughout the week, I was pressured even more, because we basically had two weeks left before our first assignment was due.

I had to quickly pick up the pieces of my shattered self, because I had a job to do, and I couldn't tell anyone about it. As that week progressed, the work kept piling on. I know at this point I would say "thank goodness for my team", but because of certain circumstances, I know they won't appreciate it, since I basically insulted them a few days ago, but nevertheless, thank goodness for them, they readily agreed to help with the work. Of course I made all the templates they worked on, and they did manage to do the bulk of the work for assignment one, but then, only during the weekend of that week, did I realise we had to provide work for assignment 2, i.e. a pre-production portfolio (film-makers would understand what this is), and I was basically hard-pressed for time. I tried to take on most of the work, during that week so that I didn't have to rely on the team, because I knew there were bound to be complications, and other obligations. So that got me stressed in the next week.

Then Monday came around, and we had to reshoot two exercises for the assignment, and at the same time complete the paperwork. I had hoped that by Monday, most of the things I had sent to my team were completed. Obviously I know they have lives (since it's apparent that I don't), but I didn't take that into account, and in my ignorance, I blamed them for my incompetence. So the week progressed and I was getting more and more stressed at the fact that we still had a lot of things to do, and I was starting to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, pressing down on me.

The week was horrible (and this was basically last week), I was getting so stressed, that I was shaking by the time I went to bed every night. I couldn't even sleep well pretty much every night, and I kept thinking about the things we didn't do, and the things we had yet to do. I didn't want to rely on my teammates because I knew they would think it was too last minute. Of course, it was on Tuesday, that we did meet up, and work on the documents together, except for one, since he had obligations he had to keep. Although I had asked earlier (I remember it was either a Friday or a Saturday) if he could do a few of the paperwork. I knew I was taking a risk, giving out these templates, but I knew I had to, because if I didn't I'd burn out. 

So I trusted much of the paperwork to everyone else, and I had hoped that by Tuesday, it would all be done. That way, we could all concentrate on the editing of the video. However, as always there were complications, and we had to work through them during the five hours we were free. Needless to say, we had most of the work done, and all that was left was the individual work, but I thought that perhaps we could have done better if we had paid attention to the assignment throughout the semester. And I 'm not talking about anyone other than myself. I should have known we were working on the second assignment, because of the hints that our lecturer was giving. I should have realised that the pre-production work, would take a while to get right, and what did we hand in in the end? Templates.

Plain and simple, we handed in empty templates, because we didn't have enough time to work on them. Of course it was my fault for not realising it sooner, and I shouldn't have hurt my team because of it, and I guess it was my own self-loathing and self-anger, that I wrote that blog post in the end. I had high ambitions, of my team; I had thought they'd work efficiently like the cogs of a clock, but I now understand that this is university, and we still had many mistakes to make, and this assignment was one of them. Well, in my case, it is for me.

Not because I didn't want to work on this with the people I was with. No, in fact, I didn't mind working with them, but as the semester went by, I realised my mistake of thinking I could control everything, including the amount of work others do.

Anyway, at the end of the week, I was feeling decidedly angry at myself, and at my team (which was a poor move on my part, because they had really nothing to do with my own incompetence), and in the end, just before we handed in the work, I had written a blog post, which is now deleted, basically insulting them, and making them look bad. For those of you who read it, I am terribly sorry, and it won't ever happen again. I had written that blog post in a fit of rage, and I didn't know what I was doing. At the time, it made sense for me, but now looking back on it, I know I shouldn't have written it down somewhere so public, I should have probably written it in a journal, and then torn it out, so that I could help myself feel better, but because of the roar of my anger, my moral judgement was basically silent.

I know I overreacted, and I know it's not something I should have done, and I truly regret it, because now I am paying the price, and well, as you can see from this post title, I really don't feel good about myself anymore. However you all have to understand, I can't express anything verbally. When it comes to speaking to people it's hard for me, because when I do speak, I know I have to think things through before I speak, but in the end, I just ramble because I can't say things in the right structure, and it all becomes a blur and I end up getting emotional because of it. Writing, however, is the best mode of communication for me, that's why I love stories. That's why I'm writing a story at the moment, and I'm not publishing it until it is truly perfect. Writing for me is perfect, because I can think about what I have to say. Of course, that blog post was a one off, but most of these posts have been reread and proofed, including those that have been rants against my parents (because of course, every young adult living with their parents know how frustrating it is when they start to nag at you) and school.

And I know I probably will spark up another argument with this post, probably along the lines of, "even if you write this, it doesn't help, because you wrote it anyway", but understand this, I don't take to criticism very well. I've already apologised to the appropriate persons, and I know that it probably won't be enough, and I know that I have a lot to make up for, but if this one post is going to ruin your view of me, then how am I going to make up for it? How can I fully apologise to you? How can I, perhaps erase this blot, but fix it so that it's small? 

You have to remember, I'm not perfect. I am going to insult and hurt you one day, perhaps not intentionally or deliberately, but in my ignorance, I will. It's in my nature. I've been like this for all my life, and my family has even told me about it. I've tried to work on it, and I still am working on it. You just have to be patient.

Please don't hold a grudge against me, please don't think I'm doing this deliberately, because I truly am not. I am simply trying to figure myself out, and in the process, I will hurt you. I'm by no means perfect, and I do not try to be, because in the end I know I'm not, and it's just going to have to take some time for me to accept that.

Think of it as this, it's something my mum pointed out one day last year, and because she is a gardener, it would probably make sense:

I am like a rose, not the one with the smooth stem, nor the one that grows in great numbers, but the rare one, that grows amongst thorns. It is not my intention to use these thorns, but if you ever do try to pluck me from my perch, I will hurt you, because I don't want anyone to take me away from the place I feel safe. These thorns are what protect me, and I know it's a bad thing, but it's the only way I can survive. If I have these thorns, I can protect myself from the many who try to pluck me because they want to crush me for whatever reason. If I have these thorns, then no one can hurt me.

I know my thorns will hurt you, but I cannot control it. Maybe someday I can. Someday I may be able to cut those thorns, and make them grow less, but right now. I don't know how. I don't know how to cut down these demons, and I have nothing to help me do so. So as I said before, be patient, and if you do get cut by these thorns, then I truly am sorry. 

Riddle 2 - What Am I?

So last Wednesday I posted up a riddle, that went something like this:


It has no future or history,
It is always a mystery,
However hard we look,
It is something others have took,
It's not wanted when found,
But is needed all around.

What am I?

The answer was:

Love!

(This is not mine by the way!)

The reason behind this riddle, was because I figured that everyone needed a little love, and a riddle like this one will always find its answer in the deepest recesses of someone's heart, so if you know anyone who really needs this love, share it with them. ^^

So are you ready for the next one?

Here it is:

What has an eye, but cannot see,
It is a danger to you and me,
What is created, but does not create,
It is what we fear when it wakes,
What causes death, at the peak of life,
It has no fear, it has no strife.

Again I will be waiting for answers that are posted, so please...COMMENT THE ANSWER THAT YOU THINK IT IS!!!!

That is all!

By the way, this picture has no reference to the answer, I put it up, because it just snowed today!! I wish it settled!!! AGAIN THE PICTURE IS NOT MINE!!! I just used it for inspiration!