I Am Not Fine

So recently I discovered I am not fine (as the title says). Apparently I have a dark side that's holding me back from whatever I should really be doing, that is according to my lecturer. I actually listen to him, because he's actually very observant with these things, because, as a screenwriter he knows a bit about psychology, and my psychology is somewhat messed up, in his opinion.

Well, that explains the unexpected depression...actually, it's not unexpected, it's been going on since...well, since this course started...I'm not entirely sure why, but since September, my mood's gone from ok to "I can't be bothered anymore" and I don't mean that for just university or work...I mean it with everything. For example, I've recently returned to my most favourite game League of Legends (which in my opinion is one of the greatest games I've ever played!) and it's been two months...but in the last few weeks I can't be bothered to play...I log on and I just don't want to play a game, bot or PVP. It's not that I'm tired of the game, far from it. I'm actually just not in the mood to do anything...not even watch YouTube videos...I mean, I watch the new vlogs from the channels I'm subscribed to, but that's pretty much it. Then I go off and read fan-fiction, but not just any fan-fiction. I read the fan-fictions that I've learned to love over the last 3 years, namely Of Dreams and Broken Things; What's Past is Prologue; The End of Days and Dreams, Wishes and Plain Brown Wrapper. All of these fan-fictions, as you can guess are all based on Labyrinth.

As I read these fan-fictions, I find myself wanting to be Sarah, more and more, and I find myself thinking a bit like these versions of her, especially when it comes to feeling like I don't belong in this world, and I really should be somewhere else, like another world or another time or universe...I guess, I'll not be alone in that department...but nevertheless, I do feel quite alone, in the place I'm in, because as we all know INFJ's are very hard to come by, in the real world...

Anyway, that's what I've discovered is the root of my problem - the fact I had a dark side and didn't know it...but what caused this dark side you ask? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNOW! I've been trying to ask myself that very question ever since I knew I was (mildly) depressed. I put it down to my childhood bullies, and whatnots, but to be honest, I don't really think it's them...I mean they're a major factor, don't get me wrong, but they're not the only things that have caused this and I may just be over-thinking this, but I do think there is more to my dark side than past bullies.

So yes, it's a rant, but it's probably good for me, because I get it off my chest, and maybe I can breathe better, but who knows...

There Is A Difference Between Introverts And Extroverts

Ok, today I have gone from really happy to really angry. First the happy part: I know it's crazy, but I was actually quite happy talking to a friend in Starbucks today, just chatting about nothing and sipping coffee that was the ideal. He knew exactly what I felt when I said I'd prefer not to go out. Truthfully I hate going out, even though I do, and I often try to enjoy it, I hate it. The only time I like going out is if I'm shopping (either by myself or with one other person), watching a movie (usually with the cousins or with a friend) or out to a dinner (like a Chinese buffet or meal with the family). I hate going clubbing, or any big party gathering, it annoys me!

Anyway, as we were speaking I was getting excited, calm: I was all over the place, but I knew I was happy, sitting there just talking, that is my ideal of going out. So that was my high. The low was when I was in my seminar. Although it may seem petty, I hate being the one that goes up and writes on the board, I hate being the one that talks to the teacher, and says what we all think! AND YET MY CLASSMATES DON'T GET THAT!!!!! I HATE IT! I keep telling them that I'm not an extrovert, that I am actually quite shy, and the only reason I speak out in class is because I can, it's a topic that I can speak about, because it is the theme of the class, but when it comes to group discussions like in friendship groups, I'M THE QUIET ONE!!!!! I hate it when they assume I'm extrovert.

I may not sound it here on my blog, but I'm writing this post, and those of you who read them don't know me, you don't know who I am, you don't know where I live and I'm thankful, because you're all bunches of strangers, who I will never meet. You won't go looking for me, you won't ever know who I am, and that doesn't scare me. What scares me is talking directly to people! I'm scared they'd judge me, in fact I don't at all like talking to people, because I get so animated and loud, I don't control what I say, and it all just comes out in a blur for me.

Now...I've calmed down, and I've thought about what I've said. In the seminar I got really tired of being the one that goes up and writes on the board, I kept telling them I didn't want to do it, but I did it anyway, because NO ONE OFFERED TO DO IT FOR ME!!!!! I even told them I was an introvert. I told them what I was like and they still didn't get it! Now I've done this personality test loads of times and the truth is I'm an INFP. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's an introvert, and the description of this personality can be found on this link:
http://www.16personalities.com/infp-personality
Of course, I've discovered I'm more INFP, than the first answer I got, when I took the test the first time. Now, although I've taken the test more than once, and I've come out more as an INFP, I always believe the first time is the deciding one, because I was more aware of who I was, when I took this test today. The first result I got was an INFJ, it is the most rarest personality out there, and I have to say, I am more INFJ than INFP, although there are elements of INFP in me, I'm still pretty sure I'm INFJ. To know what an INFJ personality is, the description can be found here:
http://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality

So now you know who I am. I may seem extrovert to you, but if you do ever come across me, know that I don't ignore you because I don't like you, I just can't talk to you. You'll have to be the one to initiate any sort of conversation with me, and keep it up, because I will have no idea what to say, and if I do start rambling, it's because I don't want the conversation to end, it will always be awkward for me. I can't stay silent knowing you're right next to me and I can easily talk to you than go on my phone.

If you want to take this personality test it's free and the link is below:
http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

So as always, do with this post what you will, and I'll see you next time. God bless. ^^