I think these updates will be coming daily, if not weekly, since I've already moved onto another chapter, and I'll get this done before I even know it. Anyway, the truth is I might take a break for a while this week. The emotions I feel when writing are becoming more cumbersome than helping.
In a previous rant, I basically poured out my deepest secret: I am still without a relationship, that is to say, I've never dated a guy, I'v never even kissed one let alone been in a relationship with one. And writing this story is just bringing all those insecurities back.
True I did say I would wait for "Mr Right" and yes everyone around me keeps saying I'm still young and that "Mr Right" is only around the corner somewhere, but I just don't feel it. While I may waiting, I am getting impatient. Yes I'm Catholic and I pride myself for staying that way and remaining with my faith, but just seeing my cousins and friends in relationships and being constantly surrounded by them, I just get a sad, and I start to wallow in my self-pity and self-loathing, because I have never been like them and I don't understand at all what they're going through. And when they break up with each other, and I try to comfort them, I can't because I've never known such heartache...Well yes I have, but that was because I was a kid and had a crush on one of the boys in my class and he rejected me, but as I said, we were kids, so we didn't know any better.
Anyway, what has this to do with my story, pretty much everything. The name I came up with for the main male character is actually the name I've given to my fantasy, because if I gave a real name, I may just use it to think of the celebrity with that same name. The next thing is that I've now paired him up with the girl character, and that makes things even harder for me, because, in my head that would be cheating, and yes I may occasionally put myself in her shoes, but that's only to think of the next part of the story, I don't literally put them in because I am her, although I wish I was.
Another reason why I'm getting so glum, is because my story is basically a romance novel. Yes it's a little graphic, thanks to the many fan-fictions I've read, but the truth is even my imagination has a lover, and still my physical self has none. I really feel like life is unfair, because of it. I just feel so devoid of any real connection with anyone, because I live in my dreams. So perhaps I might take a break this week, just because I just can't handle the occasional self-loathing that comes with this novel. Not only that I just feel like, every time I open this laptop and start writing, I want to throw it against a wall and smash it to bits, but it's a new macbook pro and I won't because I'd get killed by my parents if I did. Plus I can't leave this story undone, like so many. I promised everyone I'd finish it.
So perhaps I'll just take a day off one of these days, just so that I can gather the pieces of my broken heart and try to fix it with three year old super glue and broken bits of tape, not to mention gum. Yes this post is a little deep, but that's exactly how I feel.
You know over the last few weeks I've had a saying stuck in my head: "Those with the brightest smile are the saddest" I'm not quite sure that quite fits the bill, but looking at my emotional state, I think it does. While I've not had the worst childhood, or had the worst situation, emotionally yes, I have, because I've been lonely for the past decade or so of my conscious life. I've noticed so many people drifting farther away from me because they've found the one they want to be with, while I'm still stuck in that gaping hole with no way out. So yes I probably do need a break and I will resume it as soon as I can.
For now, I'm sorry you've all had to put up with my sorry excuse for a post, it's just I haven't been writing in my journal lately, because there aren't enough pages to write these emotions down, and to be honest, typing is faster.
As always please do with this post what you will, and may God Bless. May he make your days brighter than mine, and show you whatever path you are to take.
No comments:
Post a Comment