All Work And No Play

Well...it looks like self-deprecation is the thing that pulls people in...since I've noticed my post I Am A Horrible Person seems to be getting the most views...and from America no less...yes I stalk my own blog, so be it!

The truth is, I have a lot of free time to do whatever, because of:

1. Procrastination
2. Lack of friends
3. Lack of anything I find interesting

Ok so the last one can be attributed to my own personal tastes, but what can I say? I don't have a piano in my home to keep me occupied. Yes I'm a closet pianist, and no I don't take requests because I don't know very many pieces.

It's as I said before, I'm living a half-life, because there's really nothing interesting anymore, and anything interesting usually involves alcohol or some sort of wild shindig that I don't really fancy. I mean come on! Is there nothing left for an introvert, like me, to do, without going out and partying as a drunk?

The truth is, I just sleep, once I get enough alcohol in me, I don't dance, I don't speak, I just sit there, like I'm stoned. It's no fun at all!

Oh and the title? Yeah, that was just something I thought fit, because I'm writing this on a day where I'm supposed to be at work, but because of travel disruptions (as always, when you're in London) I can't go, so I'm stuck at home, trying to piece together my assignment and waiting for a response from my employer about what I was supposed to do today.

So now I'm sitting here, contemplating whether or not I should have a game on League of Legends first, or work on my assignment...and as I got up to get my robe, because it is too damn cold even with the heating on, I decide, I'll do a little more of my assignment, and then I'll play a game...

You see! That's how sad my life is. I know you'll all probably say, "Get up and go somewhere, a park, a club, shopping, something, instead of sitting here and moping about and complaining!" but my response to you is..."WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING TO GO!!! I live in the middle of nowhere! Yes I may be in the city, but it is a far cry from city life! I live right next to Heathrow, which is where all the action is! Not to mention all that action is beyond security, I can't get past without a boarding card and passport! How the hell am I supposed to have fun there! Also, if I want to get anywhere, I'm going to have to commute! So what is the point!"

Yes that would be my argument, because I pretty much live in the countryside. While it may not be farm-land or the rural areas, it's a suburb where there are no clubs, no night life, and for someone like me, in a society where drinking is an everyday thing, or being loud is a social thing, I don't fit in at all!

Ok, I know this is slowly becoming a rant, but there's very little I can do about that because my 'dark side' has been unleashed and it's attacking me, and that's exactly what this post is doing for me. I don't know how, but it is.

Oh and as a side note...if any of you, who know me, and came from my primary school...GREAT JOB! As I said in a tweet a few weeks ago, you've successfully made a train-wreck of me, all the bad memories and self-loathing from all those years ago, have come to surface, and won't go away...So give yourselves a pat on the back, because yes you've succeeded in making a mess of me, because all the times I'll be crying over pretty much any little thing, I'll be thinking of you, and how you teased me. All the times I'll be angry at myself, I'll be remembering all the secrets you told each other about me. All the times I'll be ashamed of myself and wish I were dead, I'll be reminiscing on the times you backstabbed me because I was that gullible. Yes, gullible.

So the next time you see me and I'm putting on that mask of a smile, know that there is a broken person underneath and it was all because of you. Well done, you should all be given prizes and awards, but unfortunately I don't have any, so you're going to have to make them or buy them yourselves.

It's funny how life can screw you over like that. After seven years together (we were aged 3 - 11 at the time) you'd think they would know to stop harassing me and understand that I'm a sensitive person, not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. Also, it's thanks to them that any source of interest, for me is in books and fantasy novels and, yes, fan-fictions too. That's why I have quite a wide ranged vocabulary. Now I can write all the things that they did to me, but without implicating them.

Oh now that I think about it, it's funny I really should blame them, name and shame them, but because of who I am, and what my beliefs are I won't, because I'd be sinking to their level. The only reprieve I will probably have is that they would feel ashamed of making this mess, of making a monster out of me and they can never fix it because they won't ever see me again. They probably don't even know I have this blog and don't even know that this post is about them. Sure they may stumble across it one day, when they remember me, but I don't think they will. There is probably one in a billion chances that they would find it.

So for now, I will enjoy what freedom I have here on the internet, because they're probably never going to find this. They're probably too busy to even care, and I am so glad for that. I can say "SCREW YOU!" as much as I want and there is nothing they can do about it!

All Things Must Come To An End

Have you ever felt as if you're close to something, yet you are still so far from it? Well, that has been me for the past couple weeks, I've been revising for my exams, and not been concentrating on making meaningful posts, so apologies for the late update.

Having said that, my exams are at the beginning of June, (June 4th, 11th, and 17th to be exact) and I will be leaving an institute that I have been in for the past 8 years. EIGHT YEARS!!!! That is pretty much near half my lifetime on this earth so far. Its hallowed halls and sprawling greens are what I have been accustomed to for so long, that I cannot believe that I will be off to a different place, it seems surreal.

While, I feel like it is a new beginning, and I can't wait to get there, it is also an end. I am truly sad to leave a beloved and hated place behind, all my friends have left already, since I retook a year, but regardless of it, the place itself is what I will miss the most. I've known it's buildings like the back of my hand, and I doubt I will forget it any time soon, or its people. It is the place I've grown up in. Gone are the restless dreams of a child, or the longings of a dreamer. In it's place, a determination to find the joy at the end of my long and hard wanderings.

I remember, when I was just starting out here, I was the clumsy, eager little girl who didn't exactly know how to make friends. Granted I was a bit dramatic, and as someone once told me "I should have been an actress", but now, that drama has found a safe place to store itself, in the back of my mind and my career path has found its way to a place close to it.

Eight years, it does seem a long time, yet living it myself, it isn't long at all. Yet I feel as if I will be leaving (as quoted from a song I listened to recently) "The safety of the boat". Long have I been in the arms of the Church (The Catholic Church - and yes I am a devout Catholic) and I do feel safe, but now that my dreams will soon be realized, I've never been able to figure out how to be a Catholic in the wider world. There are so many other people and religions bigger and better than me, and I'm scared I may just lose myself along the way.

But I know in the end He will protect me. I just have to trust him.

So here ends a post that marks the end of a child trying to fit a woman's shoe. The next you hear from me will probably be when I find myself dreading my first day at university, or when I have just taken/will take a driving lesson, or even when I'm on holiday. Who knows, but what I do know is that you will be coming back, to read more of my mind, and I hope what you find is not someone who is distant and far from you. I may be in the same country, or town as you when you read it, and I will be able to feel happiness knowing that you reader, have found a mind similar to yours.

Until next time, God bless (which ever God you believe, and if you do not believe, God bless you anyway, that you may find him in your life) and as always do with this post what you will: show it to friends, read it in isolation, whatever you want.